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Dat +8 = Ockie
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 362641" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Pony, </p><p> </p><p>I am continuing to keep baby J in my thoughts daily. I just wanted to comment on your difficult child's behavior, and how you feel. I completely get it. Believe me as the new Mother coming home with a baby in her lap - and no one at the hospital to pick us up, never taking his own child to the doctors, and never changing a diaper? I really get the uninvolved Dad bit. </p><p>I used to make excuses that he couldn't handle it if the baby was sick, and how could he, how DARE he go off and do something that seemed to the rest of the world like fun? Complete jerk. It angered me so badly - I hated him for years over it. I also made excuses for him thinking - "Maybe this is how he 'deals' with stress, or pain - but doing something to take his mind off it." But it would always boomerang back to - "How dare he? I'm here - he needs to be here, his son needs him here." </p><p> </p><p>The thing I learned over the years was to let go. The anger and animosity I carried around for my x regarding the treatment of his son was incredible. In therapy however I learned a simple thing that helped me and I hope it helps you in some way. "I can't control how anyone behaves, I can only control to how I react to it and carry it in my heart." </p><p> </p><p>It could be that your son can't deal with what is going on - and I guess for the most part ANYONE would figure he'd be there having a bedside vigil for baby J....not leaving his wife. It could also be that he feels helpless to help baby J and this is how he's dealing with his pain - that is after all his son, I'm sure he wants him to be healthy. Another thought is maybe in some weird way he blames himself for J being sick, and can't cope so he's trying to find something normal for him (playing in the band is normal) and knows that you and his wife will be there for the baby. - Another thought is that maybe his wife needed a break from HIM - after going through the trama of all this. (that would be me - please just go, leave me be - I need space). </p><p> </p><p>You are an incredibly soulful person with so much to give and you have done a phenominal job of raising your son. How he's behaving right now isn't a reflection of you or your parenting. Everyone has something they don't cope with well until they are put to the test. The fact that he isn't there? Doesn't mean he's failed, or doesn't love J, or his wife - It just means he lacks the ability to cope. (I think so anyway). </p><p> </p><p>Just thought I'd throw that out there for consideration of my nephew and what may be happening in his head. I'm sure the stress for everyone there is tremendous. J is fortunate and blessed to have a Mommy AND a Grammy that are so strong and can handle this horrible event and see him through it. You are indeed a rare person. Don't let <u>anything </u>spoil that. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p> </p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 362641, member: 4964"] Pony, I am continuing to keep baby J in my thoughts daily. I just wanted to comment on your difficult child's behavior, and how you feel. I completely get it. Believe me as the new Mother coming home with a baby in her lap - and no one at the hospital to pick us up, never taking his own child to the doctors, and never changing a diaper? I really get the uninvolved Dad bit. I used to make excuses that he couldn't handle it if the baby was sick, and how could he, how DARE he go off and do something that seemed to the rest of the world like fun? Complete jerk. It angered me so badly - I hated him for years over it. I also made excuses for him thinking - "Maybe this is how he 'deals' with stress, or pain - but doing something to take his mind off it." But it would always boomerang back to - "How dare he? I'm here - he needs to be here, his son needs him here." The thing I learned over the years was to let go. The anger and animosity I carried around for my x regarding the treatment of his son was incredible. In therapy however I learned a simple thing that helped me and I hope it helps you in some way. "I can't control how anyone behaves, I can only control to how I react to it and carry it in my heart." It could be that your son can't deal with what is going on - and I guess for the most part ANYONE would figure he'd be there having a bedside vigil for baby J....not leaving his wife. It could also be that he feels helpless to help baby J and this is how he's dealing with his pain - that is after all his son, I'm sure he wants him to be healthy. Another thought is maybe in some weird way he blames himself for J being sick, and can't cope so he's trying to find something normal for him (playing in the band is normal) and knows that you and his wife will be there for the baby. - Another thought is that maybe his wife needed a break from HIM - after going through the trama of all this. (that would be me - please just go, leave me be - I need space). You are an incredibly soulful person with so much to give and you have done a phenominal job of raising your son. How he's behaving right now isn't a reflection of you or your parenting. Everyone has something they don't cope with well until they are put to the test. The fact that he isn't there? Doesn't mean he's failed, or doesn't love J, or his wife - It just means he lacks the ability to cope. (I think so anyway). Just thought I'd throw that out there for consideration of my nephew and what may be happening in his head. I'm sure the stress for everyone there is tremendous. J is fortunate and blessed to have a Mommy AND a Grammy that are so strong and can handle this horrible event and see him through it. You are indeed a rare person. Don't let [U]anything [/U]spoil that. :winking: Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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