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Dealing with resentment?
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 370188"><p>At the first therapy appointment my husband and i went to the therapist asked my husband about his work and what he spent his mind thinking about. He talked about problems he is trying to solve at work etc. She asked him how much time he spent thinking about our son and trying to solve that problem. He did think about it but it was not the majority of his mental space. She pointed out to him that it was the majority of my mental space. Which at the time was true.... I thought about him all the time and kept trying to come up with strategies... this historically was true... and I was the one coming up with ideas and solutions throughout his 18 years. We also talked about how I was always the bad guy because i enforced the rules and how the majority of my sons anger was directed at me. I think she made her point with my husband. Several times I would wonder what i would do if husband broke some major consequence we had agreed on, like for example my son not driving our car due to our concern about what he was using the car for. I would imagine coming home and finding out that my husband had "forgotten" that agreement. It had happened so many times before just not on anything huge.... so in my fantasy I decided that if that happened I would tell husband that I was leaving for a little while and he could figure out what to do with difficult child. I could not do it alone anymore.</p><p></p><p>Lucky for both of us my husband got on the same page so that this never happened. I wonder though if you are at a place where you need to sit husband down and say I spend a lot more of my mental energy on this and I can no longer do it alone. I need help or I am going to completely lose it. I can't live like this any more so make your choice. Of course it will only work if you truly mean it.</p><p></p><p>What has happened more recently with husband and i is that major decisions we make regarding difficult child he tells him..... so that it is really clear it is coming from him too and I am not automatically the bad guy.. Interesting that in my sons eye it is still me he is angry at. That recent facebook message was directed at me not his dad.... even though his dad is the one who told him he wasn't coming on the trip. i think my son knows that if it wasn't for me he would still be sliding by and living at home. He may know my husband agrees with me BUT I think he also feels if it was just husband he would get away with it.... which is probably true.</p><p></p><p>Sounds like it is time to sit down with husband and say look this is tearing us apart. We need to get together on this. What is the best way for US to get on the same page. Be willing to give a little to and to listen to his concerns and fears. He probably has all the same fears you do but has not done as much processing of them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 370188"] At the first therapy appointment my husband and i went to the therapist asked my husband about his work and what he spent his mind thinking about. He talked about problems he is trying to solve at work etc. She asked him how much time he spent thinking about our son and trying to solve that problem. He did think about it but it was not the majority of his mental space. She pointed out to him that it was the majority of my mental space. Which at the time was true.... I thought about him all the time and kept trying to come up with strategies... this historically was true... and I was the one coming up with ideas and solutions throughout his 18 years. We also talked about how I was always the bad guy because i enforced the rules and how the majority of my sons anger was directed at me. I think she made her point with my husband. Several times I would wonder what i would do if husband broke some major consequence we had agreed on, like for example my son not driving our car due to our concern about what he was using the car for. I would imagine coming home and finding out that my husband had "forgotten" that agreement. It had happened so many times before just not on anything huge.... so in my fantasy I decided that if that happened I would tell husband that I was leaving for a little while and he could figure out what to do with difficult child. I could not do it alone anymore. Lucky for both of us my husband got on the same page so that this never happened. I wonder though if you are at a place where you need to sit husband down and say I spend a lot more of my mental energy on this and I can no longer do it alone. I need help or I am going to completely lose it. I can't live like this any more so make your choice. Of course it will only work if you truly mean it. What has happened more recently with husband and i is that major decisions we make regarding difficult child he tells him..... so that it is really clear it is coming from him too and I am not automatically the bad guy.. Interesting that in my sons eye it is still me he is angry at. That recent facebook message was directed at me not his dad.... even though his dad is the one who told him he wasn't coming on the trip. i think my son knows that if it wasn't for me he would still be sliding by and living at home. He may know my husband agrees with me BUT I think he also feels if it was just husband he would get away with it.... which is probably true. Sounds like it is time to sit down with husband and say look this is tearing us apart. We need to get together on this. What is the best way for US to get on the same page. Be willing to give a little to and to listen to his concerns and fears. He probably has all the same fears you do but has not done as much processing of them. [/QUOTE]
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