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Contact with homeless son. Wants to visit and stay for couple of nights.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 622193" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>It's really good that all of you talked it through so that everyone is on board with how it will go.</p><p></p><p>One thing to bear in mind is that when we start setting boundaries around our adult kids, they usually don't react well. If you've made no demands on your son and accommodated him in the past, then he will be expecting that same behavior from you. You are already making the condition that he bathe and clean up. Along with that, you may want to let him know that shopping in your kitchen is no longer available as well. You have to make the boundaries, because he won't. If you want him clean and you want him to leave your house with what he came with then it may be prudent for you to let him know all of this BEFORE you pick him up. Otherwise you may be looking at one angry, dirty guy in your kitchen!</p><p></p><p>What may help you is to write down what you realistically expect, what your boundaries are, what you want, what you don't want, what you are willing to do, what you are NOT willing to do. It helps to be clear like that. </p><p></p><p>It may go really well, I don't know, but I think you would be well served to be prepared for different reactions from him since you are setting different boundaries. You are changing, that doesn't mean he will, or even that he wants to.</p><p></p><p>As far as him acting badly when your husband is not there. I would be proactive and let him know, along with all the other changes, that if his behavior is "appalling" your intention is to ask him to leave............remember, there is no rule that says you have to drive him home. There are buses, trains, bikes, whatever, but if he acts badly, you shouldn't have to be in the car with him doing him a favor. Behaving badly has consequences, not rewards. </p><p></p><p>I have found when dealing with difficult child's we have to get really good at closing all the possible loopholes because more often then not, they are not thinking about your needs at all, only what they need in that present moment............and then when things don't go their way, they have a meltdown. I've found it best to contain that energy behind very strict boundaries. </p><p></p><p>I hope you sleep better tonight Lucy and I'm glad you had lunch with your friend, keep that up!! Wishing you peace of mind and comfort on this crazy journey we're on........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 622193, member: 13542"] It's really good that all of you talked it through so that everyone is on board with how it will go. One thing to bear in mind is that when we start setting boundaries around our adult kids, they usually don't react well. If you've made no demands on your son and accommodated him in the past, then he will be expecting that same behavior from you. You are already making the condition that he bathe and clean up. Along with that, you may want to let him know that shopping in your kitchen is no longer available as well. You have to make the boundaries, because he won't. If you want him clean and you want him to leave your house with what he came with then it may be prudent for you to let him know all of this BEFORE you pick him up. Otherwise you may be looking at one angry, dirty guy in your kitchen! What may help you is to write down what you realistically expect, what your boundaries are, what you want, what you don't want, what you are willing to do, what you are NOT willing to do. It helps to be clear like that. It may go really well, I don't know, but I think you would be well served to be prepared for different reactions from him since you are setting different boundaries. You are changing, that doesn't mean he will, or even that he wants to. As far as him acting badly when your husband is not there. I would be proactive and let him know, along with all the other changes, that if his behavior is "appalling" your intention is to ask him to leave............remember, there is no rule that says you have to drive him home. There are buses, trains, bikes, whatever, but if he acts badly, you shouldn't have to be in the car with him doing him a favor. Behaving badly has consequences, not rewards. I have found when dealing with difficult child's we have to get really good at closing all the possible loopholes because more often then not, they are not thinking about your needs at all, only what they need in that present moment............and then when things don't go their way, they have a meltdown. I've found it best to contain that energy behind very strict boundaries. I hope you sleep better tonight Lucy and I'm glad you had lunch with your friend, keep that up!! Wishing you peace of mind and comfort on this crazy journey we're on........ [/QUOTE]
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Contact with homeless son. Wants to visit and stay for couple of nights.
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