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Consequences!??
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 107255" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Paris, </p><p></p><p>Consequences are the small out of prison punishments we give our children in the hopes that they will start to obey and stay out of prison. </p><p></p><p>At 16 in most states life becomes adult for most of our children. The law recognizes them that way, and after 15.11 years of seeing them as our babies, it's hard to look at someone almost twice our size and say "Okay kid, you're and adult now so I'm giving you adult consequences." </p><p></p><p>I would say in most cases of parents of difficult child's with younger children the reason there is no "follow through" with our consequences is because we don't know how to give a proper consequence in the first place and we cave in before the time is served because the kid finds other things to do and maybe piles up more consequences rendering us the person who has to stand there and actually believe he is not grounded FOR LIFE, won't HAVE THE CAR until he's 64 (if you add up the time you just gave IN consequence world), and he will probably be grounded to his room until he's 109 years old. </p><p></p><p>So the best thing I can tell you is if you say it - mean it. If you say "YOU can't have the car until you get a job." Then that is what you mean, you have to overlook how depressed he is, how much you wish he would just get out of the house because - you said it. It does MORE damage to take it back than it does to suffer it out and actually send your child the message you mean what you say. </p><p></p><p>Like I said not knowing HOW to render a proper consequence is usually the first place you should self-examine yourself. Are your consequences something you both can live with? Are they consistent? Are you passing these consequences out when you are hot-headed or have you allowed yourself time to cool down and then speak your mind? difficult child's can get us so worked up - we say things we really don't mean and then back down from them in turn making everything that comes out of our mouth (actually) a half truth to a kid. </p><p></p><p>If it helps you = sit down one night and make a list of VIOLATIONS - then make a list next to that of consequences. When your son does X - open up your list after you've had time to cool off and say BECAUSE YOU DID X THIS IS THE PUNISHMENT. Even at 18 - there have to be house rules. And EVERYONE has to abide by them. There are rules in school, rules at work, rules for riding the rollercoaster, rules for society - but most often we just assume our kids KNOW the rules at home. Write them down, post a copy on the fridge - there are a lot of archives here for that or you can ask for help - and then sit down with your son and go over the list of rules and consequences and then have him sign it - like a contract. That way when they are broken - no excuses - you know what the punishment is and for how long. </p><p></p><p>You can even allow difficult child to have some input about the consequences by asking him what he thinks is fair. When you both have house rules you can live with - then there will be no questions, less stress and none of you beating yourself up about it. Do any of us here NOT look the other way or wipe the slate clean occasionally in an effort to boost our kids self-esteem? Nope - guilty as charged. I understand why you did it. Totally. Anything you can do sometimes to boost their spirits - <em>seems</em> like a fair trade doesn't it? </p><p></p><p>As far as your Mom goes - in a way she's right, maybe after all her years raising kids - she learned a thing or two. Don't take offense to it. You're the Mom of your home. If she bailed your brother out and he turned out okay - hey good for him. Times are different, the world is different, the stakes seem higher now for our kids. </p><p></p><p>And in closing - I've been hit by cars with drunk drivers 7 times in my life, the first time I got hit by a college kid on Christmas break, who was smoking pot with a friend. He let the friend drive, they hit me - they laughed all the time they were in the hospital while I had to have my head shaved for stitches and learning how to walk again took over a year. I got lucky that time - I lived. </p><p></p><p>It's not your fault he drinks - but if you hand him the keys to the car when he may drink? It's something to think about for sure.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 107255, member: 4964"] Paris, Consequences are the small out of prison punishments we give our children in the hopes that they will start to obey and stay out of prison. At 16 in most states life becomes adult for most of our children. The law recognizes them that way, and after 15.11 years of seeing them as our babies, it's hard to look at someone almost twice our size and say "Okay kid, you're and adult now so I'm giving you adult consequences." I would say in most cases of parents of difficult child's with younger children the reason there is no "follow through" with our consequences is because we don't know how to give a proper consequence in the first place and we cave in before the time is served because the kid finds other things to do and maybe piles up more consequences rendering us the person who has to stand there and actually believe he is not grounded FOR LIFE, won't HAVE THE CAR until he's 64 (if you add up the time you just gave IN consequence world), and he will probably be grounded to his room until he's 109 years old. So the best thing I can tell you is if you say it - mean it. If you say "YOU can't have the car until you get a job." Then that is what you mean, you have to overlook how depressed he is, how much you wish he would just get out of the house because - you said it. It does MORE damage to take it back than it does to suffer it out and actually send your child the message you mean what you say. Like I said not knowing HOW to render a proper consequence is usually the first place you should self-examine yourself. Are your consequences something you both can live with? Are they consistent? Are you passing these consequences out when you are hot-headed or have you allowed yourself time to cool down and then speak your mind? difficult child's can get us so worked up - we say things we really don't mean and then back down from them in turn making everything that comes out of our mouth (actually) a half truth to a kid. If it helps you = sit down one night and make a list of VIOLATIONS - then make a list next to that of consequences. When your son does X - open up your list after you've had time to cool off and say BECAUSE YOU DID X THIS IS THE PUNISHMENT. Even at 18 - there have to be house rules. And EVERYONE has to abide by them. There are rules in school, rules at work, rules for riding the rollercoaster, rules for society - but most often we just assume our kids KNOW the rules at home. Write them down, post a copy on the fridge - there are a lot of archives here for that or you can ask for help - and then sit down with your son and go over the list of rules and consequences and then have him sign it - like a contract. That way when they are broken - no excuses - you know what the punishment is and for how long. You can even allow difficult child to have some input about the consequences by asking him what he thinks is fair. When you both have house rules you can live with - then there will be no questions, less stress and none of you beating yourself up about it. Do any of us here NOT look the other way or wipe the slate clean occasionally in an effort to boost our kids self-esteem? Nope - guilty as charged. I understand why you did it. Totally. Anything you can do sometimes to boost their spirits - [i]seems[/i] like a fair trade doesn't it? As far as your Mom goes - in a way she's right, maybe after all her years raising kids - she learned a thing or two. Don't take offense to it. You're the Mom of your home. If she bailed your brother out and he turned out okay - hey good for him. Times are different, the world is different, the stakes seem higher now for our kids. And in closing - I've been hit by cars with drunk drivers 7 times in my life, the first time I got hit by a college kid on Christmas break, who was smoking pot with a friend. He let the friend drive, they hit me - they laughed all the time they were in the hospital while I had to have my head shaved for stitches and learning how to walk again took over a year. I got lucky that time - I lived. It's not your fault he drinks - but if you hand him the keys to the car when he may drink? It's something to think about for sure. [/QUOTE]
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