I am finally at a real computer (and not my quirky iPhone 3GS that eats my posts) and I wanted to start typing out my 2 cents on many posts and give you all an update on my own travails and travails with my difficult child. And then I detected a bit of synchronization among many of us; especially those of us who aren't newcomers. Yes, many of our difficult children are ramping up, some are checking out of our lives, some are running away; and it definitely seems like their progress (if there was any) has been lost. And even those kids who aren't actively getting worse are still on a path of self destruction. But no hysteria on our part. No pleas of "what should I do?" No second guessing, no research, no shoulda, woulda, coulda... It seems like we are starting to manage our own lives better after too many months and years of being in constant crisis management. And I am so proud of all of us. Maybe we are finding strength in numbers. Maybe our mutual support is giving us the strength to detach. Maybe we are setting good examples for each other and finding a collective strength that we could not find alone. I read these posts and even though we don't know each other on a personal, in real life level - I recognize myself in you all and my son in your kids. Even though we are all very different and our kids are not interchangeable -we all share such common experiences. I am finally realizing that I need to step far far away. Detach is such a short simple word and yet such a loaded, long process. I am finally understanding that while I cannot make him better, I have been his scapegoat for making himself worse. And I am done being his scapegoat. That's my last and best hope for getting my son back. Maybe it was my constant reactions that fueled his self righteousness and sense of entitlement. Maybe if he can't react at me - he will eventually turn the spotlight on himself. And in the meantime, he will not be my focus. I've tried everything to reach him. The things I haven't tried are many of the things that have failed for you all. I know that trying them in my situation will fail too. So, my been there done that includes by proxy - your been there done that. And I hope I am making sense. But most of all - Thank YOU. For sharing your journey with me and allowing me to share yours. And for being the strength that holds me together. This place is the only place I've found common sense advice & understanding in the completely senseless life my kid is choosing. And if this somehow reads like a farewell; please be assured that it is NOT! For now, I am not anxiety ridden at the knowledge that my kid is in a filthy apartment, unemployed, likely hungover and high. I am sure the sense of panic with- difficult child will set in for moments or days in the weeks ahead. And I will be leaning on you all again. And I will always want you to know that you can lean on me.