Concerned about my friend and her drug addicted son.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by WorriedFriend, Sep 7, 2016.

  1. WorriedFriend

    WorriedFriend New Member

    I met my friend, we'll call her Kim...not her real name, a little over a year ago, right after her husband had passed. I learned that Kim had a grown son in his 30's who has been on drugs since his teen years. He is married and has a young child. His wife is also on drugs. Kim's son has been in and out of jail/prison so many times! Kim bails him out every time, she NEVER allows him to suffer any consciences of his actions and he just keeps getting in trouble time, after time, after time. She has opened her home to him at least 4 times that I know about because he is getting out of jail or prison and has nowhere to live because he claims he has changed and does not want to go back to his wife because she is the main reason he stays in trouble...according to him. He takes NO responsibility for his actions. Last time he lived with her, upon getting out of prison, Kim spent over $10,000 on him!!! No joke!! She is on a fixed income and had to take from her retirement to keep him up. He was only there 6 weeks before he was mad about some of her rules and he did what he always does, went back to his wife which he swears EVERY TIME he will not do. Fast forward to just a few months ago...he is back in jail on some serious charges, which he swears he didn't do. His wife has falsely accused him. Remember, nothing is his fault. He lies to Kim constantly, he manipulates her to her detriment. He tells her his lawyer says he can and will get him out of jail (another lie) and convinces his mother to let him live with her when he gets out because he has changed this time, although there is no evidence of change. He even wrote to Kim's step-mom who's daughter just passed away ( a month ago) from drug and alcohol abuse and played on her emotions to the point that he convinced her to convince his Grandfather to buy the deceased daughters truck from her children and GIVE it to him upon his release! This boy has been GIVEN 4 vehicles in his life! He has trashed everyone of them. I wish I had time to share the whole story of the lies, deception, manipulation, and utter control he has over Kim, but time will not allow. She and I got in a heated discussion over him. I was very harsh, but I was very truthful too. Needless to say, he did not get out of jail, in fact he was sentenced to prison. Kim has not spoken to me in 3 weeks, we used to talk everyday. We were best friends! I sacrificed so much to try to help her since her husband passed but it seems as though it was all in vain. I believe that it's not that Kim can't see what is going on and how her son treats her, it's that she refuses to see. Her health is not good and she is still heartbroken over the sudden loss of her husband. She can't even grieve properly because her son keeps her so upset and busy doing his dirty work all the time. She even gives him money to spend every week in jail/prison. She pays for all of his collect calls. She can't even hardly afford to take care of herself!! Any advise for a friend who is concerned over the health and well-being of her friend? He is literally killing her a little everyday and she is letting him. So sad.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That is sad. Unfortunately, it is her decision what to do about her son. There really is nothing you can do. Obviously this likely will turn out bad for both. All you can do is listen and maybe change the subject to happier things.
  3. WorriedFriend

    WorriedFriend New Member

    I agree, there is nothing I can do. It's just so painful to watch. It has been bad for both of them for a long time...I just fear that it will have to get to the point of sheer devastation for her to open her eyes. She has completely shut me out of her life.
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    You could point her to this forum... (Delete your post first!) or suggest she finds some type of counseling, thru the community, church, or if she has insurance, thru other sources.

    I would try to contact her occasionally. If you go out for a meal, try not to talk about the son. If she keeps bringing it up...say something like...nothing changes, if nothing changes...

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  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    It may be a blessing that he is in prison may be good that he stays there...he seems to have run out of support, it happens for the best.

    I pray for his children who have strong addiction in the family.....
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    It is wonderful that you care so much for your friend and that you worry about her.

    But in reality, she is an adult and her son is an adult and if she allows him not to take responsibility for his actions, there is nothing you can do about it. Her son has to want to help himself and to CHANGE and so does she.

    You have told her how you feel/what you see but she does not want to hear it. She is not ready. She may never be ready. It is a sad situation I agree.

    I would reach out every so often and invite her for coffee etc. but other than that just say some prayers for them!
  7. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I agree with the others that there's nothing you can do to change her. She might be so beaten down that she just doesn't have it in her to say no to her son. This sounds like a very sad situation. Maybe try referring her to this site or offer to go to Alanon with her. I would continue to reach out to her and just let her know you're there for her.
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  8. WorriedFriend

