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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 712915" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Dearest Heavyhearted,</p><p>I am so sorry for your heartache and feeling so alone. You have definitely found a place here at CD to rest your weary mind and soul, to reap the experience and wisdom of others on similar journeys, some further down the pathway.You have already received some awesome advice.</p><p>I can relate to your story in that I have five children as well and hoped and dreamed for all of them to find their true potential. When my two began to go down roads that deviated from what was taught, we tried desperately to help them. They didn't want help.</p><p>They wanted to do what they wanted to do. Despite what harm it caused themselves, and any of us. Plain and simple.</p><p>Our "helping" turned into them <em><strong>taking advantage of us at every chance</strong></em>.</p><p>I began to see that after years of chaos and drama. The last straw was after a crazed morning, I found my then 14 year old son on my bed in a fetal position sobbing.</p><p>I was so focused on trying to "help" my adult daughter and grandchildren that I didn't see the turmoil it was causing him. I vowed never to go down that road again.</p><p>That's when I found CD and began to pour my heart out.</p><p>Looking back, my son was raised watching his sisters come and go, each time they lived with us was fraught with drama and tumult. It was exhausting and heart wrenching.</p><p>Whether it be narcissism, drug use, mental health issues or a combination, when people show you who they are, <em>believe them. </em></p><p>What my two have shown me is that they will use family ties to walk all over us. They relied on all those feelings you are describing that you are going through, mother love, hopes and dreams, expectations, sorrow and grief. They used those feelings over and again and tread on our hearts every. single.time. It is so hard to go through this, but so <em>not impossible to wake up one day at a time and take small steps towards change.</em></p><p> I don't mean <em>changing them, </em>Lord knows I tried for so many years to get them to recognize destructive ways and see their potential<em>. </em></p><p>That was a huge waste of time and energy.</p><p>They will change if and when they want to.</p><p>Small steps towards change meant changing my focus and realizing I did the best job I could raising them (yes, mistakes and all) and they were adults making their own choices. I kept trying to rescue them, and what <em><strong>mother wouldn't throw herself into a whirlpool to save her drowning child? </strong></em></p><p>Well that had to change as well.</p><p> I began to see that they expected me to stay "in the game" with them,and I had mistakenly thought that was love.</p><p>Sometimes love has to stand up and shout No! No, I will not go down this path again. No, I will not sacrifice the peace of my home.</p><p>Then I started to think "What if the best thing I could do for them was to step back and say, I love you, but you have got to get it together and that just doesn't happen when you are at home?"</p><p>I thought of my Mom and Dad, who would never, ever allow any of us to treat them in such ways.</p><p> I began to build a toolbox to help me change my way of dealing with my two, even change my way of <em>feeling. </em>Not that I don't love them, it all got so darn overwhelming that I had to give it to a higher power.</p><p>I will leave you with this thought.</p><p>The best thing a mother can do for her children is to show them <em>by word and deed </em>how to take care of <em>themselves</em>, by taking care of <em>herself</em>.</p><p>I am not writing about being selfish. I am writing about taking time to rest, replenish, nurture your self so that you can flourish to <em>your full potential.</em></p><p>You are a soldier who has been on the frontlines with your two for a very long time. Soldiers have R and R from the battlefield.</p><p>Try to find some time for yourself, a hobby, a class, go for walks.</p><p>We are not able to change the ways of our beloved D C's, but we can change our way of dealing with the situation.</p><p>Peace be with you.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 712915, member: 19522"] Dearest Heavyhearted, I am so sorry for your heartache and feeling so alone. You have definitely found a place here at CD to rest your weary mind and soul, to reap the experience and wisdom of others on similar journeys, some further down the pathway.You have already received some awesome advice. I can relate to your story in that I have five children as well and hoped and dreamed for all of them to find their true potential. When my two began to go down roads that deviated from what was taught, we tried desperately to help them. They didn't want help. They wanted to do what they wanted to do. Despite what harm it caused themselves, and any of us. Plain and simple. Our "helping" turned into them [I][B]taking advantage of us at every chance[/B][/I]. I began to see that after years of chaos and drama. The last straw was after a crazed morning, I found my then 14 year old son on my bed in a fetal position sobbing. I was so focused on trying to "help" my adult daughter and grandchildren that I didn't see the turmoil it was causing him. I vowed never to go down that road again. That's when I found CD and began to pour my heart out. Looking back, my son was raised watching his sisters come and go, each time they lived with us was fraught with drama and tumult. It was exhausting and heart wrenching. Whether it be narcissism, drug use, mental health issues or a combination, when people show you who they are, [I]believe them. [/I] What my two have shown me is that they will use family ties to walk all over us. They relied on all those feelings you are describing that you are going through, mother love, hopes and dreams, expectations, sorrow and grief. They used those feelings over and again and tread on our hearts every. single.time. It is so hard to go through this, but so [I]not impossible to wake up one day at a time and take small steps towards change.[/I] I don't mean [I]changing them, [/I]Lord knows I tried for so many years to get them to recognize destructive ways and see their potential[I]. [/I] That was a huge waste of time and energy. They will change if and when they want to. Small steps towards change meant changing my focus and realizing I did the best job I could raising them (yes, mistakes and all) and they were adults making their own choices. I kept trying to rescue them, and what [I][B]mother wouldn't throw herself into a whirlpool to save her drowning child? [/B][/I] Well that had to change as well. I began to see that they expected me to stay "in the game" with them,and I had mistakenly thought that was love. Sometimes love has to stand up and shout No! No, I will not go down this path again. No, I will not sacrifice the peace of my home. Then I started to think "What if the best thing I could do for them was to step back and say, I love you, but you have got to get it together and that just doesn't happen when you are at home?" I thought of my Mom and Dad, who would never, ever allow any of us to treat them in such ways. I began to build a toolbox to help me change my way of dealing with my two, even change my way of [I]feeling. [/I]Not that I don't love them, it all got so darn overwhelming that I had to give it to a higher power. I will leave you with this thought. The best thing a mother can do for her children is to show them [I]by word and deed [/I]how to take care of [I]themselves[/I], by taking care of [I]herself[/I]. I am not writing about being selfish. I am writing about taking time to rest, replenish, nurture your self so that you can flourish to [I]your full potential.[/I] You are a soldier who has been on the frontlines with your two for a very long time. Soldiers have R and R from the battlefield. Try to find some time for yourself, a hobby, a class, go for walks. We are not able to change the ways of our beloved D C's, but we can change our way of dealing with the situation. Peace be with you. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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