Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Nov 8, 2010.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    So, I've had some suspicions that katie has not been calling shelters/churches due to the "migraines" and staying in bed. Course I'm not with them at the motel, so I can't say for sure. But I know that when they were here and she had one she'd stay in bed and did no calling. So I'm assuming the same has been going on there. Lord knows Katie has always been what I call a wuss when it comes to feeling bad.......something she takes after her dad and biomom coddled the hades out of her whenever she was sick.

    Not trying to be hard hearted, but when a roof over your head means you get up and move.......I don't care how bad you feel you get up and move. Most especially when 3 kids are counting on you to keep them fed and housed.:mad:

    I haven't seen/heard from katie since the outing on thurs. That means there was no going to head start to sign up Evan, no applying at more places for work, or even going out to welfare to push along the medical card they've been approved for so katie can get her medications. Nada. Nothing.

    So I just get off the phone with kaite. Hmm first time she's used the phone since she's been there. Seems she "did her calls to shelters" and wilmington suddenly reveal to her that their county residence come first above her. Hmm I find that interesting as I said that was most likely the case 2 wks ago to her. Then she said our shelter told her there is now a 3 month wait. WTH? How? IF she's been calling everyday and they filled with new people she should've been called, was not. She's not even at the top of the list, not with a 3 month wait because that shelter works hard and getting people through the program asap and moving them out so new people can come in, the director told me that when I called before katie even got here.:mad:

    Oddly churches do not call her back..........not even here. Has to make me wonder.

    I did look up yet another shelter in dayton she'll call when she comes over in a while. It's for families so maybe there is an opening..........and honestly I don't give a crud that it is located in dayton.

    I told her to call our local catholic church again. Told her that she would park the whole family in their sanctuary if necessary and refuse to budge until they found a solution. Even told her d/v shelter if necessary,.

    We are badly behind in bills due to the week they stayed here already. And while I don't want to look at my grandkids and say No, you have to freeze on the streets.................I also don't want to risk losing everything I HAVE WORKED HARD FOR to offer them a place to stay.

    And right now as I'm in the middle of a major PTSD moment, I could care less if that sounds cold and heartless.

    And no, I can't take in the kids without the parents. It's the volume of people, the effect on utilities husband and I are already struggling to pay......and barely meeting.

    I've looked for other shelters thinking there has to be something. But everyone is geared to single adults. Excuse me? Families are never homeless??? If you're lucky a shelter might have 2 family rooms. Geez totally unbelievable..........and I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it for myself.

    Could totally smack her upside the head for not keeping with the phone calls and coddling herself over the headaches. But to confront her with it is to outright call her a liar because she told me she has. And I have no proof that she hasn't. But there is no way our shelter jumped from a month wait to 3 mos with her calling asking for help. She would've gotten in by now.

    Now the money is obviously running out and she's in panic mode. I'm expected to save them again.

    I can't save them, or I risk putting us into the same position. And I can't do that. My self preservation mode won't let me. Currently it's a war with my Momma mode.........at the moment it's winning.

    But I swear I don't know how I'm going to look her in the eye and say No. I don't know where that strength is going to come from, I don't even know if I have it in me. If it were just her and M I'd tell her to deal with it and not think twice. But there are 3 little kids involved and that makes me furious.:mad::mad:

    I'm guessing with the hints she was throwing out today they don't have this weeks rent paid up afterall. Bet they come to pick up the kids for supper and either ask to stay or expect to stay. Gut feeling that I really really hope is dead wrong. At least a week would be some time..................dunno if it would make any difference.......but something. ugh omg

    But I swear if she's gone about finding shelters spots the way she has jobs.................Then she hasn't done any calling the whole time they've been in the motel or very d*mn little.

    At the moment I'm having a really hard time feeling empathetic. I hope it's enough to carry me through so I can be strong enough to tell them NO you can't come here. And to be able to word it tactfully.

    Some days I just wish someone would shoot me and get it over with.

    Thanks for the ramble.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Ramble, vent, scream and yell if you want to, sweetie. That's what we're here for!!!