    WorriedFriend New Member

    I apologized to Kim for the way I spoke to her. She has ignored me. I wrote her a letter about 2 weeks ago letting her know once again that I was sorry. I also told her that I was setting some boundaries in my life. I have bent over backwards for her and her son. I was spending time with my nephews one evening, about 4 months ago, when she called and ask if I could take her to bail her son out of jail. She had taken her evening medications and was unable to drive, so I cut my time short with my family to take her to get him. She told him he would have to go to a homeless shelter because he could not come to her house. He said he needed to go to the hospital because he would soon be going through withdrawals. I spent all night with them in the ER. When he got out I payed for him to stay in a nice hotel for 4 days until his court date. Needless to say, he stayed there one night and then took off to the beach without letting his mother know where he was. He didn't call her for 3 days. She was worried sick and I was ticked!! On the day of his court date he called her to tell her where he was and that he needed her to come get him because he was sick and needed to go to the hospital. He was 3 1/2 hours away. Kim has back trouble and can't drive long distances, so guess who she called? Me! I left work to take her to get him. I told her on the way down there that I was not taking him to the hospital, I was taking him to jail since he missed his court date he had a warrant out for his arrest. When he found out I was taking him to jail he started yelling and cussing his mother in MY car. I pulled over and tore into him. I told him to keep his mouth shut or get out of my car! He's a coward so he kept his mouth shut. So, yes, I have played my part in enabling both of them. I told her that I would no longer be doing that. She called me the day after he was convicted, I was in a meeting at work and couldn't answer, she left a very angry message that I had gotten my wish...he was on his way to prison. I never wished that nor did I tell her that I wished that. I told her in the letter that I would not try to contact her anymore in anyway. Our pastor has tried to call her, she does not respond...she's mad at him too because he also told her not to let her son live with her. Another sweet lady at the church, whom Kim really loved, has tried to contact her, but she won't respond to her either. She has cut everyone who cares about her off. She suffers from chronic depression so I don't know if she has slipped into a deep depression. I don't know if I should try to contact her or not, I told her I wouldn't and I'm a person of my word and she knows that. I just feel that if a person is ignoring you its best to leave them alone and just let them come around. Do you all agree or am I wrong on that?
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    You cannot help her. Allow the church to check on her...but she has basically told you she supports her messed up son above all else.

    She needs way more help that you can have done more than anyone deserves.

    Sorry for your hurting heart...but I would move on.
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  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sometimes we become codependent (overly responsible) for people who are not even our family and when that happens, we do things to "help" others and expect their gratitude. Or we at least expect them to be nice to us.

    Although I never went quite that far in my codependent tendencies, I have helped a lot of people too and I learned an important lesson.

    if you want to help somebody, you do it strictly out of the goodness of your heart. Do not try to tell the others how to live or what you think. Our helping does not give us a right to try to control their choices about how to live and if we try, feeling that our tremendous help gives us the right to speak out that way, they dont like it. They come to resent it...and maybe still try to use your help, but not take your advice. Been there, done that, learned only to help when It's convenient for me and not to expect anything back. In the end, this type of relationship often goes bad with hurt feelings.

    You bailed her son out of jail and wanted to pay for a hotel for him. You meant well, but maybe that wasnt helping. Maybe he would have learned more stuck in jail. Maybe Kim would have learned self sufficiency if she wanted to earn money to get him out. Why sacrifice a fun night with your family to do this? It is really between Kim and her son to figure their lives out. You cant. You can even say (and I still have trouble with thus but nowvI do say it) "No, Kim. I cant do this." Its okay to say no.

    I have a great book for you to read called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You can buy it anywhere or get it out of the library.

    I was also in a twelve step group called CODA Codapendents Anonymous and it made me see that I mattered; that it was not my responsibility to save others...that I could only save myself, in truth. Many cities dont have a CODA, but groups do meet online. CODA changed my life. For the better.

    In the meantime, Kim needs to find ways to help herself. She is asking you to back off. in my opinion you should respect her wishes and read the book. You are trying to save people when the truth is all of us can only save one Dont be offended. But let her go. She will walk her own path as will her son. Your own life is YOUR path :). in my opinion stay on your path.

    I had. to learn this myself. I have many how I drove a homeless mother with seven kids all over the place until I helped her find help and shelter. I barely heard from her after that. Fortunately, that was not my first rodeo and it didnt hurt me, but I had many similar experiences that did hurt me.

    Hugs and good wishes!!!
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2016
  11. WorriedFriend

    WorriedFriend New Member

    No offense taken. I came here for help and advice and you all have been wonderful!!
    I never really expected anything in return from Kim for all I did for her. I did do it from a heart of love. She is precious to me and I love her so much. I knew she didn't really have anything to offer me. I just wanted to see her happy because she's had such a hard life all of her life.
    In the letter I sent her 3 weeks ago I told her that I did what I did to try to bring some joy and happiness into her life. I also told her that I've realized that that's not my job but it's her responsibility to make the choices that will make her happy and if she so chooses to be miserable that's her choice too. I also told her that I had to make decisions to be happy too and part of that decision was to stop enabling others, including her and her son.
    I remember at one point during our friendship she told me that her mind and thinking where so off (and believe me, it is) to please tell her if I see that she is about to make a bad decision. I honored her request and told her she was making a bad decision concerning her son.
    I have completely cut Kim out of my contact at all in the last 3 weeks. I still love and care about her though. It's hard to adjust to when she used to call me everyday and I would see her at least once or twice a week. It's almost like having a death in the family.
    Again, you all have been great and I really do appreciate all of the advice!!
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think you can be at peace that you have done all you can do.

    I bet she will reach out to you again someday when she is ready. You are a good friend.
  13. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Mourning a friendship is hard. You will be amazed you may meet a good friend that gives to you!