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Detaching from the people in our children's lives?
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 300512" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Janet, you perceptive woman you, you've hit on something I've been wondering/slightly worried about. Is there such as thing as too much detachment?</p><p> </p><p>I don't know where he's living. I have no way to get a hold of him. I truly do not ask him any questions about his life.</p><p> </p><p>I know he's off all medications. He did have a job as a busboy, but my mommy radar is telling me he quit/got fired since moving back in with- girlfriend's family. He didn't finish HS and won't in the near future. </p><p> </p><p>He's lost a good 75 pounds since the beginning of the year and looks just awful - all bones and gaunt face. We didn't see him for about 2 months (his choice) and when he finally did show up at home, it was all I could do to keep from literally throwing up when I saw him. He looks that bad. We feed him when he's here and offer to buy him groceries to take back home, which sometimes he takes us up on and sometimes not. And while he swears drugs are not involved, I don't buy it for a second. </p><p> </p><p>When he was in the SRO, he apparently had bought a mattress that was just infested with bedbugs and was coming home covered in bites. I did not intervene - it took him over a month to get the mgmt company in to spray his room and by that time they had to spray it several times over a week. I coached, offered suggestions but...</p><p> </p><p>It feels like a rock and a very hard place. He still wants me to take care of everything for him and I adamantly refuse. I initially would offer a suggestion if he asked, but that just ticks him off because he doesn't want to figure it out or even follow basic instructions - he wants someone to do it for him. Which is why, in my humble opinion, he is back living with- girlfriend. girlfriend's mom simply does not get the concept of thank you being accountable and responsible. The you know what is going to hit the fan when she gets fed up with him again, and *I'm* going to be the one getting the darn phone calls, and I'm more than a little ticked myself about it.</p><p> </p><p>Plus, he still is making noises about moving back home, which is not going to happen. </p><p> </p><p>The first 6 months of this year were heck, Janet. I cried every single stinking day. After all these years, I've still got a kid who thinks he's fine, who has a Pavlovian response to rules and expectations and will do everything in his power *not* to comply, and who has absolutely no investment in his own quality of life but expects everyone else to do for him. husband and I have had a gazillion discussions about him - is he as functionally disabled as Boo? I think thank you's proven he isn't, at least in a broad sense. He had the SRO, he got a job (through some agency, not sure who/how), he seems to have developed a circle of friends (mostly street kids but... it is what it is). The resources to support him are there, but he adamantly refuses them because he doesn't "need" them. </p><p> </p><p>I guess you could say I have walked away from him in a sense, but no more so than he's pushed me away. I'm exhausted from 14 years of trying to get him to see that jumping thru the hoop is so much simpler than fighting his way around it. I'm selfish too - I've already got a son I will be caretaker for until the day I die. Boo is at least cooperative and compliant. I don't have it in me to be caretaker for an oppositional adult son who thinks he has earned adult rights and priveleges but somehow doesn't think he should have adult reponsibilities.</p><p> </p><p>I have warned him repeatedly about this family. They are bad news, start to finish. The girl is with him until someone more interesting comes along. The mother... has some serious issues, to be kind. But according to thank you, I don't know what I'm talking about, as usual. I don't understand. </p><p> </p><p>He was on a better path in the SRO. Yes, he was struggling and being mule-headed about asking for help (i.e. food), but he was doing it on his own. This move to girlfriend's house is a huge step backward and it's going to end badly, and then husband and I are once again going to be in the position where we have to tell thank you that he cannot come home. It darn near killed me the first time, I don't suspect it's going to be any easier the second, third, or fourth. </p><p> </p><p>Sorry for rambling. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> You just hit a raw nerve here. I feel like we have to be hypervigilant to maintain boundaries, to protect the other kids and ourselves from thank you's choices. I cannot control other people's interference in his growth, and he bristles at word one of any advice I might offer him so I feel like I have to keep my mouth shut and ... hope that he learns to take care of himself rather than depending on others. It's all or nothing with him right now and I cannot be/do not want to be his all anymore. Enough already.