    Send her to Dayton. In fact, just look her in the eye and say... Honey, we canNOT afford to have you live here. There is just NO WAY.

    No details, no explanation. 'Cause, in my opinion, you CAN'T - aside from financial reasons, you won't survive it. Not emotionally or physically.

    There are shelters in Dayton, and Cincinnati, that handle families. If she has to go to a DV shelter? M will have to figure it out on his own.

    {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} for you, though...
  3. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Thanks step..............but the time this is done I may sound like a raving lunatic. lol It seriously has the PTSD going full force, something I haven't had to deal with in almost 4 yrs..........and when I did I had medications.

    husband is stomping around going No No No No! I told him He can tell them............he's got that gruff mean voice, and a bad rep for being "mean" anyway. But even he's not fond of actually telling them.

    Oh........and the really good part?? If they have no shelter and are on the street....................... as a nurse I'm a manditory reporter or I'll not be able to get my license............easy child is a maditory reporter as well. So one of us, or both of us will have to call in CPS. Isn't that just grand. Although at the moment those 3 being in a foster home is better than sleeping outside behind some building somewhere.

    Man I'm spittin mad!!!!

    How can you want to change so badly but do so very little to make it happen? No jobs? Nichole has 2 job interviews..........she's been looking a week. I mean c'mon seriously? Down here I told her to get a job it took her 2 wks or so tops. Granted Travis is having more issues.........but then he's disabled so he's limited in what he can actually do.......but even he is looking harder than they are.

    How utterly stupid can one be? Oh, we only have so much cash to pay motel rent..........then we are on the streets..........perhaps we want to DO something to prevent that. UGH Last time I check lying in bed nursing a headache/migraine does nothing to accomplish anything.........except lying in bed. And of course he can do nothing without her...........not even make a simple phone call without her to coach him.

    You may regret giving me open season to vent. I've done my best to be objective, understanding ect..........but this has been building for 3 wks. ARGH
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Honey, you NEED to vent. Go for it and get as much out of your system as you can so you can (hopefully) keep a reasonable tone when you do have to tell her no.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh....I thought I heard my name being called! LOL.

    I think Cory is going to Iowa, should he swing by and grab M on his way? Maybe he can leave him in Iowa. (I dont even know if you are on the way to Iowa personally...lol)

    This is a tough situation. Worse than what I am in because of the finances. I would be nuts because of the whole people junk but at least we probably wouldnt go broke. We have enough room in our house to pack them in pretty tight and there is always hunting to supplement food. You dont have that. Im crazy enough with Billy and Cory and Many here...dont know how I would handle your brood coming in with their problems.
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Ohhhhhhh... Hey, M wouldn't want to eat VENISON, would he?!

    I bet E and my husband would be HAPPY to take him HUNTING...


    OK, sorry. Maybe. ...Do you like venison?
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Maybe CPS is the answer.

    Maybe the kids get taken, you get them, you get some funding to help support them, and M and K are left to figure it out. I dunno. Just wondering...
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh this is a heartbreaking situation. I do think you should call CPS as hard as it is. Those kids need to be taken care of. If they want to stay with you would it be possible to let the kids stay a night until you call CPS? Or let Katie and the kids stay but tell M he cannot stay?

    I am concerned about the domestic violence. If there has been DV in the past, chances are it is still going on at least in an emotional way. I would look for DV agencies in your area and call them. A lot of DV agencies have advocates that work with those who are in abusive relationships figuring out next steps. They have community advocates who do this kind of work with people who are not in shelter.... and a DV shelter might be better than a homeless shelter. Of course that would need to mean that Katie is afraid of and willing to leave M.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    There is a god. The shelter in dayton is holding them a spot for thurs...................can't say more now will be back later. Thank god......omg you've no idea.
  11. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    YAY! Hopefully they'll get there without complications (like M whining and delaying and making them miss it).
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Ok, they've left and I can talk.

    Soon as they got here I gave katie the number to the dayton shelter I got from catholic charities and told her to call them. She was stunned, no problem about room, lady will hold the spot until their rent runs out on thurs.

