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Substance Abuse
Detaching "WITH LOVE"?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 628863" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Calamity Jane, I love what you wrote, and I think it is stellar. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is so cathartic and healing. Our thoughts and our feelings can overwhelm us and can dictate how we act and behave. That doesn't they are true or actionable. Writing it all down is a huge relief, and getting it all out frees up space for something new to come in.</p><p></p><p>Otherwise, we just go around and around and around with the same obsessive thoughts, fears and anger, raising our own blood pressure, creating more cortisol and basically harming ourselves. We are what we think. We are what we feel. But if we can arrest the cycle---stop it somehow---we can do better and in time, we will feel better and act better.</p><p></p><p>Writing is a key tool, and one of my top five (thus how much I write on this board---so much of it is for ME). </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I so get this today. I remember way back when, in the middle of my divorce, which was not pretty, someone suggested I pray for my ex-husband. Well, I can tell you, at that time, he is the LAST person I wanted to pray for. But over time, I started doing that, even though I sure didn't feel it, and it changed me. It really did. Today, even though we have said some very harsh things to each other in the last years of our marriage, I have genuine warmth and compassion for him today. I believe praying for him was a big part of that. </p><p></p><p>I pray continuously for difficult child. I pray for God's will in his life, most of all. I have learned the hard way that I don't know what is best for someone else. I don't know what their path or their life journey is to be or should be, so I try hard not to pray for specific things to happen. What do I know? Very little. It's all I can do to manage my own life. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Distance is another key tool for me. Keeping my distance from people who aren't good for me. difficult child and others. At first when we go through all of this horror with our difficult children, most of us do a lot of isolating. I see it as a severely wounded animal crawling over to a dark place to hide and lick his wounds. That has been me, a lot. </p><p></p><p>When I do that I am also isolating from people who aren't bad for me, but for a time, that is all I am capable of doing. Some of those good people don't understand the distance, and I know my distance has hurt them. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry about that, and I have tried to make amends for that, when I am stronger. And through this all, I have found that friendships have died, acquaintances have become more distant, and some of my professional relationships have been lost. That is what living in a smaller city with a known drug addict for a son can do, among many other things. A lot of people don't understand addiction, and I get that. I didn't either. Today, I have so much more compassion for people who are addicted and for people who love addicts. I see it all so differently today. </p><p></p><p>We have a right to create and maintain distance from people, good and bad. These are boundaries. I had few boundaries in my earlier life, before my ex-husband's battle with alcoholism and my son's drug addiction. I needed to learn about boundaries, and I have learned so much about them, and through that, am a much happier and more respectful person today.</p><p></p><p>Great wisdom you share, Calamity Jane. Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 628863, member: 17542"] Calamity Jane, I love what you wrote, and I think it is stellar. This is so cathartic and healing. Our thoughts and our feelings can overwhelm us and can dictate how we act and behave. That doesn't they are true or actionable. Writing it all down is a huge relief, and getting it all out frees up space for something new to come in. Otherwise, we just go around and around and around with the same obsessive thoughts, fears and anger, raising our own blood pressure, creating more cortisol and basically harming ourselves. We are what we think. We are what we feel. But if we can arrest the cycle---stop it somehow---we can do better and in time, we will feel better and act better. Writing is a key tool, and one of my top five (thus how much I write on this board---so much of it is for ME). I so get this today. I remember way back when, in the middle of my divorce, which was not pretty, someone suggested I pray for my ex-husband. Well, I can tell you, at that time, he is the LAST person I wanted to pray for. But over time, I started doing that, even though I sure didn't feel it, and it changed me. It really did. Today, even though we have said some very harsh things to each other in the last years of our marriage, I have genuine warmth and compassion for him today. I believe praying for him was a big part of that. I pray continuously for difficult child. I pray for God's will in his life, most of all. I have learned the hard way that I don't know what is best for someone else. I don't know what their path or their life journey is to be or should be, so I try hard not to pray for specific things to happen. What do I know? Very little. It's all I can do to manage my own life. Distance is another key tool for me. Keeping my distance from people who aren't good for me. difficult child and others. At first when we go through all of this horror with our difficult children, most of us do a lot of isolating. I see it as a severely wounded animal crawling over to a dark place to hide and lick his wounds. That has been me, a lot. When I do that I am also isolating from people who aren't bad for me, but for a time, that is all I am capable of doing. Some of those good people don't understand the distance, and I know my distance has hurt them. I am sorry about that, and I have tried to make amends for that, when I am stronger. And through this all, I have found that friendships have died, acquaintances have become more distant, and some of my professional relationships have been lost. That is what living in a smaller city with a known drug addict for a son can do, among many other things. A lot of people don't understand addiction, and I get that. I didn't either. Today, I have so much more compassion for people who are addicted and for people who love addicts. I see it all so differently today. We have a right to create and maintain distance from people, good and bad. These are boundaries. I had few boundaries in my earlier life, before my ex-husband's battle with alcoholism and my son's drug addiction. I needed to learn about boundaries, and I have learned so much about them, and through that, am a much happier and more respectful person today. Great wisdom you share, Calamity Jane. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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