Dare I say it out loud?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, May 26, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    difficult child came to me last night with the same angst as we've done a bazillion times. I know I've posted about it before and I posted the one from Friday night in the WC on the grumpy thread. This was the exact same thing.

    The only difference is, instead of offering possible solutions that she always, always shoots down or says she *can't* or whatever...I just sat back and when she said that she hates it (hitting the door for emphasis), I just replied, "I can tell." I used those kinds of statements, such as that or "I'm sure you do", etc. And I didn't go any further. Then she said that she also hates it when people ignore her. I told her that I wasn't ignoring her. She said, well, you're not saying anything.

    And I told her that I don't know what I can say that would change anything. She said there isn't anything I could say. So, then I tossed it back at her and asked her if she had any thoughts on what she could do about any of this. She doesn't know.

    Anyway, it evolved into a conversation of I know you like to think that you're completely different than me, but the things I offer as strategies are things I have pulled out of life experience; whether things I learned for myself, in watching other people or talking to other people in similar situations or in reading and learning about these things. I don't just make them up. We talked about various things and she realized (I think) that I might actually know a little something about what I'm talking about and what she's experiencing isn't really so different from what I have in the past. Talked about why she is so against therapy, talked about how it could help with teaching her appropriate skills and coping mechanisms, talked about joining group activities, etc.

    Told her the board saying of, "If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got" and that it's time to try something different. Asked her to at least entertain the idea of seeing a therapist to learn these skills that I just don't know how to teach to her even if I do know what they need to be and stepping outside your comfort zone because if you don't, you'll never become comfortable with it as you'll never have opportunity for practice.

    This entire conversation lasted about 2 hours. Of course, she didn't come to me until about 3am. But, in the end she was much more receptive to these ideas...to the understanding that there is no magical fix for these things and that she is going to have to do the hard work it takes and that means being uncomfortable and practicing and all that jazz.

    Maybe I got through? Maybe some of this will take root? I hope so.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Wow! That is great! I am taking notes- some of this might be useful over in our house, too!
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Let's hope she actually heard. It is so hard to get kids in general to move out of their comfort zone but ones with Wynter's anxiety issues are so over the top about it. Being different, being afraid of being made fun of, being afraid of failure.

    I've many conversations similar to yours with mine. We'd have them, she'd say the right things and I'd be hopeful she'd have gotten the message. Then, she'd go right back to old ways. I honestly thought I had totally failed. Now that she is living on her own, I've found that many of the things we discussed when she was much younger did stick with her and are tools she is using today.

    So, if it doesn't work today or tomorrow, don't be surprised if you find that one day the impact of your conversations will crop up.
  4. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    I've said it before, I'll say it again.... I see parallels of life here. This event is just another example. Your difficult child and my oldest easy child/difficult child are the two I compare and you did exactly what I've done. You got the same reaction. If she follows through then you WILL have success like I have and I can tell you, while the road may still be bumpy at times, you're gonna like the ride lady! ;)

    Good luck to ya and difficult child. I hope this is a new wind blowing for a change for you!