    The hitch: They can only take 7 days worth of clothes for each person and nothing else. Guessing room and theft issues. It's one huge room.......I know, I've stayed there..........one for women/children and one for men. No separate rooms like the last shelter in Mo. And each week they're re-evaled by a social worker to see if they can stay. Shelter will try to find them hud housing.

    Kids were devastated of course. Both Alex and Kayla are afraid they won't see us again. They sat plastered to my lap until supper was ready. I'm surprised I have circulation left. Kayla was fighting back tears.........as was Katie.

    But you know, Fran's favorite saying kept playing over and over in my head. If you always do what you've always done; you always get what you've always got. Nothing else could be more perfect.

    They've had 3 wks here to get into a shelter, get welfare set up, and find work. At least 2 of those goals should've been met. Heck, I'd have settled for one......welfare has been approved but she hasn't got her medicaid cards yet except for kayla and Alex. But in all honesty......I wouldn't have been so disappointed had they really gone out and looked for work, not just 3 token places.

    Katie got two slaps across the face tonight. Turning Point.......the program that would teach M to read and get his GED told him they'd be calling him this week since he has at least kept up calling them. Well that's a no go now. And the principal at the school called, seemed there was a group of Mom's organized at the school providing xmas for the homeless kids and he wanted to make certain Kayla and Alex were involved. Now of course with them in dayton the point is mute.

    Guess when you move too slow opportunities slip out of your fingers.

    If Katie thought the St Louis shelter was bad.........wow, she's in for an eye opener. Ok, it's not the worst place in the world, but it's no picnic either by far. It's in the old YWCA building and unless they've done some work........ok unless they've totally redone the place........she's gonna freeze if it's a cold winter. No privacy at all. It's going to take every ounce of strength to keep 3 kids under control in a vast room full of strangers............and she'd better cuz even the slightest hint of neglect gets CPS involved. They'd better be actively looking for work............and I'm not sure but I don't think they're allowed to even stay in the building during the day.

    One hellova life lesson. Maybe it will open her eyes to the obvious. Maybe it will be the straw to motivate her to truly change regardless of how hard it is or headaches ect. If not.........then she'd better get used to it cuz that's how they'll be living out the rest of their lives.

    There is a God and evidently he'd like me to stay sane afterall.:peaceful:

    It's not fair to the kids to be yanked from yet another school and placed into yet another shelter. But that isn't my fault. At some point their parents have to be forced to face the consequences of their own actions or inaction. And I just can't bring myself to jeopardize what all I've waited a lifetime for and worked hard for to "maybe" help them out of the disaster they've created themselves.

    Once again they're on their own to sink or swim. I'll be funding the trip to dayton with xmas cash I have tucked away. There will be no more trips, we can't afford it, we've got to catch back up on the bills before the thick of winter hits. Nichole is super low on empathy, so she's not going to be toting them around........just got off the phone with her. And they don't know where exactly she lives so they can't go look her up.

    We'll be here on holidays..........and Nichole did say she'd bring them down for those......how I dunno as there are so many of them.......guess 2 cars. That will have to do until they can get their act together.

    It svcks but I didn't do it. And I can't fix this one, nor can I rescue.

    And in just 3 days I'll have my life back. I'll finally be able to really study for state boards and take the exam. No more waiting in dread for M to show up out of the blue...........man, I'm almost giddy, but I refuse to get excited until there is no doubt the shelter will take them on thursday.

