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Coping with addicted, homeless adult daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="Dad34" data-source="post: 764956" data-attributes="member: 32757"><p>Thank you all for your replies, in which you offer wise counsel that comes through your own struggles over the years dealing with adult children suffering with addiction issues. </p><p></p><p>Lovemysons, yes, you are one whom I have been praying for because of losing your son to addiction. I have started praying now for your grandchildren, whose situation is heartbreaking too. Thank you for your prayers for my daughter and me too.</p><p></p><p>I know this is true, that she must want it more than I do and I can't save her. This is heartbreaking, but it is immensely helpful to hear it from you and others in this forum who have come to the same conclusion after many (unsuccessful) attempts to rescue their children from addiction. This battle is intense, and it's easy to get confused and depressed with all of the anxiety, fear, guilt, anger, discouragement, etc., swirling around us. But these emotions are enemies to our souls, and they will destroy us if we allow them. Thank God that He is more powerful than they, and I can seek refuge in Him. Praying for my daughter is powerful, even though her outcome is beyond my power and understanding. Yes, God loves her more than even I, so I must let go and let God.</p><p></p><p>ANewLife4Me, thank you for your prayers too, and I'm sorry for your suffering and will (continue to) pray for you and your daughter. Thanks for the book recommendation. I will look it up, as it sounds like it would be helpful. I believe you made the right decision to finally let your daughter bear the consequences of her decisions, and stop intervening at the expense of your finances and health. I too am not young anymore (I'm over 60) and have to take care of myself. I also need to work on my own life, per the Al Anon suggestion of evaluating my own life and how I may need to change in order to be more healthy, including relationally. I regret that the last couple of times I spoke with my daughter I was losing patience and spoke more harshly than I should have. Now I realize it doesn't help to harp on her or plead that she change. I must be loving and caring but also hold a firm line on not trying to rescue her out of the consequences of her own choices, especially if she hasn't reached the point of wanting to change.</p><p></p><p>I understand your fears, and agree you are right in sticking to your decision. I pray that God will give you wisdom in dealing with her violent tendencies, especially when the time comes for her release. You don't deserve that and shouldn't have to put up with it anymore. Knowing our adult children are living on the street with no shelter is one of the most horrible things I could have ever imagined, and yet that is where my daughter (apparently) is. The odds of her appearing at me door seem less likely, but I do tremble at the thought because I know we (I have remarried) could not allow her to live with us and it would be hard to send her away (maybe I would help her go to a homeless shelter, if she would accept). I also know the anxiety and fear that the phone may ring in the middle of the night (again), with my daughter telling me she is in crisis and wants me to come rescue her - again. I don't know if she is violent now; she hasn't been for awhile but she was in the past and it could happen again. She also has a boyfriend who is an addict, and I don't know what he is capable of.</p><p></p><p>You mentioned real fear, which I also experience. It's true that we should be as prepared as possible should the worst happen, whether that is our child showing up at the door and threatening our safety, or learning of their death. Put up security cams, change door locks, seek a court-ordered restraining order, pray that God will help us through any situation. We should be proactive and prepared. But fear itself creeps in and causes us to constantly fret over all the horrific "what if" scenarios that may happen (the "what-if" monster). Shakespeare said it this way: "My life has been filled with terrible misfortune, most of which never happened". We know that not all of our imagined fears will happen and in that sense, fear is a liar. Even if one or more of our feared scenarios does happen, all our fretting in advance won't help us; rather, it erodes and has potential to destroy our lives. Somehow, we must recognize fear for what it is, face it with courage, and not allow it to paralyze us. One analogy that may seem cheesy (my wife tells me I have quite an imagination) but has helped me is a scene from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, where Gandolf faced the fierce balrog, demon of the ancient world, in the Mines of Moria, saying "You shall not pass"! (Technically this shows two scenes, the first in which Gandolf is apparently lost during the battle, and a later scene when he reappears in a redeemed state). [MEDIA=youtube]Y2fwe0rnHak[/MEDIA] "On