Daughter is messaging me - Ignore?

DaisyC1234

Member
Is it wrong for me to just ignore her? I know she wants something from me because she wouldn't message me otherwise. I know she wants something because the message starts off with "Are you busy today". I have the worst anxiety every time I get a message from her. I have all these horrible feelings I know a mom shouldn't have like, I wish she would just go away.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I would answer with a statement. "I'm not sure." Then she will spill it and if it's what you expect you can say "I have to check with xxxx to see when we are meeting." Then you can get back or not. Or else just don't answer at all but it sounds like you would feel guilty if you didn't.

You are probably 95 per cent right about why she contacted you. We know our kids.

Hugs and prayers.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
You can absolutely not answer her if you don't want to. Tell her you were in another room when the call came in and you didn't hear it. Or tell her it was a bad time for you. I agree that you are probably right about her wanting something. You absolutely have every right to say no to her request/demand/need.

I have a difficult brother and I stopped taking his calls a few months ago. He finally stepped so far over the line that I am done with him. I won't ever be rude or uncivil if I see him at my parents (or in a store), but I am done with him.
 

MissLulu

Active Member
DaisyC, I understand what this feels like. I think you shouldn't feel guilty if you choose to ignore the call. Our kids need to understand there are consequences for their behaviours. The consequence of only contacting a parent when they want something might be that the parent chooses not to respond to calls. I personally find it hard to ignore my son, but a lot of the time I would like to!
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
No. I think ignoring is the way to go. You have no reason to cater to her because it won't help her or you.

I'm sorry for your dilemma!
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
I don't think you're obligated to answer. Do what makes you feel okay, either way. Do what protects you from the trauma of their drama (rhyme not intentional!)
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I agree with the others, ignoring her (or blocking her, even) is the way to go. As somebody who was like this, I think by keeping open to and engaged with our children who are misusing us, is poor parenting. Why? Because we allow them to repeatedly play out negative, self-harming, aggressive, manipulative behaviors with us, and through us. We wouldn't have tolerated this when they were children. Why now?

I might even go a step further, and block her or not even read the texts. Think about it. 99.9 of texts are unecessary. They're for the convenience of somebody else. They intrude in our space without our consent. With a phone at least we have the option to answer or not. With a text there it is. If you'e ambivalent, and feel that this engagement with her is hurtful I might think about blocking her. If it's important she will find you by phone or through another relative. If she calls and questions you, you can tell her the truth in a kind way, such as saying, I am trying to wind down with technology use, so I am not reading or responding to almost all texts.

My overriding and underlying point is this: You have an absolute right to control your space, even virtual space, and you have an absolute obligation to think about rules and an environment and quality of life that is safe and serene FOR YOU according to your needs and wants. And you can impose this, just because YOU want to.

You don't have to justify yourself to her. You're the mother. You can come from whatever point of view you choose. If she harangues you or is unpleasant or demanding it is your absolute right and even obligation to take steps to insulate yourself, and if she crosses that boundary you have an absolute right to take it further. That's what I think.

Moreover, I am learning that many (or most) times I interact with my son as if I am the child, which is to say I don't start out thinking about my needs, my boundaries, my responsibilities. I look to him to do the right thing, from the position of a responsible adult, even though I have no experience of his doing so, and more than this, I NOT HIM AM THE RESPONSIBLE ADULT, the parent. This is insane on my part. I need to be the adult before, during and after the call which is to say, awareness of my motivations, clear about my intention, conscious about my boundaries, and clear about how I can conttrol and protect my space. I can't expect him to act in any kind of responsible way, bebecause that cedes control over my life.

I am seeing I can tolerate way more from my son, even selfishness and manipulation, or his crazy political views, if I stay anchored within my adult self, and don't expect him to act in a way that will please me, make me feel safe or gratified or any other thing. I think this has been 80 percent of the trouble we've had. That I abdicate being an adult.

I abdicate being the person who sets boundaries, and I abdicate being the person who takes responsibility for my own emotional needs to be met and protected. I abdicate responsibility to maintain safety. The result has been that communications with my son are a minefield to me.

I have set myself up. My son is just being himself.
 
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JMom

Well-Known Member
Daisy,
I am sorry that you are feeling anxious. Our children can really get us tied up in knots. Ignoring calls or having a standard reply sounds like a kind thing to do for yourself. My standard response was "I am busy with my responsibilities but I have faith that you will figure this out-you are smart" (or resourceful or something along those lines). When I first started ignoring calls, it drove me bananas, so I sent a list of local resources (food, shelter, clothing, job sites) and reminded him that I have shared any information I have that would "help" him.

I'm not sure if I shared this with you but I took a pretty significant break from my son. He was oversharing and stressing me out. I called him and just said that I felt too tangled up in his life and needed a break. I told him I would reach out soon after I cleared my head and that I loved him. I think it was about 2 weeks. He was unexpectedly kind and I blocked him from my phone and social media. I think that is when I really started making progress with practicing self-care. I hope this helps. Please let us know how it is going!
Love,
JMOM
 
Dont Lie about being away or making other excuses. That will only take you down the same path your daugther is on. Be truthful to yourself and her. Take a moment and find out what you truly feel like. If you dont want to answer, then dont. It’s 100% your choice and you have the right to it. Every boundary you set has to be authentic and honest. Otherwise she will overstep it time and again.
My son would ask me the same and I would ask back; why do you want to know? Or even say: well, that depends on why you ask? I do this with work as well and it’s perfectly fine.
I am trying to go like Copacabana; as few texts as possible and if any contact, a phone call. That way I can cauge his state and decide from there. The consequense is almost no contact, but it’s my decision.
 
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