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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 741072" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>FWIW, I see the biggest problem here being that grandma and daughter both seem to have gotten it into their heads that HeartHurt just didn't want to take on grandma. Of course that's not true and I DO know how awful that is to hear...and how awful that is for grandma to think. When my elderly father could not care for himself, he moved in with a cousin who is a nurse. I got a two bedroom condo and told him my friend was going to be my roommate. He was devastated. He had somehow gotten it in his head I had told him he could live with me. I lived on a steep hill and he couldn't have even taken walks outside. His health was such he couldn't be alone and I worked from 8 a.m. to sometimes after midnight! I even worked weekends sometimes. I explained that to him, but I think there were times that he still thought I just didn't want him.</p><p></p><p>HeartHurt, I know your daughter's disrespect and your mother's remarks have hurt you. But, being defensive and angry will not help this situation. In my opinion - and it's worth what you're paying for it - the thing to do when your mom or daughter says such things is to say what you've said here...</p><p></p><p><em>"I have to work. Mom would be all alone because I can't afford a caregiver and I have to work. Do you think I should quit my job? What would we do to pay the bills? How would I get ready for MY old age if I have no income and use all my retirement now? Mom can't do the stairs in my house. Do you think I should sell my house to buy one she can handle? Even if I DID sell my house...I would still have to work! We discussed this as a family. This wasn't just my choice."</em></p><p></p><p>Maybe your daughter would actually like a break from your mom and that is fueling some of her resentment? Ask her if she needs a break. Tell her it hadn't occurred to you that maybe she's in need of some respite herself. Could you offer take over some of the caretaking? Does your mother have anything she does besides sit around the house? Maybe you could find some senior activities to take her to, where she could socialize? If daughter hasn't historically been nasty to you, maybe there's a reason for it now. Finding out the reason may be key to everyone getting along.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 741072, member: 17309"] FWIW, I see the biggest problem here being that grandma and daughter both seem to have gotten it into their heads that HeartHurt just didn't want to take on grandma. Of course that's not true and I DO know how awful that is to hear...and how awful that is for grandma to think. When my elderly father could not care for himself, he moved in with a cousin who is a nurse. I got a two bedroom condo and told him my friend was going to be my roommate. He was devastated. He had somehow gotten it in his head I had told him he could live with me. I lived on a steep hill and he couldn't have even taken walks outside. His health was such he couldn't be alone and I worked from 8 a.m. to sometimes after midnight! I even worked weekends sometimes. I explained that to him, but I think there were times that he still thought I just didn't want him. HeartHurt, I know your daughter's disrespect and your mother's remarks have hurt you. But, being defensive and angry will not help this situation. In my opinion - and it's worth what you're paying for it - the thing to do when your mom or daughter says such things is to say what you've said here... [I]"I have to work. Mom would be all alone because I can't afford a caregiver and I have to work. Do you think I should quit my job? What would we do to pay the bills? How would I get ready for MY old age if I have no income and use all my retirement now? Mom can't do the stairs in my house. Do you think I should sell my house to buy one she can handle? Even if I DID sell my house...I would still have to work! We discussed this as a family. This wasn't just my choice."[/I] Maybe your daughter would actually like a break from your mom and that is fueling some of her resentment? Ask her if she needs a break. Tell her it hadn't occurred to you that maybe she's in need of some respite herself. Could you offer take over some of the caretaking? Does your mother have anything she does besides sit around the house? Maybe you could find some senior activities to take her to, where she could socialize? If daughter hasn't historically been nasty to you, maybe there's a reason for it now. Finding out the reason may be key to everyone getting along. [/QUOTE]
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