    Ohhh yeah..........10 yrs has sooooo made me not the same person.:smug:
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad they got a spot, Lisa. Sending hugs.
  14. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Thank heaven for all concerned, you not least. I hope and pray the spot will remain open for them and they'll get down there and into a structured situation. It sounds like they need so much more
    in terms of support and services than any one individual can give. No wonder you're having PTSD breakthrough! If, by some awful chance, things fall through, I second the concept of calling CPS and
    protecting the children. Honestly, with M the way he is and Katie immobilized with migraines and basic needs not being supplied, the kids need help. While I understand your drive to care for the grandkids
    and try to help Katie, your first priority does have to be to keep yourself and husband stable with bills paid. No one will be helped by you and husband going under. It's not selfish to take care of that first.
    Lots of thoughts and prayers going out (and up) that Dayton will have a place for them and you'll be able to regain some equilibrium. {{{hugs}}}
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa, if all else fails and CPS does have to get involved, I am going to say this one time. Offer to become the foster parents because you would get the state aid and while it wouldnt be a whole lot, it would be enough to take care of them and feed them, they would get medicaid and free lunches, be on the rolls for xmas stuff and those two would be forced to pay child support which would make them step up. Might be the only way to actually get through to them in the end. If the youngest is just too hard, well, just take the oldest two. I am betting that the kids would get split up in foster care anyway. Very hard to place three kids together you know...especially 3 special needs kids.
  16. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    You go Warrior Mom!!!! I think you did the absolute best thing you could do for them!! :D
  17. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I'm thrilled!

    You're right about the shelter in Dayton. Wake-up call! I also hope they can find work and get into a suburb ASAP.

    However good news - they'll qualify for all kinds of help in Montgomery County...
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Continued prayers - what a devastating situation for those poor babies. I'm heartbroken over this; don't know if I'd be as strong as you are. Kudos to you, Lisa~now get cracking on those state boards!
  19. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Lisa, Janet is right. Here they call that "kinship" foster care where a family member takes the kids and they receive the same stipend from the state that any other foster child receives. The amounts vary but what they pay here is about equal to the amount of child support I received for my son when he was younger. They also receive medical and dental care and any counseling services they might need. The foster kids here also get a clothing allowance several times a year and different organizations assisted with Christmas gifts, etc. It would be an awful lot for you to take on though, especially since these are difficult child kids.
  20. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Janet and Donna that is a good idea about the kinship foster care, as at the moment, financially that is the only way we'd be able to take the kids in.........and honestly, it would be the best thing for them due to services they can get that way. And yeah, also because it would force both katie and her husband to step up and do what they should already be doing, plus keep the kids in family. Which in my opinion these kids need really really bad, that family connection and support system. They've been yanked here and there most of their lives everytime they turn around. (kayla tells all) They're already in need of counseling.........kayla is shouldering too much responsibility for a 10 yr old and all 3 of them have never known any sort of stability.

    Would be a ton of work to take them on............which I've thought long and hard about because well the situation has forced me to. IF CPS got involved and we had to take them husband would not be happy........phht like I care, he goes along with me or it's the curb anyway and he knows it. I might be able to handle Evan without his parents around, especially without M influencing his behavior. But if Nana takes over parenting the boy is in for a rude awakening. Nana is the most stubborn parent on the planet. I don't give in to tantrums, his baby whine ect, and he will sit in time out if I have to hold him there. Pretty much the same for Alex........although he is nowhere near as bad as Evan. Oddly Kayla may pose as the greatest challenge. She's spent most of her young life forced to Mother her brothers literally. I'd have to work on her letting go of that and help her to be just a little girl again, heck maybe for the first time.

    You all are going to think I'm just a tad crazy...................... But I tend to have precognitive dreams. I bought this house we live in now because for months before we even saw the house I dreamed of it.........that I was fighting Katie for custody........and that the kids came here to live. I've had similar dreams the whole time we've lived here.

    That doesn't mean necessarily that it is predestined. And I'm doing what I can to prevent those events from having to take place. I have never wanted custody of the grands, and I don't now. I want Katie to step up and be the parent she is supposed to be.

    But it does mean that 1. it won't be a shock to me if I suddenly get a call from CPS......been expecting it for years. and 2. I can prepare myself emotionally, mentally, and physically for the worst while doing my best to try to see that the best case scenario happens.....that katie steps up and does what she is supposed to do.

    Even the family has a plan in place for it CPS does become involved. Travis will go to easy child's to free up a bedroom. Once again the downstairs will be rearranged so that the livingroom becomes another bedroom making the house back into a 3 bedroom instead of 2. It worked for 5 yrs until Nichole left home, it will work again.:tongue:

    I hope it doesn't have to come to that. But I'm prepared if it does. In the meantime I'll be studying and getting things done that were put on hold because Katie showed up.