the lowest dungeon of the highest peak, I fought him...until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin on the mountianside". Somehow, in the end, we will be stronger if we face and battle our fears with Truth. A preacher once said, after we heard some bad news, that "no discouragement is allowed!" And Martin Luther, in his most famous hymn, said about the prince of darkness that "one little word shall fell him (the little word, which is not mentioned in the hymn, is "LIAR"). Fear lies to and paralyzes us, and it does not help us unless we use it as a reminder to turn to God and ask for his help, to turn our anxieties into prayers; my soul clings to God; do not fret, it tends only to evil; the Light shines in the darkness, and darkness can never extinguish it. I'm sorry if this seems like a sermon. Trust me, if I'm preaching to anyone, it is to me, myself, and I, because I must constantly remind myself of these things. We parents of addicted adult children are living in real-time nightmares, and I will never trivialize that. I'm just sharing what has helped keep me from going down the roads of fear, discouragement, etc. Sometimes I have to say "NO, I will not go there, you shall not pass". </p><p>Let go and let God. Yes, that is good counsel. </p><p></p><p>New Leaf, I have read your posts about your daughters and I'm so sorry you are dealing with two adult children with addiction issues. It sounds like you have have shared similar struggles as I have, and your comments are so helpful.</p><p></p><p>Amen. Many times I have wished I could go back and change my mistakes. But I know I always loved her and tried my best. I can't go back in time, so I must leave the past (and it's guilt) to God. Fortunately, in my faith, Jesus provides a remedy for guilt, and I must daily remember and accept that. Your daughter's confession in her moment of sobriety is illuminating, and I would guess most of our addicted adult children know that deep down.</p><p></p><p>A train wreck is an appropriate analogy, and I would add "a slow motion" train wreck. Even though I knew her behavior and choices back then would lead to bad consequences, I couldn't have imagined it would be this bad. Yet, that is where we are and I must finally "Let go and let God", lest I be destroyed myself.</p><p></p><p>It took a while for me to come to that realization. I really felt (hoped?) I was making a difference back then, but the horror of recurring crises slowly helped me realize this was a chronic problem with no straight forward solution. Last year a police officer told me that unfortunately I couldn't help my daughter until she decides to help herself. The officer was compassionate, and even though I didn't want to accept it, I knew she was right. Reading yours and others stories in this forum has helped me accept it even more. I wish it was different but it isn't, and acceptance and turning her over to God seems to be the only way to peace.</p><p></p><p>Exactly. All the hope...evaporated. I lost both of my parents to Alzheimer's in the past 7 years, which was a difficult path. The combination of that and my daughter's addiction issues was sad and sometimes overwhelming. I couldn't share my daughter's issues with them but did ask them to pray for her.</p><p></p><p>I think I am finally there. </p><p></p><p>Even though I'm finally at the place of knowing I can't rescue my daughter, it is still sad and the sadness can overtake me again if I'm not careful. We still love our children and it's hard to both love them and yet not intervene when the consequences of their decisions constantly result in catastrophe...again and again, even though our efforts to save them have failed...again and again.</p><p></p><p>I too have been sorting old photos and I had to stop because I was becoming sad for what was lost. My precious daughter that I loved so much, is now in the situation she is in. Thank you for reminding me that our children are really only loaned to us from God to raise for a few years, but then their choices are their own, even if their choices are harmful or deadly, and I can't change that. Knowing that sorting old photos has been a healing exercise for you is helpful. Hopefully I can look at it differently when I go back to that project. Yes, allow myself to feel sorrow and grief, process it, and let go and let God.</p><p></p><p>This is well said. I won't help my daughter by being overcome with grief, anxiety, fear, depression, etc. I must exercise self care. The last time I saw my daughter about a year ago I reminded her that when Jesus said to "love your neighbor as yourself", the implication is that you love yourself. She seemed surprised and said she hated herself. I told her she was loved, and I pray she can realize that at a deep level. But I must do the same. I am my own worst critic, usually in destructive ways, so I must work on getting past that. Yes, I must honestly evaluate my shortcomings and work to remedy them, but I must also not debilitate myself by constantly condemning myself. It's a hard thing to do.