cursed at, at the pool

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by amazeofgrace, Jun 8, 2008.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    so difficult child II has been a sailor when it comes to his mouth. I took him and a friend to the pool today and he announced after an hour it was time to go, it was hot so I was fine with that, but he mumbled something and when I asked him to repeat it he went off, "F this" and "f that" in front of his friend and all the other people sitting with in ear shot. I swear there are days I'd like to smack him, but I know it would be a brawl, and yes, it is the worng thing to do.

    Once home I sent the friend home and made difficult child II come inside. I told him we were not going to Growth Group (once a week church group, he has friends there) due to his disrespectful behavior. He lost it and carried on for a good hour. It seems no matter what I try to do, reward or consequence, there's no off switch to his blatant disrespect!

    sorry venting, it's been a long weekend
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Don't you just hate the "f" word? That is my easy child's favorite and she uses it often because she knows that is the very one word that will rile me up. I know she picked it up from her friends. I know who she has recently spent time with by the increase in this word and the decrease in her other vocabulary.

    Are things quieter now?
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that he was so ungrateful. Were you able to walk away from him?
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I wouldn't have waited until we got home. I would have calmly said, "Excuse me, that was uncalled for. Can we try this again from the top? Only this time, without the embellishments?"
    Or you could say, "Where on earth did that come from? Now let's try this again..." etc.

    When something like this happens in front of bystanders, it's not good for either of you. Plus there is always the importance of dealing with it immediately, if it's possible (considering TEC methods and baskets, etc).

    There is also the very interesting factor of bad behaviour for the benefit of a young bystander - even PCs do this, it's typical teen behaviour which in a difficult child can get really out of hand. When easy child began to be disrespectful in front of her friends, I was shocked - she was a good kid who was polite and well-behaved as a rule. The first time, I waited until later to talk to her and said, "Why did you do this? I was embarrassed for you and I could see that you embarrassed your friends, too, by being so disrespectful to me in front of them." She was upset and angry with herself, didn't know why she had done it.
    The next time I called her on it in front of her friends. I wasn't going to have a blazing row with her in front of them, but I did remind her of our earlier conversation. And again afterwards, we talked and agreed to set up a code so I could warn her to back off.

    I don't require subservience form my kids but I do require respect, especially in public. In return, I show them respect.

    A good guide to your parental response especially when they reach their teens - I treat them as I would a visitor to my home, perhaps a tenant, who has suddenly begun to behave inappropriately. We forgive a lot, we might comment but not too harshly, but still say what we feel we need to say to defend our honour in our own place.

    With banning him from going to his church group - the possibility of this was not in his mind when he spoke disrespectfully. It came on him out of the blue, which is why he was so angry with you about it. Basically, it wasn't on the table at all, until you said, "It's not happening." In his mind, this was unfair. As a result, instead of focussing (as he should have) on why you banned attending the church group, he was instead focussed on the injustice of your behaviour to him, so I suspect nothing got learnt.

    I would suggest an alternative (in the event of future recurrences) - ask him what he feels a suitable punishment would be. Also ask him if he feels that taking that foul mouth of his to church is really such a good idea. This helps him better see the connection between his transgressions and the punishment you want imposed. It also gives him an opportunity to apologise.

    If you can do this as soon as possible (without escalating his temper) then your response will have the most beneficial outcome possible for him.

    It also needs to be done each time, over and over, with you keeping your cool even when he loses his.

    It's a pain, it's a hassle, but it does ease with time and persistence. It also is teaching him each time that although you're not going to shout back at him, you're also not going to accept being treated with disrespect.

    Did you ever find out what it was he mumbled? Was it intended as a confidential aside to you (such as, "I'm fed up with my friend today, he's being a jerk and I want to go home so we can send him home") or was it something you weren't supposed to hear (such as, "It is such a drag having to be chaperoned by my mother at the pool; and the girl I wanted to see isn't here anyway, this is a waste of time today.")? If either of these, by asking him to repeat himself louder, it could have been causing embarrassment. Not that this is a valid excuse, only it helps to understand what the trigger was so you can avoid it in the future (perhaps by advising him to not say anything likely to be embarrassing, under such circumstances, in future).

  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    been there done that, sorry for the rough day. Hugs.
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't see it in your profile, and sorry nor do I remember, how old difficult child II is. Most kids do go through a time when the curse words are very appealing to them (although most don't say it in front of their parents!).

    Kids are going to use these words whether we like it or not. Mine are not allowed to use those words in our home, but I don't for one minute think they've never said one!!!! I understand that it really is an issue of respect and I agree.

  7. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Sorry! It is especially frustrating when our difficult child choose to act this way in public! So far, I have avoided our community pool like the plague out of fear of my difficult child's behaviors.
  8. Oh my goodness! I am so sorry for you. I have been in that situation. It is the worst. I am definitely checking out this thread for ideas of what to do.
  9. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    difficult child II is 11 and there is no off switch once he gets going, no distraction or words will make him stop. This is my complaint with the medications, I tell the Dr. the clonodine is probably helping him not to go full rage, that, and the memory of being subdued by 3 large police officers, but it's still there, right under the surface, what pill can fix this, I am losing hope

    difficult child I (17) went to Dr. today, they are taking him off the trileptal and putting him on concerta - pill (he always used to pull the patch off) and 5 mg of lexapro, so we will see, he is still being manic like, which I attribute to the anxiety he is having over every thing.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So sorry.
    I would have reacted immediately, but at least he got a consequence when he got home. I would expect him to behave like that with-that consequence, by the way. Certainly, he wouldn't have thanked you. :)
    I hate that word. Sigh.
  11. adearing01

    adearing01 New Member

    Soon to happen in public for me as well I am sure. Last Saturday he was angry with me for disciplining him for treating his brother bad and being disrespectful. Whole episode was about 2 1/2 hours. You know the screaming, kicking the walls, throwing toys, etc. During which time he said "Your name is F word(his exact words), your name is A**(he spells this out)," he then proceded to flip me off with both of his fingers!

    I know he learned this from school and he only uses it when he is angry, but I know how you feel. I don't know how to respond short of smacking him. So far I have just ignored it since it is during a tantrum.

    Anyone tried soap?
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Soap would these days probably be classed as assault. I find humour works best - after all, they're aiming for the shock factor, the horrified, angry reaction. Instead, I am careful to NOT show if I'm angry, I aim for amused condescension along the lines of, "My my, that's a big word for a little boy. Now you need to explain to me what it means..."

    Often they have no idea exactly what they have said, and can be horrified when they find out. Again, I also ignore if it's during a tantrum or rage because it's not worth the hassle. That doesn't mean I entirely let it go - I make sure to remind him of it at a later time when he is happy and calm. For example, difficult child 3 was swearing at me one night and saying, "I hate you" which at the time I ignored and just carried on getting dinner, whistling.

    Next morning when I was saying goodbye to difficult child 3 at the school gate I said as I always do, "I love you, son," and he replied with, "I love you, Mum."
    THAT'S when I reminded him - "that's not what you said last night."

    He dropped his head and said, "I didn't mean it, I was angry."

    So I replied (calmly, again,) "It's very difficult to take away words once they have been said. It's much better to have not said them, isn't it? Let's have a fresh start to the day."

    No punishment could have been as effective as that conversation.