Desperately seeking support

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Heavyhearted, May 29, 2017.

  1. Heavyhearted

    Heavyhearted New Member

    I've been navigating this site for the last week trying to find some place to help me feel less alone. I have five children ages 12, 14, 17, 18 and 22. I have a 22 yr old daughter and 18 yr old son that both use pot to self medicate and completely disregard our house rules and now informed us during family therapy that they are leaving to China for 2 months and moving out. They planned this all out on their own. The both have a history of poor decision making. I am worried and sad... feeling rejected... my other children are upset about their sibling drug use, disregard for house rules and it hurts them to see me so upset. I can't understand how this happened. I'm heart broken
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Who is paying for the trip? I wouldnt contribute a penny.

    At the same time your pot smoking 22 year old is way old enough to be on her own. Its not a rejection. Its normal. All my beloved kids were out by 22. It is called adult independence...unless they expect you to fund it, but you have every right to refuse that. And you should refuse. My adult kids all funded their own lives. And it helped the good work ethic they have today.

    Since 22 and 18 wont follow your rules it may be best if they left. You have younger kids who dont need to see their blatent disrespect and you dont deserve it.The therapy didnt work. Hey.. you tried (shrug). You need in my opinion to provide the others with a safe home where you are strong and healthy. They need to live without those two and their negative drama. And on another note, once 18 they dont need to talk to you about their decisions. We often learn from decisions, good and bad. Let them learn...let them face consequences. On their own.

    This stuff happens mostly due to peers. Dont feel guilty. Yoy did not cause it. We give us too much credit. The world is big. We diminish in importance when our kids become teens. Peers rule. We did not cause their choices.

    I dont allow any smoking of any type under my roof as I hate the smell and possible damage to others. If my adult kids wanted to smoke pot...lets face it, people do and not all are homeless drug addicts. But you dont have to allow it under your roof. Your home/your rules/your sanctuary. I would not let them come back, especially 22. She is able bodied. She can work. She is certainly capable of living elsewhere.

    My 23 year old autistic son is in his own apartment with two part time jobs and a small amount of social security, paying his own rent and bills. Nothing from us. If he can do it, your kids can. They may not want to but life is not a cakewalk for anyone.

    Wishing you love and light and hoping you can stand strong.
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    Last edited: May 29, 2017
  3. Heavyhearted

    Heavyhearted New Member

    Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. This story I wrote about is just one chapter of what has been a wild five years. My 22 year old has not sustained a job for more than 3 months, didn't finish college and at one time we were so close now ... it just sad... my husband keeps telling me there was never a guarantee that our family would be close and that our children would turn out to live conventional lives... these two kids are just toxic to me and I feel terribly guilty for feeling that way. My 18 yr old has such a good heart and since his sister came back home, he changed, I just want a normal family life... so much sacrifice to give them the best we could and nothing made a difference.

    Thanks again.
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    We all wanted the same and gave our all, but our children do not always share our wishes and values and they are not us. We need to let go. We have no other choice. We give them roots ti grow and wings to flym

    We DONT have to pay their way. If your daughter is able bodied she can work and stay at a job for a long time. She just wont. If she has to, she will or she will experience consequences. Consequences teach. Our rescuing teaches nothing and usually leads to more rescuing without their gratitude.

    It is easy to be very close to a small child or young teen who depends on us for everything. Once they are adults, it is normal for those of us with more than one child to stay close to some and not to others, depending on their personalities.

    I have four adult kids and am much much closer to my girls than my two boys. I am close to my boys in a different way but the boys dont hang out with me. The girls do and we have lots of fun. Thereis a special closeness between me and my girls (two daughters and angel granddaughter).

    The oldest is a son and is difficult and has nothing to do with his siblings. They are fine with it. It doesnt bother me. I get it. He isnt nice to them and sometimes not to me and they are protective of me and one another. He lives a few states away. It is best. My ex and me are the only ones he talks to and i rarely see him or my grandson. But I do know both love me.

    That dream Hallmark family doesnt really exist. Dont force a fantasy family. And dont feel bad. Most people do not have this perfect close family. Kids grow up, move away, have families...we all need to bond tightly to our partner, make a life together and not count on our kids to be around forever. They only will if they are too disabled to move on and none of us want that either.

    I did adopt a six year old from another country. Yes, it was too old...i hoped for the best. He was a smart kid, cute, and sweet. But he didnt bond like the other kids did, the ones who came very young (three others are also adopted). When he was in his late twenties he met a woman from his country who was hostile to us from Day One. He changed fast and soon dumped us all and we havent seen him for ten-twelve years..i dont include him as one of my kids as I know that as long as he is married to this woman we wont hear from him and so much has happened I dont know that I would ever want to. I know he is well and very well off and i have peace if mind about him, but, hey, thats not how I wanted it to be.

    But I count my many, many blessings. I have a wonderful husband, three awesome adult children, the best granddaughter ever, a son who is difficult but loves me, a sweet grandson and a fun job, a good future, my dogs, a peaceful home...i am grateful.

    Focus on your blessings. You have many too.

    Love and light!
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    Last edited: May 29, 2017
  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    China is about the last place I would risk smoking pot!
  6. Heavyhearted

    Heavyhearted New Member

  7. Heavyhearted

    Heavyhearted New Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I think I just need some time. The family therapist says both older kids show Oppositional defiance against my husband and i. That in working with our family that it's almost like they came from a different family. I am trying to make sense of things... my daughter has been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality... she refuses to accept that anything is wrong with her.