</p><p></p><p>Amen. I have prayed for you and your daughters and will continue to do so.</p><p></p><p>Thanks again to all for your encouragement, prayers, and hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Dad34, post: 764956, member: 32757"] Thank you all for your replies, in which you offer wise counsel that comes through your own struggles over the years dealing with adult children suffering with addiction issues. Lovemysons, yes, you are one whom I have been praying for because of losing your son to addiction. I have started praying now for your grandchildren, whose situation is heartbreaking too. Thank you for your prayers for my daughter and me too. I know this is true, that she must want it more than I do and I can't save her. This is heartbreaking, but it is immensely helpful to hear it from you and others in this forum who have come to the same conclusion after many (unsuccessful) attempts to rescue their children from addiction. This battle is intense, and it's easy to get confused and depressed with all of the anxiety, fear, guilt, anger, discouragement, etc., swirling around us. But these emotions are enemies to our souls, and they will destroy us if we allow them. Thank God that He is more powerful than they, and I can seek refuge in Him. Praying for my daughter is powerful, even though her outcome is beyond my power and understanding. Yes, God loves her more than even I, so I must let go and let God. ANewLife4Me, thank you for your prayers too, and I'm sorry for your suffering and will (continue to) pray for you and your daughter. Thanks for the book recommendation. I will look it up, as it sounds like it would be helpful. I believe you made the right decision to finally let your daughter bear the consequences of her decisions, and stop intervening at the expense of your finances and health. I too am not young anymore (I'm over 60) and have to take care of myself. I also need to work on my own life, per the Al Anon suggestion of evaluating my own life and how I may need to change in order to be more healthy, including relationally. I regret that the last couple of times I spoke with my daughter I was losing patience and spoke more harshly than I should have. Now I realize it doesn't help to harp on her or plead that she change. I must be loving and caring but also hold a firm line on not trying to rescue her out of the consequences of her own choices, especially if she hasn't reached the point of wanting to change. I understand your fears, and agree you are right in sticking to your decision. I pray that God will give you wisdom in dealing with her violent tendencies, especially when the time comes for her release. You don't deserve that and shouldn't have to put up with it anymore. Knowing our adult children are living on the street with no shelter is one of the most horrible things I could have ever imagined, and yet that is where my daughter (apparently) is. The odds of her appearing at me door seem less likely, but I do tremble at the thought because I know we (I have remarried) could not allow her to live with us and it would be hard to send her away (maybe I would help her go to a homeless shelter, if she would accept). I also know the anxiety and fear that the phone may ring in the middle of the night (again), with my daughter telling me she is in crisis and wants me to come rescue her - again. I don't know if she is violent now; she hasn't been for awhile but she was in the past and it could happen again. She also has a boyfriend who is an addict, and I don't know what he is capable of. You mentioned real fear, which I also experience. It's true that we should be as prepared as possible should the worst happen, whether that is our child showing up at the door and threatening our safety, or learning of their death. Put up security cams, change door locks, seek a court-ordered restraining order, pray that God will help us through any situation. We should be proactive and prepared. But fear itself creeps in and causes us to constantly fret over all the horrific "what if" scenarios that may happen (the "what-if" monster). Shakespeare said it this way: "My life has been filled with terrible misfortune, most of which never happened". We know that not all of our imagined fears will happen and in that sense, fear is a liar. Even if one or more of our feared scenarios does happen, all our fretting in advance won't help us; rather, it erodes and has potential to destroy our lives. Somehow, we must recognize fear for what it is, face it with courage, and not allow it to paralyze us. One analogy that may seem cheesy (my wife tells me I have quite an imagination) but has helped me is a scene from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, where Gandolf faced the fierce balrog, demon of the ancient world, in the Mines of Moria, saying "You shall not pass"! (Technically this shows two scenes, the first in which Gandolf is apparently lost during the battle, and a later scene when he reappears in a redeemed state). [MEDIA=youtube]Y2fwe0rnHak[/MEDIA] "On the lowest dungeon of the highest peak, I fought