</p><p> </p><p>I want to ask if we've taken detachment too far, but on the other hand it kinda really doesn't matter because this is the place that we've arrived at after a really horrible time of it - this seems to be the balance that husband and I can tolerate (barely). We very well may be wrong, but I just simply don't know what else to do until thank you starts being an active participant in his own life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 300512, member: 8"] Janet, you perceptive woman you, you've hit on something I've been wondering/slightly worried about. Is there such as thing as too much detachment? I don't know where he's living. I have no way to get a hold of him. I truly do not ask him any questions about his life. I know he's off all medications. He did have a job as a busboy, but my mommy radar is telling me he quit/got fired since moving back in with- girlfriend's family. He didn't finish HS and won't in the near future. He's lost a good 75 pounds since the beginning of the year and looks just awful - all bones and gaunt face. We didn't see him for about 2 months (his choice) and when he finally did show up at home, it was all I could do to keep from literally throwing up when I saw him. He looks that bad. We feed him when he's here and offer to buy him groceries to take back home, which sometimes he takes us up on and sometimes not. And while he swears drugs are not involved, I don't buy it for a second. When he was in the SRO, he apparently had bought a mattress that was just infested with bedbugs and was coming home covered in bites. I did not intervene - it took him over a month to get the mgmt company in to spray his room and by that time they had to spray it several times over a week. I coached, offered suggestions but... It feels like a rock and a very hard place. He still wants me to take care of everything for him and I adamantly refuse. I initially would offer a suggestion if he asked, but that just ticks him off because he doesn't want to figure it out or even follow basic instructions - he wants someone to do it for him. Which is why, in my humble opinion, he is back living with- girlfriend. girlfriend's mom simply does not get the concept of thank you being accountable and responsible. The you know what is going to hit the fan when she gets fed up with him again, and *I'm* going to be the one getting the darn phone calls, and I'm more than a little ticked myself about it. Plus, he still is making noises about moving back home, which is not going to happen. The first 6 months of this year were heck, Janet. I cried every single stinking day. After all these years, I've still got a kid who thinks he's fine, who has a Pavlovian response to rules and expectations and will do everything in his power *not* to comply, and who has absolutely no investment in his own quality of life but expects everyone else to do for him. husband and I have had a gazillion discussions about him - is he as functionally disabled as Boo? I think thank you's proven he isn't, at least in a broad sense. He had the SRO, he got a job (through some agency, not sure who/how), he seems to have developed a circle of friends (mostly street kids but... it is what it is). The resources to support him are there, but he adamantly refuses them because he doesn't "need" them. I guess you could say I have walked away from him in a sense, but no more so than he's pushed me away. I'm exhausted from 14 years of trying to get him to see that jumping thru the hoop is so much simpler than fighting his way around it. I'm selfish too - I've already got a son I will be caretaker for until the day I die. Boo is at least cooperative and compliant. I don't have it in me to be caretaker for an oppositional adult son who thinks he has earned adult rights and priveleges but somehow doesn't think he should have adult reponsibilities. I have warned him repeatedly about this family. They are bad news, start to finish. The girl is with him until someone more interesting comes along. The mother... has some serious issues, to be kind. But according to thank you, I don't know what I'm talking about, as usual. I don't understand. He was on a better path in the SRO. Yes, he was struggling and being mule-headed about asking for help (i.e. food), but he was doing it on his own. This move to girlfriend's house is a huge step backward and it's going to end badly, and then husband and I are once again going to be in the position where we have to tell thank you that he cannot come home. It darn near killed me the first time, I don't suspect it's going to be any easier the second, third, or fourth. Sorry for rambling. ;) You just hit a raw nerve here. I feel like we have to be hypervigilant to maintain boundaries, to protect the other kids and ourselves from thank you's choices. I cannot control other people's interference in his growth, and he bristles at word one of any advice I might offer him so I feel like I have to keep my mouth shut and ... hope that he learns to take care of himself rather than depending on others. It's all or nothing with him right now and I cannot be/do not want to be his all anymore. Enough already. I want to ask if we've taken detachment too far, but on the other hand it kinda really doesn't matter because this is the place that we've arrived at after a really horrible time of it - this seems to be the balance that husband and I can tolerate (barely). We very well may be wrong, but I just simply don't know what else to do until thank you starts being an active participant in his own life. [/QUOTE]
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