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depression is back
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 741574" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Trying</p><p></p><p>I know how hard this is. I am dealing with something similar. I went back and I read your first thread. It sounds like your son has made progress. Being sober is a huge deal. These things do not turn on a dime. If I think about my own life there were no quick fixes for deep pain.</p><p></p><p>Your son like many of us made his well-being contingent on the actions of another person--and when she left him, he had few resources to restore and maintain it. That is very similar to many of the mothers who come here about their difficult children, myself included. I made my ability to protect my son and to help him thrive central to my own sense of self. I do not think I am the only one.</p><p></p><p>I see now that this is a huge part of the problem for me, and for him too.</p><p></p><p>Your son is ahead of me in life in that he is confronting this sooner rather than later.</p><p></p><p>No other person can or should be the reason that we live. He is learning that. And no other person can take away the pain of a loved one...or should. I wish there was somebody who could take away my own pain. But I recognize that that person is me. There are no shortcuts.</p><p></p><p>By entering the program and achieving sobriety, he took a big step. That must be scary to him. One thing you might ask yourself is why he inflicts upon you this blow by blow account of his suffering. As I understand it he is not in your area. Are you sure he is back to cutting himself? What role would it play for him to tell you about this self-destructive behavior?</p><p></p><p>I do not know what you can do if he chooses to discontinue the program. TL, another poster here, has a son who has made multiple attempts to become sober, and she has found a way to keep herself not only sane but thriving, despite her son's relapses. Her son, like your own, keeps trying, despite depression. </p><p></p><p>The thing is this: how do we as their mothers survive this, a process over which we have not one iota of control? It only gets harder for me, but I think that is because I am setting boundaries that I have not set before. There must be some kind of unconscious calculus in me, that if I suffer with him that I can somehow protect him. And by withdrawing or setting a boundary I have upset the apple cart. I am hopeful that I can learn to be self-contained and at the same time connected. It is a learning process. And a living process.</p><p></p><p>Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 741574, member: 18958"] Hi Trying I know how hard this is. I am dealing with something similar. I went back and I read your first thread. It sounds like your son has made progress. Being sober is a huge deal. These things do not turn on a dime. If I think about my own life there were no quick fixes for deep pain. Your son like many of us made his well-being contingent on the actions of another person--and when she left him, he had few resources to restore and maintain it. That is very similar to many of the mothers who come here about their difficult children, myself included. I made my ability to protect my son and to help him thrive central to my own sense of self. I do not think I am the only one. I see now that this is a huge part of the problem for me, and for him too. Your son is ahead of me in life in that he is confronting this sooner rather than later. No other person can or should be the reason that we live. He is learning that. And no other person can take away the pain of a loved one...or should. I wish there was somebody who could take away my own pain. But I recognize that that person is me. There are no shortcuts. By entering the program and achieving sobriety, he took a big step. That must be scary to him. One thing you might ask yourself is why he inflicts upon you this blow by blow account of his suffering. As I understand it he is not in your area. Are you sure he is back to cutting himself? What role would it play for him to tell you about this self-destructive behavior? I do not know what you can do if he chooses to discontinue the program. TL, another poster here, has a son who has made multiple attempts to become sober, and she has found a way to keep herself not only sane but thriving, despite her son's relapses. Her son, like your own, keeps trying, despite depression. The thing is this: how do we as their mothers survive this, a process over which we have not one iota of control? It only gets harder for me, but I think that is because I am setting boundaries that I have not set before. There must be some kind of unconscious calculus in me, that if I suffer with him that I can somehow protect him. And by withdrawing or setting a boundary I have upset the apple cart. I am hopeful that I can learn to be self-contained and at the same time connected. It is a learning process. And a living process. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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