Detatching slowly

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Dec 4, 2017.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I sent my daughter a text that told her the only communication I will have with her is through text messaging. Her dad has not said one word to her for a long time, of course it hurts him but it is better than riding that roller coaster and hearing the lies.
    The change that is happening is that I am reading the detatching information and putting it into action.

    I got a hand written note from her, saying what she usually says about her working hard and trying and trying to blame her unacceptable behavior on me. The reason her life is so bad is not because of her bipolar/borderline, it is because of me. The most frustrating thing for her, is me asking what exactly am I doing that causes her life to be so bad. She knows that if the problem was with me I would correct it immediately because I believe peace in the family is my most high priority. What she thinks I need to do is put up with the abuse. The lies, stealing, and other things that I can not live with. My husband and I spent thousands of dollars on her private college eduation..She is educated and very smart, gifts that are not being used to better herself. She picks a mate that does not contribute to anything, he is disrespectful to both my husband and myself. I know who she picks is none of my business but I would NEVER pick a person that treated my parents ugly. Huge red flag.We have tried, God knows we have tried but there comes a point where it just is not going to work and I am ok with it. The relationship does not work between the both of them either, she kicks him out of her house ever few months, he has to pack his stuff and move back in with his mother, he is 43 year old for God's sake. I guess I need to be thankful that he has not punched her lights out, how he has kept from doing that is a miracle. I try to look at the situation as positive as I can, two very ill people living together with no real leadership. Both keeping each other stuck and in misery.
    At least now that I am taking a distant break from all the self made drama, I can begin to heal and study the detatching article a bit. I say this everyday, I did not cause it, I can not cure it and I can not control it.


    I felt like the walking dead after being around her the last few months. She refused to medicate and she does nothing about going to therapy or steps on how she can help herself not be so abusive. She believes everyone just needs to put up with her abuse. The abuse is not just talking ugly, it is lies, stealing, setting people up to fail, slaming them on social media and just making their lives miserable. Actually putting time and energy into how to harm someones life.

    Have any of you ever felt your conduct disordered child tainted with your food? I remember one time my daughter brought me an orange drink and I got very sick afterwards. It stays in the back of my mind that she may have tainted with my food. I have felt that a few other times. When she dropped off her partial payment yesterday she put it into the mail box, she put some salmon she cooked in foil. One of my favorite foods is grilled salmon, I would like to think this is a peace offering but still in the back of my mind it is there.

    The good thing about this 'break' that I am taking is that normal business is still running and hopefully she can get her mania under control. When she is not in a relationship with anyone, she can stay on top of her mania and live an ok life but with a man living with her and his illnesses, it makes for a bomb. If they were happy together and could pay their bills, it would not matter how my husband and I felt about them being a couple. When they break up, I usually have to help heal her broken heart and she calls me and comes over all distraught and in agony. I usually give her a massage, fix her something good to eat, buy her some clothes to brighten her day etc etc By doing this, I am really not helping her and this is the kind of stuff I would do for anyone that is hurting, I can not be who I am, it does not help her. It is hard for me to detatch and ignore, it goes against who I am at the core but her awful behavior forces me to do things that I have to in order to help her and in order for me to survive though the awful emotional and spiritual beatings.

    I understanding strongly that there is nothing stronger and important than a bond of humans coming together to help, prosper, encourage, support, love each other on this life journey that only goes by too quickly. Each word, thought and action should be spent lifting each other up, encouraging each other, being very kind and loving. I tell my daughter this all the time. We sleep 8 hours, we work 8 hours and the rest of the time is very short and to spend even a second of that time being ugly or harmful to another person is just so awful and extremely spiritually immature. I do not want anyone in my life that will hurt or harm innocent people on a regular basis, it is just too awful for my spirit.

    And that person doing the harm to us is our own daughter. My heart is so broken.
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    They all want us to enable them and make their life easy. Easy is not the right way. Enabling us not the right way. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Good boundaries are important.

    exactly.

    I would not eat anything she offered to you just to be on the safe side. When her mind is not well there is no telling what she could do.

    Stay strong and focus on you.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    None of my kids ever tampered with my food. Ever, ever, ever.

    If you believe she did that, she could be trying to kill you. If so, this is crossing beyond bipolar, beyond even borderline and is reaching psychopathy. Do you have a will where she could inherit money? Does she have a conscience?

    I would not eat or drink anything she prepares and keep her OUT of the home. See her only in public places.

    As bad as most of our adult kids can act, almost no parents have to worry that their child may be poisoning their food, yet it happens. Sick though it is, as a true crime fan I know that some family members do at times try to kill somebody who loves them. It can even succeed.

    I hope you are wrong about this, but I would take precautions.
     
