Hi SeaGenie,
You are going through a lot of processing, as am I.
My difficult adult children will say the same thing- "You kicked us out". I don't buy into that. Certainly in this day and age, families stay together because it is tough out there. Jobs are scarce, rent is high. My attitude now is if an adult child is going to live in our home, there has to be mutual respect, and a willingness to contribute to the household.
When we have opened our home up again and again, it starts out with promises and small glimmers of change, but that has quickly eroded to chaos and disruption. We are expected to put up with this behavior, because we are parents and are expected to have "unconditional love." MEH!
NO, No and NO. We did not kick our children out, they chose to disregard our right to live peaceably in our home, they kicked themselves out by choices and actions.
Our children are adults. They are not the memories we have of them. They grow, they change, they make mistakes, they make their own way. Somehow, we have got to stop delving into the past and view them as they "once were", in order to move on ourselves; as well as see (without the blinders of the past) what they are in the present. For their sake and ours. We have got to view their actions and make decisions based upon their behavior in the "now".
My difficult children do not bring up the good times, only my mistakes, and then try to use that as an excuse for their bad choices. It is a ploy to keep us in the past, to keep us bound by our heartstrings into a tangled web.
Yes, it is a trick to play on your guilt, most definitely.
The roller coaster is the toughest part, because we are teetering on the edge of our maternal instincts to nurture and care and protect our children, while at the same time we know through experience that our children are taking advantage of us. We cannot shield our adult children from the mistakes they will make. They have their own journey and they have their own lessons to learn.
This is the manipulative part of the silent treatment, the void. Our children know how to push our buttons. They know we want to know that they are okay. It is a form of abuse, silent treatment. Do not hold your breath. I have decided that after all of these years waiting to hear words of comfort from my difficult children is a waste of my time and thoughts.
Instead, I have decided to BREATHE. I have decided to go through my own processing, in my own time, but also, when I find myself obsessing, to say a prayer for my difficult children, and a prayer for my sanity and peace of mind.
It helps to work through all of this by reading and posting. There is no judgement here, it is a safe place to vent.
How hard it is for you to go through this with your only son. I imagine you must have stayed strong and independent all of these years focusing on a bright future for him. You were the dynamic duo, able to conquer anything. There is still hope for you to have a healthy relationship, just not now, not on his terms.
I am glad you are determined to stay strong, to try loving detachment. You deserve to live a joyful life. I wish I had learned of it years ago. For I now know, that the blame game, manipulating, and enmeshment of an unhealthy relationship with troubled children, serves only to separate us further. They did not learn to stop pointing fingers at me and look in the mirror at themselves. I did not learn soon enough, that if I didn't place value on myself, how could I expect anyone else to?
VALUE yourself. Be kind to yourself. LOVE yourself. If anything, that is what you owe your son. Show him that you deserve much more than the treatment he has been dishing out.
Go enjoy your birthday at the condo! How awesome to have someone do that for you! You are worth it! The beach can be a very healing place to be.
One of my many favorite quotes-
"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears, or the sea."
Now, awaken that warrior Spartan blood in you sister-for yourself!
