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Daddy Issues (my own)
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 609192" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Dstc: I feel little silly, because me getting burnt isn't recent. More like over 15 years ago. And my dad didn't actually do anything to me, just dumbed me and mine like a wet sock. And to be honest, if he would had done that to a yet another drinking binge or two or to backpack around the world for five years, I wouldn't had been hurt much, but just rolled my eyes and thought that he is who he is. But playing a 'dad' and 'granddad' to someone else, and taking so much joy out of it publicly and at the same time dumbing me and my kids, that really got to me. I know it is childish and he is an adult and I was an adult and he had a right to spend his time and Holidays with people he enjoyed being with and he didn't have any responsibility of me and all that. But right or not, I was angry and hurt.</p><p></p><p>I thought I had long ago forgiven and let all that go, because he is who he is. There is no point to expect anything more from him. But it doesn't seem to be so simple.</p><p></p><p>MWM: Why I feel a need to engage him? That is a good question. Because he is my dad kind of feels like a good reason to me. But there are others. I do feel my sons have a right to that heritage too. Right to know him. And he has a right to know them. I do want him to sketch and paint my easy child and also difficult child now that he is an adult. I'm very curious to see them through his eyes. And I have, after years and years of trying to desperately assimilate to my husband's family, turned back to look and appreciate my roots and background. But I'm an only child. No cousins and everyone else but my dad already dead. There is no one else but me and him left to remember.</p><p></p><p>It is that peculiar, but profound, loneliness, when you walk in cemetery full of candles, most tombstones having five or ten or fifteen of them, at Christmas Eve twilight with shopping bag full of candles and light them, one by one, in front of the long line of tombstones that don't have any other candles lighting them. Just walking there, when you can see from far away that one dark spot of tombstones in that huge cemetery full of candles and light, almost no single grave without but that cluster of yours. Having your husband and your kids with you doesn't take away that kind of loneliness. </p><p></p><p>For years I tried to arrange our Christmas Eve (yes, in our culture Eve is the most important day of our Christmas celebrations) schedule so that we would had hit the cemetery my family is buried when it was still day light (and when sundown is around 3 p.m. it is a challenge I assure you), just so that it wouldn't be so concrete that there really isn't anyone but me left. But that really messed up our timetable so I decided not to be a sissy and stop trying to avoid the truth.</p><p></p><p>Other than that; my dad can be really engaging person, when he puts his mind into it and I do enjoy his company at times. He is lots of things, but he is almost never boring and he can be great fun.</p><p></p><p>And yeah, I do love him anyway.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 609192, member: 14557"] Dstc: I feel little silly, because me getting burnt isn't recent. More like over 15 years ago. And my dad didn't actually do anything to me, just dumbed me and mine like a wet sock. And to be honest, if he would had done that to a yet another drinking binge or two or to backpack around the world for five years, I wouldn't had been hurt much, but just rolled my eyes and thought that he is who he is. But playing a 'dad' and 'granddad' to someone else, and taking so much joy out of it publicly and at the same time dumbing me and my kids, that really got to me. I know it is childish and he is an adult and I was an adult and he had a right to spend his time and Holidays with people he enjoyed being with and he didn't have any responsibility of me and all that. But right or not, I was angry and hurt. I thought I had long ago forgiven and let all that go, because he is who he is. There is no point to expect anything more from him. But it doesn't seem to be so simple. MWM: Why I feel a need to engage him? That is a good question. Because he is my dad kind of feels like a good reason to me. But there are others. I do feel my sons have a right to that heritage too. Right to know him. And he has a right to know them. I do want him to sketch and paint my easy child and also difficult child now that he is an adult. I'm very curious to see them through his eyes. And I have, after years and years of trying to desperately assimilate to my husband's family, turned back to look and appreciate my roots and background. But I'm an only child. No cousins and everyone else but my dad already dead. There is no one else but me and him left to remember. It is that peculiar, but profound, loneliness, when you walk in cemetery full of candles, most tombstones having five or ten or fifteen of them, at Christmas Eve twilight with shopping bag full of candles and light them, one by one, in front of the long line of tombstones that don't have any other candles lighting them. Just walking there, when you can see from far away that one dark spot of tombstones in that huge cemetery full of candles and light, almost no single grave without but that cluster of yours. Having your husband and your kids with you doesn't take away that kind of loneliness. For years I tried to arrange our Christmas Eve (yes, in our culture Eve is the most important day of our Christmas celebrations) schedule so that we would had hit the cemetery my family is buried when it was still day light (and when sundown is around 3 p.m. it is a challenge I assure you), just so that it wouldn't be so concrete that there really isn't anyone but me left. But that really messed up our timetable so I decided not to be a sissy and stop trying to avoid the truth. Other than that; my dad can be really engaging person, when he puts his mind into it and I do enjoy his company at times. He is lots of things, but he is almost never boring and he can be great fun. And yeah, I do love him anyway. [/QUOTE]
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