  4. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you SWOT. I pray to God that I am wrong but why would that thought even cross my mind? I believe it happens a lot more than most people think. It maybe a power play. I have said something to my husband a few times and he never has said 'Well that is a crazy idea' he just looks at me like it could be a possibility. I think when my daughter's mind is unwell there is no limit to what she can do. She can become down right creepy. It is not uncomon at all for mental ill people to actually kill someone. I know that with her putting her time and energy into harming me, it kills my spirit and can cause all kinds of other problems. When she is NOT manic, and we are laughing and loving I tell myself how odd it is that I would think such a thing but then she flips over to the dark side and anything is possible. When she is being extremely abusive what stops her from actually killing someone? I wonder if she has enough moral compass to stop it if it gets that bad.
    I have seen her destroy grown men. There is no way I would allow my son to date someone like that.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Mentally ill people rarely kill others. Sorry, that is an untrue statement and, being one with a mood disorder, I have lived it and done the research. More often it is personality disordered people who MAY kill (even most of them do not)...those without a conscience who stand to gain from a death. They are risky people. Cluster B personality disorders....Borderline, Narcicism and Antisocials can kill. Bipolar/depression no. Sorry. I know we want to blame our kids behavior on common treatable mental illnesses, but it's not a fact. One could call personality disorders mental illness, but they are personality flaws as well...a lack of empathy...and not yet treatable. I have spent my life in the mental health community, especially with those with mood disorders, and not one even spoke of killing anyone but himself.

    I don't think it is common for any troubled kid to kill. Maybe on drugs they get violent on drug fueled impulse, but poisening a parents food is premeditated. It is psychopathic. Most people don't even consider this. For that reason, please stay safe. Do not normalize this or say it is due to a bad mood. Manic behavior is irresponsible, eurphoric behavior...one does not have the attention span when manic to plot anything deadly. I fear for you.

    Other traits of psychopathy are a lack of conscience, no guilt at stealing and sneaky crimes for their gain. Many do white collar scams. Many use drugs which make them worse.

    Never ever think it is normal adult kid behavior to try to seriously harm you. And I would keep this daughter out of the home so the damage is minimized and eat with her only in restaurants. Don't share food or drink with her even there. Therapy could help you and husband cope with these heartbreaking issues. Trust me, I am very sad that you have to deal with something this awful. But this is a big step beyond what most of us are dealing with. You probably need to take measures to not only protect your health but also your assets.

    I wish you the best in this difficult situation. Do not make it a small issue. Keep your eyes wide open. Please.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2017
  6. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    A personality disorder stems from the brain so why would this not be considered mentally ill? The personality comes from the brain and if the personality is ill the brain must be?

    I know there are many more parents out there that do not admit that they are scared of getting killed by their ill child. Some are too embarrassed or in denial or do not want anyone to judge them.

    Why would the thought cross my mind? I am not a paranoid person and I try to see the best in each person I meet until they show me otherwise.

    I am taking steps to protect my husband and me, our health and our assests. Right now my daughter is making serious attempts to trying to pay us back for rent. I am not sure if she has a moral compass and is making her do this or if she knows her life is about to get very hard if she gets evicted. She knows that my husband and I will not back off from evicting her if she does not make right on the rent. I am just so sad that it had to come to this, that she had to push us to our limits and we had to lay the law down once again instead of her just doing the right thing.

    Ugh, this is such a hard and grieving journey. . In all the years I went to therapy with her I learned a thing or two. She was actually a nice child but around 11 things started to happen then when she was 12 her brother died, she was a bit awful but I thought it was grief. I know psychopaths are born psychopaths and I would have known she was as a young child. I believe she developed on set adult bipolar/borderline and becomes a psychopath while manic, I may not be using the correct terms, I am just talking from my heart. If she stays manic all the time then she becomes a full time psychopath and if she is a full time psychopath then I will have to cut all ties because there is nothing good that can come from that.. I do see bits and pieces of goodness come from her when she is not manic and when she is in a relationship with a man she is a lunatic. I know that falling in love with normal people sets their hormones all over the place but when it happens to my daughter she is totally off the charts.

    SWOT, Thank you for your concern. I am protecting everything I can. I am also trying to rebuild my broken heart.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Her drinks tasted funny. That's why you are concerned. Plus you know her.

    Personality disorders are not yet curable. There are actual differences in the brain of those who are antisocial. So...we are just learning about this problem. It may turn out to be a brain glitch but it does cause a lack of conscience. No conscience and you can do anything without feeling guilt.

    Not sure that many parents are afraid of being killed by their kid. People are pretty open here. We confess some pretty awful stuff but fear of deliberately being poisoned does not come up much. Fear of being hurt in an impulsive rage, yes, but not a deliberate attempt at a killing. Both are awful, but there IS a difference! Both parents need to be safe.

    I just hope YOU watch yourself. You are an important person who matters. You must stay safe.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 4, 2017