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Cultivating Relationships with difficult children
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<blockquote data-quote="InsaneCdn" data-source="post: 484514" data-attributes="member: 11791"><p>OK. So, I'm one of the ones bringing up this relationship stuff, guess I have to speak up, right?</p><p></p><p>There's more than one type of GFGness. What works for one situation won't work for another.</p><p>Things that make relationship building really difficult include:</p><p>- brain injury</p><p>- mental illnesses like borderline personality, etc. - the ones that are really hard to manage</p><p>- Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)</p><p>- serious abuse, and the younger they were, the worse it is</p><p></p><p>If you're dealing with a difficult child who <em>became</em> a difficult child - not born one - then the process of becoming a difficult child will have also damaged relationships. Not having needs met for years, having parents side with teachers, etc. - they don't trust anybody any more. BUT... they used to. Somewhere down inside, the relationship skills are there - but the relationship got damaged. NOT because the parents are bad parents, but because the whole sequence of events, and the whole system we have to work with (school, medical, etc.), works against the difficult child.</p><p></p><p>THEN, it definitely works to rebuild the relationship. We had to guess at what difficult child really wanted - relationship damaged enough that he wouldn't speak up because "we wouldn't listen anyway". We got it right on a couple, close on a couple others... and built from there. Some of these activities are NOT what husband enjoys at all - some, husband likes or loves (like car-lot browsing...). But for several hours a week, husband and difficult child are off doing "guy things" (leaving us ladies to do "gal things"... everybody wins here). And... the opposition, the stealing, the lying, the whole attitude thing... is slowly disolving.</p><p></p><p>Warning... FIRST, we had to get to the bottom of the real problems and start making a difference there. Otherwise, there would have been no basis to rebuild. THAT process... only took 10 years.</p><p></p><p>Now? Well, if this was as bad as he had ever gotten, I would not have come here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="InsaneCdn, post: 484514, member: 11791"] OK. So, I'm one of the ones bringing up this relationship stuff, guess I have to speak up, right? There's more than one type of GFGness. What works for one situation won't work for another. Things that make relationship building really difficult include: - brain injury - mental illnesses like borderline personality, etc. - the ones that are really hard to manage - Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - serious abuse, and the younger they were, the worse it is If you're dealing with a difficult child who [I]became[/I] a difficult child - not born one - then the process of becoming a difficult child will have also damaged relationships. Not having needs met for years, having parents side with teachers, etc. - they don't trust anybody any more. BUT... they used to. Somewhere down inside, the relationship skills are there - but the relationship got damaged. NOT because the parents are bad parents, but because the whole sequence of events, and the whole system we have to work with (school, medical, etc.), works against the difficult child. THEN, it definitely works to rebuild the relationship. We had to guess at what difficult child really wanted - relationship damaged enough that he wouldn't speak up because "we wouldn't listen anyway". We got it right on a couple, close on a couple others... and built from there. Some of these activities are NOT what husband enjoys at all - some, husband likes or loves (like car-lot browsing...). But for several hours a week, husband and difficult child are off doing "guy things" (leaving us ladies to do "gal things"... everybody wins here). And... the opposition, the stealing, the lying, the whole attitude thing... is slowly disolving. Warning... FIRST, we had to get to the bottom of the real problems and start making a difference there. Otherwise, there would have been no basis to rebuild. THAT process... only took 10 years. Now? Well, if this was as bad as he had ever gotten, I would not have come here. [/QUOTE]
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