    I know I need to focus on my other kids and my husband. I somehow lost myself to motherhood and now feel empty because it wasn't what I expected.
  8. Heavyhearted

    Heavyhearted New Member

    yes, they are well aware of the drug laws in China. I hope they use sound judgement and stay safe
  9. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    How are they going to China? Where are they getting the money? Why are they going?
  10. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I heard of some programs in China that foreigners can access do they use one of those?
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry you feel rejected, but I think you need to focus more on your younger children and less on these older idiots. Let them go and grow up. They are making mistakes but they won't learn until feel the sting of consequences.

    Do you remember back when they were learning to walk? You didn't want them to fall down and bump their knees, but you couldn't stop them. The only way they could learn was to do it and to learn by stubbing toes, skinning knees and even bumping their heads now and then. This is the same. All you can do is go about your business and let them go make their own mistakes. You cannot learn for them. You cannot stop them. They must do it themselves just like any toddler learning to walk.

    I think it is the hardest part of parenting. The not doing anything.

    I also think it is the most important part of parenting.

    Your other kids need you a great deal right now. They have seen the oldest child corrupt the 18yo and turn him into a drug user against the house rules/parents' wishes. This is scary for a child. Especially for one so young as 12. It is time to get the 18yo out of your home and take the house back under your control.

    I strongly recommend reading a book called Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic. It has methods and techniques that might be helpful, but you should know that you and your husband will have to present a united front and be absolutely consistent. If you waver, the kids know and nothing you do will work. They truly need you to be united. It isn't about them hurting you feelings, it is about them needing you to be strong.

    Of course they hurt your feelings, and hurt them in a horribly devastating way. But part of being a parent is being able to keep moving in spite of that, and putting that aside to keep going until the kids are not right there. I used to wait and drive to a park and sit all alone to look at my feelings and figure out how I felt about things, and to cry about how awful things were. Then I would get myself together and go and do what my kids needed me to do. Mostly because otherwise my kids would have run roughshod all over me!
  12. Heavyhearted

    Heavyhearted New Member

    No, my daughter found a tutoring job online with a rich Chinese family. We thought it was too good to be true but we met the man and the family and it is legitimate.
  13. Heavyhearted

    Heavyhearted New Member

    My 22yr old find a job posting for a tutor, two months in china ...all expenses pain ... for her and her brother. She will be making a lot of money. They are a rich Chinese family.

    We thought it was too good to be true but it all checked out
  14. Heavyhearted

    Heavyhearted New Member

    Thank you for the kind words and suggestions. After many years my husband and I sought therapy to make sure we got on the same page and stayed there. It's a work in progress... my heart breaks for my younger children... I wish they didn't have to go through this situation.
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Now that I know your daughter has a legit job, i think I would find it a great opportunity for her. She may even have to stop smoking pot. Many young adults go overseas for a few years. Why are you so against it? Its a way to get your two problematic adult kids out of the house and experiencing another culture while the rest of you can reset.
  16. Heavyhearted

    Heavyhearted New Member

    I know you are right. I am trying to figure that out myself. They have told us that they won't be coming back home and I just don't know how to getover this. The way they delivered the message was hurtful. I wanted our home to be safe for everyone, that hasn't been the case. I think the trip is good it's the chaotic situation that these two children create that is so hard to live with
  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Your two are NOT children. It is bad for your sanity to even call them children. They are legal adults. Others see especially the 22 year old as an adult. If she has botderline, she wont be nice. It is not smart to expect her to be nice. You may want to read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi krieger. It is about how to best communicate with somebody who is borderline.

    There is nothing unusual however for adult children to leave home forever. Its the norm. They may have not delivered the news kindly, but maybe they were afraid you would overreact and flip out. Or try to talk them out of if. But they HAVE to leave eventually. All your kids will. You are not going to all live under one roof, including their spouses and children. We dont do that in our culture.

    Stop thinking of 22 as a kid. Thats when we get into trouble. We have different expectations of children than adults. See her tall, with a deeper voice, breasts and a young womans face. Your 18 is still young, but a legal adult and able to vote, join the military and make his own decisions. You are lucky that you met the Chinese family because Daughter could have left without introducing you to them. Some defiant adult children would not hsve done this. At least you know it is truly legit.

    I could be way off, but I am wondering if part of your issue is you see them all as still young children who cant thrive without you. Or maybe you feel a need to keep them at home so that you can still be a mommy figure to them. But that is not healthy for them. Or you.

    Its time in my opinion that you have this time away from one another. Your 17 is almost an adult too. We only have our children for a short time. Thats why we need lives apart from them. This is a good time to start focusing in on your other interests and finding new ones. Nothing turns off even nice grown kids like a clingy mother who tries to still run their adult childs life. That will chase even the best of our adult children away!
    Last edited: May 30, 2017
  18. Heavyhearted

    Heavyhearted New Member

    Thank you for responding. I know you are right... I just hoped we would all get along.

    I don't want my children to stay young forever or need me forever. I want them to appreciate their nuclear family and respect us.

    I realize I surrendered too much of myself in mothering...

    I also realize that my family has lost much due to the decisions my two older children made and are still making.

    I know life at home will be better without them.

    Thanks again.
  19. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    As said above you think at it as an great news because well it is, they are trying to become independent and support themselves.
    This is a moment of pride for you.
  20. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    I'd be dancing a jig if mine got a job in China. Just sayin.