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Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to me. It has been a busy few days. We removed the bikes from our house on Saturday and locked up the ladder in the garage.


I met with the neuropsychologist yesterday, who I think I mentioned is the biggest and most well respected name around here.


ACADEMIC

IQ test--solid middle average of broad general thinking

visual spacial reading--low average

visual tracking--below average

Above average comprehension of social rules and norms; aware of what's going on around him.

Weakness in organization/executive function. Doesn't organize by category.

Impaired range for copying geometric shapes

No ADHD or impulsivity problems

Fatigues with lengthy visual demands

Couldn't pick out flipped letters--one of the four hallmarks of dyslexia. He performs in average for the other three hallmarks (phonological processing, memory demand, automatic process)

Can read regular words at a 6th grade level

Can read sight words at a 9th grade level

Reads nonsense words below a 5th grade level

Makes many transposition errors

Low average range for fluency

Low average range for comprehension. He is a labored reader. Decoding is so hard that he struggles with comprehension.

Upper end of average for math


PSYCHOLOGICAL

Three tests:

1. Black and white pictures of families. Very inappropriate and immature responses, antisocial, aggressive and provocative responses. Physical violence, kids get in trouble.

2. Inkblot projective testing--what do you see, where do you see it, how do you see it. These conclusions are data driven from the this test--the evaluator plugs in his types of responses and it pulls up a profile of other kids with the same types of responses. Social skills problem. Interested in having relationships with others, but not able to engage in age-appropriate relationships. (Extra frustrating for him because as seen above, he does have above average comprehension of social rules and norms). Social ineptness, immature behavior, bad cycle. No coping strategy for stress. He is neither logical nor emotional in his problem solving. No plan for how to approach problem situations. So he avoids to make the stress go away for the moment.

3. MMPI (standardized test for adolescents). Questions about attitudes and beliefs. Answers indicate underlying strong insecurity and unhappiness about himself. No inner confidence or drive. Vulnerable and sensitive. Easily triggered and set off, primarily with the family. Defiant behavior--pushes back. Big, provocative behaviors in response to pressure. Yet affable, charming, and funny superficially.


Conclusions:

1. He is fundamentally insecure with low self-esteem

2. He has social skills difficulty. No ability to apply social skills, so attracted to the fringe who are receptive to his "at risk" behaviors.

3. Coping. No adequate strategy so escapes or defiant.

4. Underlying depressive symptoms (irritability, lack of confidence)


So he did not get a diagnosis of CD, ADHD, or even ODD. The neuropsychologist thinks he needs more therapeutic interventions than he is getting. He thinks a therapeutic wilderness program followed by either a therapeutic boarding school or more intensive therapeutic interventions at home would be appropriate. The success of the interventions will hinge on R's ability to connect with the provider, the provider's training and skill set, and the intensity of attending.


SO--yesterday we decided to move forward with the therapeutic wilderness program. The educational consultant is going to send the names of programs/therapists that match R's needs and have availability. Then we will check them out online, talk to program directors, and call references. Target date is June 1. While he is there, we will need to work on ourselves to be able to parent him more effectively. I wish I had been less confrontational in the past and more able to listen and "mirror" his emotions and let him express himself as a way of coping. I wish my husband wasn't so quick to try to fix uncomfortable situations for him or comfort him with possessions or fun activities. But at the end of the day, I can't change the past, I can only try to put him in a different setting where his psychological needs will be addressed.


Meanwhile, last night I got up around 11 to adjust the thermostat and discovered R with another iphone (no SIM card but he uses neighbor's wifi) and new snapchat and instagram accounts. I can't get in but I don't suppose it matters--I pretty much know he's doing what he was doing previously. I awoke this morning to a nasty note from him calling me a fag (which when I texted his therapist, got autocorrected to "fat," an insult I felt much more keenly); that he and his sister both like my husband more; that I have made both of my kids depressed; and that I should just go die. I just don't see how this situation is tenable as is. He will not change in this same environment. That is very clear to me.


I am grateful that my husband is on the same page as me and that we have the resources to send him. Thanks for listening.


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