OK, so, I have to confess, I have been hanging out with stupid neighbor that told me he was only attracted to women who look hot in bikinis. I know, right. What is my problem? I just seem to want to continue the agony of all of my past relationships. I don't get it. He continues to want to hang out with me, and "be friends". We will have nights where he will kiss me, or even want more, and then the next time we are together he makes it a point to be distant and removed. He then will say something like "you know we don't have chemistry" - we are just friends. This has happened repeatedly over the last 6 months, and I just keep going back for more. Like a trained rat. My last marriage my ex told me at least twice a week that I was fat and no longer attractive. (I had gone from a size 8 to a 12.) I internalized that so deeply, it still resonates in my soul. When stupid neighbor tells me he is not attracted to me, all of that pain comes searing back, and I want to kill stupid neighbor. Instead I usually leave, in an immature huff, and then I want to "be friends" again 2 days later. Of course my first husband physically and emotionally abused me, and my dad sexually abused me - so it's not like this is a new feeling for me. That feeling of always wanting to be better, to please the man, to make them somehow love me, against all odds. I get the feeling - I just don't know how to not keep going back into these situations. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I have to stop putting myself into these situations and being their victim. I have to protect myself. Yet I somehow believe that maybe R could someday love with me. He tells me all of these complimentary things about my personality, and how he loves being with me, and how I am his best friend. Yada, yada. Then, like I said, there are nights where we are physically close. Then there are many more where the opposite it true. It is like some game I am trying to play out, and I am not sure even why. Insight? Maybe the reality is, is he just is not attracted to me. Period. And I need to stop wishing, and start dealing with reality.