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Substance Abuse
Desperately need help...
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 383169" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Hi FV13 and welcome. Glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>I don't have firsthand experience with- a defiant 17 year-old living under my roof (yet??) - my difficult child was in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) by that time. Just a disclaimer. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p></p><p>I probably have more questions that suggestions. How did your son get to the college? Do you know his friends' parents? How is he paying for his pot? Did your friends press charges for breaking/entering? Does your community have a curfew and/or a juvenile officer in the police department? Are you and your ex on the same page, and does he have any ideas? What are your son's goals? Is he planning on graduating from HS; if so, how? Is he planning on going to college? Have you had him screened for other drugs? </p><p></p><p>My first suggestion would be if he has access to a car, take the keys. The last thing you need is a stoned kid behind the wheel. Cell phone? Turn it off. You are required to provide food, shelter, clothes, and medical care - period. Let him know that if he commits a crime (theft, breaking curfew if your town has one, drugs, etc.), police reports will be filed. Any more AWOLs will result in a missing persons report because you are his parents and you are responsible for him. </p><p></p><p>This can be a really difficult age. They think they know everything and have it all under control. We cannot force treatment on them if they don't want it - even if you could get him to the therapist's office, if he's resistant it would probably be a waste of time. on the other hand - a therapist might help you to come up with a plan? I'm <u>not</u> saying you need therapy, LOL, just that sometimes it really does help to have an objective observer involved, you know?</p><p></p><p>I'd say stop grounding him. It's obviously ineffective and meaningless to him, and I think actually undermines you as his parent since he knows you can't enforce it. Time to get a bit more creative. Perhaps going on strike (no making meals, no laundry services, no chauffeur services)? No spending money (with all of your valuables/cash locked up)? No internet service? I would expect his behavior to get worse before it gets better if you're able to come up with- consequences that have meaning to him. He's going to fight it. And whatever consequences you (and hopefully ex) come up with, it is absolutely essential that you be consistent and follow through.</p><p></p><p>With all my kids, including difficult child, I've adopted a do-to-get policy. Their "job" at 17 was/is to be in school, get good grades, obey our very simple house rules. They do that, they get the good stuff we can provide. They don't, they can do without the good stuff. It's *their* choice, not mine. It's definitely not one of the joys of parenthood when we have to apply intense pressure to get our kids to think about the choices they're making, but in my humble opinion it's in our job description. </p><p></p><p>One other thing, based on life with- my difficult child - as much as possible, I'd ignore the attitude and snarky comments from him. It's a matter of priorities. In a perfect world, our kids would be polite and respectful, but you've got more serious issues at hand. If you can get him to stay home at night, bring the grades up, go to therapy, (insert your priority for him), then that is more important *today* than whether or not he's being nasty and vile (as long as there's no physical violence). I've been called every name in the book (and I few that I don't think are in there) - but if my difficult child was doing what he was supposed to be doing, what's a little background noise? <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> Once you get the behaviors that are a priority to you under better control, then you can start addressing his attitude, etc. Baby steps. You cannot realistically work on everything at one time - you'll completely burn out. Pick 1 or 2 things, work on that, reward him whenever you can, and when those things are better, move on to the next 1 or 2 things.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, just my inexperienced thoughts. I'm sure that more seasoned parents will be along with- suggestions. </p><p></p><p>Again - welcome and I'm glad you found us!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 383169, member: 8"] Hi FV13 and welcome. Glad you found us. I don't have firsthand experience with- a defiant 17 year-old living under my roof (yet??) - my difficult child was in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) by that time. Just a disclaimer. :winking: I probably have more questions that suggestions. How did your son get to the college? Do you know his friends' parents? How is he paying for his pot? Did your friends press charges for breaking/entering? Does your community have a curfew and/or a juvenile officer in the police department? Are you and your ex on the same page, and does he have any ideas? What are your son's goals? Is he planning on graduating from HS; if so, how? Is he planning on going to college? Have you had him screened for other drugs? My first suggestion would be if he has access to a car, take the keys. The last thing you need is a stoned kid behind the wheel. Cell phone? Turn it off. You are required to provide food, shelter, clothes, and medical care - period. Let him know that if he commits a crime (theft, breaking curfew if your town has one, drugs, etc.), police reports will be filed. Any more AWOLs will result in a missing persons report because you are his parents and you are responsible for him. This can be a really difficult age. They think they know everything and have it all under control. We cannot force treatment on them if they don't want it - even if you could get him to the therapist's office, if he's resistant it would probably be a waste of time. on the other hand - a therapist might help you to come up with a plan? I'm [U]not[/U] saying you need therapy, LOL, just that sometimes it really does help to have an objective observer involved, you know? I'd say stop grounding him. It's obviously ineffective and meaningless to him, and I think actually undermines you as his parent since he knows you can't enforce it. Time to get a bit more creative. Perhaps going on strike (no making meals, no laundry services, no chauffeur services)? No spending money (with all of your valuables/cash locked up)? No internet service? I would expect his behavior to get worse before it gets better if you're able to come up with- consequences that have meaning to him. He's going to fight it. And whatever consequences you (and hopefully ex) come up with, it is absolutely essential that you be consistent and follow through. With all my kids, including difficult child, I've adopted a do-to-get policy. Their "job" at 17 was/is to be in school, get good grades, obey our very simple house rules. They do that, they get the good stuff we can provide. They don't, they can do without the good stuff. It's *their* choice, not mine. It's definitely not one of the joys of parenthood when we have to apply intense pressure to get our kids to think about the choices they're making, but in my humble opinion it's in our job description. One other thing, based on life with- my difficult child - as much as possible, I'd ignore the attitude and snarky comments from him. It's a matter of priorities. In a perfect world, our kids would be polite and respectful, but you've got more serious issues at hand. If you can get him to stay home at night, bring the grades up, go to therapy, (insert your priority for him), then that is more important *today* than whether or not he's being nasty and vile (as long as there's no physical violence). I've been called every name in the book (and I few that I don't think are in there) - but if my difficult child was doing what he was supposed to be doing, what's a little background noise? :winking: Once you get the behaviors that are a priority to you under better control, then you can start addressing his attitude, etc. Baby steps. You cannot realistically work on everything at one time - you'll completely burn out. Pick 1 or 2 things, work on that, reward him whenever you can, and when those things are better, move on to the next 1 or 2 things. Anyway, just my inexperienced thoughts. I'm sure that more seasoned parents will be along with- suggestions. Again - welcome and I'm glad you found us! [/QUOTE]
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