New Leaf thank you a million times over. Waking up at 3 am and reading this helped. It is so hard and all of your posts have been a huge help. Cant thank you enough.
I guess I need to also realize its a waste of time to hope my difficult child will ever care or offer words of comfort - he will blame me and hate me and punish me with the silent treatment knowing it kills me. He has been abusive to me and his girlfriend when he is mad at her (she is no prize). I dont know if its the drugs making him so volatile or what but he has become shortfused and last time he was mad and screaming at me he punched a wall in my home. He was never like this before. He would berate his girlfriend over the phone constantly and Id have to tell him to hang up. I told him I didnt raise him to be controlling and abusive to girls and he'd tell me she deserves it because she cheated on him. I have just never seen such a horrible, mean side to him and now Im sure its worse since we are estranged.
I never dreamed he would act like this and his anger is bottled up because of all the mistakes he has made - he thinks are because everyone has done him wrong. He wont take accountability for anything. Its the cops fault, its his girlfriends fault, my fault... and his anger is just out of control.
Last conversation we had he was yelling at me saying it was me, I need to control my anger issues, I have a serious problem, even asked me if I was going thru menopause...turned it all back on me.
I did get angry when I found out he got in trouble again and yelled at him for doing such a stupid thing and acting so irresponsible. He told me he handled it on his own and it was none if my business. Living in my home its my business. To come home in the middle of the day and he and his buddy are "dabbing" and my house stinks of pot... it is my business. I would not allow anyone else to live with me and do drugs in my home, risk the chance of me getting arrested and lose everything.
My home has been clean, my pets are calm and happy, I feel safer with him out. Everytime he would come home he would be f'd up - buzzed on something and reeking of pot.
I told him I was disgusted and so dissapointed of who he has become and not once in his life has he tried to make me proud and do something productive. Instead he has been on a path of susbtance abuse and I couldnt take it anymore. He kept saying all he did was smoke pot but Ive seen him drunk, on Molly and high as a kite. Found pills (xanax, klonopin) and empty liquor bottles stashed in his room. He has lied to me about everything. He got fired from his last job but it was someone elses fault, he did nothing wrong. He lied to me for weeks after he lost that job - telling me they cut back his hours, etc. He & several other employees got fired for stealing. He said he got fired because he knew others were stealing but he never spoke up so they fired him too. The lies never ended.
You are right - the manipulation, silent treatment, the void... its all so dark and he has been so secretive but Ive always found out and then he gets irate and mad at me for getting in his business and "stalking" him.
Praying - I hope it works. I just hope he stays alive. I hope he struggles and it changes him and makes him humble and more appreciative. Not holding my breath though. He is not thinking clearly and acting too irrational. I just pray that he stays alive.
