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Dealing with resentment?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 370028" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I think Witz is right. If nothing else, cancel the vacation plans. Take the $$ for vacation and take the boys somewhere. Tell husband that if he wants difficult child to live with him so badly that he cannot enforce rules designed to <strong>protect the other children from difficult child and her dangerous behaviors</strong> then he can stay home with her. Try not to be angry with him. Make it clear that this is the consequence of his choices. He clearly thinks that enabling difficult child is more important that sending a clear message to the other kids that you will NOT support drug use, illegal and/or dangerous behaviors, or disrespect. Make sure that everything you treasure is either taken with you or locked up. I recommend getting a storage unit off site - one that is gated with video surveillance (around here they are the norm and are quite inexpensive with small units being $15-$25 per month). Just before you leave put whatever you treasure into storage. Let husband know that you are not moving out but you do not want to take any chances that difficult child will be unsupervised in the home and will trash your stuff. If possible make sure that at least one noticeable piece of furniture goes into the storage unit. It will drive the point home that you do not trust difficult child or trust husband to stick to the rules he agreed to.</p><p> </p><p>I am quite sure your difficult child has been feeding her daddy a tale of woe about how awful you are and what terrible things will be done to her if she is kicked out. It is pretty classic difficult child manipulation. If he was the one enforcing the rules she would be selling you that lakefront property in Death Valley. </p><p> </p><p>WOuld husband go to al anon or a counsellor if you made it a deal breaker? Go to this with me and participate or X will happen to our relationship kind of thing? Do NOT make the consequence something you won't do. Maybe tell him you will move into another room or will make sure his most hated foods are prepared every night or his underwear are starched with the heaviest stiffest starch you can find or you will get rid of the tv?? Something that will make a big difference in his life and comfort the way difficult child makes a big difference in your life and comfort. </p><p> </p><p>This is going to take a big toll on your health and the physical and emotional health of your children. Please make sure that the pcs are seeing a therapist on a regular basis. They need a safe place to vent and to talk things out, as well as resources to help them realize that difficult child is NOT doing things they should be doing - regardless of how fun or free or great her life may look. Of course you need to be seeing a therapist also. It may be very helpful to take your teen son to alateen meetings - difficult child's behavior is likely to be causing a LOT of problems for him, esp if she is now to be allowed in the house when you and husband are not home. She is very likely to try to talk him into at least "trying" drugs and/or alcohol. If she can get one of the other kids to use drugs even one time she will be able to blackmail him into doing all kinds of things for her. If difficult child thinks Bean 2 is judgmental of her drug/alcohol use she may even try to slip something into his food or drink or to force him to use drugs. It is a way to manipulate him and to try to hurt you at the same time by "corrupting" your "good" child.</p><p> </p><p>{{{{{hugs}}}}}</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 370028, member: 1233"] I think Witz is right. If nothing else, cancel the vacation plans. Take the $$ for vacation and take the boys somewhere. Tell husband that if he wants difficult child to live with him so badly that he cannot enforce rules designed to [B]protect the other children from difficult child and her dangerous behaviors[/B] then he can stay home with her. Try not to be angry with him. Make it clear that this is the consequence of his choices. He clearly thinks that enabling difficult child is more important that sending a clear message to the other kids that you will NOT support drug use, illegal and/or dangerous behaviors, or disrespect. Make sure that everything you treasure is either taken with you or locked up. I recommend getting a storage unit off site - one that is gated with video surveillance (around here they are the norm and are quite inexpensive with small units being $15-$25 per month). Just before you leave put whatever you treasure into storage. Let husband know that you are not moving out but you do not want to take any chances that difficult child will be unsupervised in the home and will trash your stuff. If possible make sure that at least one noticeable piece of furniture goes into the storage unit. It will drive the point home that you do not trust difficult child or trust husband to stick to the rules he agreed to. I am quite sure your difficult child has been feeding her daddy a tale of woe about how awful you are and what terrible things will be done to her if she is kicked out. It is pretty classic difficult child manipulation. If he was the one enforcing the rules she would be selling you that lakefront property in Death Valley. WOuld husband go to al anon or a counsellor if you made it a deal breaker? Go to this with me and participate or X will happen to our relationship kind of thing? Do NOT make the consequence something you won't do. Maybe tell him you will move into another room or will make sure his most hated foods are prepared every night or his underwear are starched with the heaviest stiffest starch you can find or you will get rid of the tv?? Something that will make a big difference in his life and comfort the way difficult child makes a big difference in your life and comfort. This is going to take a big toll on your health and the physical and emotional health of your children. Please make sure that the pcs are seeing a therapist on a regular basis. They need a safe place to vent and to talk things out, as well as resources to help them realize that difficult child is NOT doing things they should be doing - regardless of how fun or free or great her life may look. Of course you need to be seeing a therapist also. It may be very helpful to take your teen son to alateen meetings - difficult child's behavior is likely to be causing a LOT of problems for him, esp if she is now to be allowed in the house when you and husband are not home. She is very likely to try to talk him into at least "trying" drugs and/or alcohol. If she can get one of the other kids to use drugs even one time she will be able to blackmail him into doing all kinds of things for her. If difficult child thinks Bean 2 is judgmental of her drug/alcohol use she may even try to slip something into his food or drink or to force him to use drugs. It is a way to manipulate him and to try to hurt you at the same time by "corrupting" your "good" child. {{{{{hugs}}}}} [/QUOTE]
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