him...until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin on the mountianside". Somehow, in the end, we will be stronger if we face and battle our fears with Truth. A preacher once said, after we heard some bad news, that "no discouragement is allowed!" And Martin Luther, in his most famous hymn, said about the prince of darkness that "one little word shall fell him (the little word, which is not mentioned in the hymn, is "LIAR"). Fear lies to and paralyzes us, and it does not help us unless we use it as a reminder to turn to God and ask for his help, to turn our anxieties into prayers; my soul clings to God; do not fret, it tends only to evil; the Light shines in the darkness, and darkness can never extinguish it. I'm sorry if this seems like a sermon. Trust me, if I'm preaching to anyone, it is to me, myself, and I, because I must constantly remind myself of these things. We parents of addicted adult children are living in real-time nightmares, and I will never trivialize that. I'm just sharing what has helped keep me from going down the roads of fear, discouragement, etc. Sometimes I have to say "NO, I will not go there, you shall not pass". Let go and let God. Yes, that is good counsel. New Leaf, I have read your posts about your daughters and I'm so sorry you are dealing with two adult children with addiction issues. It sounds like you have have shared similar struggles as I have, and your comments are so helpful. Amen. Many times I have wished I could go back and change my mistakes. But I know I always loved her and tried my best. I can't go back in time, so I must leave the past (and it's guilt) to God. Fortunately, in my faith, Jesus provides a remedy for guilt, and I must daily remember and accept that. Your daughter's confession in her moment of sobriety is illuminating, and I would guess most of our addicted adult children know that deep down. A train wreck is an appropriate analogy, and I would add "a slow motion" train wreck. Even though I knew her behavior and choices back then would lead to bad consequences, I couldn't have imagined it would be this bad. Yet, that is where we are and I must finally "Let go and let God", lest I be destroyed myself. It took a while for me to come to that realization. I really felt (hoped?) I was making a difference back then, but the horror of recurring crises slowly helped me realize this was a chronic problem with no straight forward solution. Last year a police officer told me that unfortunately I couldn't help my daughter until she decides to help herself. The officer was compassionate, and even though I didn't want to accept it, I knew she was right. Reading yours and others stories in this forum has helped me accept it even more. I wish it was different but it isn't, and acceptance and turning her over to God seems to be the only way to peace. Exactly. All the hope...evaporated. I lost both of my parents to Alzheimer's in the past 7 years, which was a difficult path. The combination of that and my daughter's addiction issues was sad and sometimes overwhelming. I couldn't share my daughter's issues with them but did ask them to pray for her. I think I am finally there. Even though I'm finally at the place of knowing I can't rescue my daughter, it is still sad and the sadness can overtake me again if I'm not careful. We still love our children and it's hard to both love them and yet not intervene when the consequences of their decisions constantly result in catastrophe...again and again, even though our efforts to save them have failed...again and again. I too have been sorting old photos and I had to stop because I was becoming sad for what was lost. My precious daughter that I loved so much, is now in the situation she is in. Thank you for reminding me that our children are really only loaned to us from God to raise for a few years, but then their choices are their own, even if their choices are harmful or deadly, and I can't change that. Knowing that sorting old photos has been a healing exercise for you is helpful. Hopefully I can look at it differently when I go back to that project. Yes, allow myself to feel sorrow and grief, process it, and let go and let God. This is well said. I won't help my daughter by being overcome with grief, anxiety, fear, depression, etc. I must exercise self care. The last time I saw my daughter about a year ago I reminded her that when Jesus said to "love your neighbor as yourself", the implication is that you love yourself. She seemed surprised and said she hated herself. I told her she was loved, and I pray she can realize that at a deep level. But I must do the same. I am my own worst critic, usually in destructive ways, so I must work on getting past that. Yes, I must honestly evaluate my shortcomings and work to remedy them, but I must also not debilitate myself by constantly condemning myself. It's a hard thing to do. Amen. I have prayed for you and your daughters and will continue to do so. Thanks again to all for your encouragement, prayers, and hugs. [/QUOTE]
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