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<blockquote data-quote="timer lady" data-source="post: 172353" data-attributes="member: 393"><p><strong>Shamrock,</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>I'm sorry for your pain - truly it's devastating as a parent to have to make a choice of this nature.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Saying that, I am the parent of 2 difficult children with severe Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD); we brought these children into our lives going on 8 years ago. And it has been a huge & nightmarish roller coaster ride. Not that we didn't & don't have our moments of joy. </strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>BUT we weren't trying to marry & combine 2 families at the time. As the parent of attachment disordered children I can see & understand what the psychiatrist or therapist was recommending. The merging of 2 families along with an attachment disordered child makes this situation too volatile; too fragile.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>in my humble opinion, dad & difficult child daughter will have a great deal of attachment based therapy ahead & then there will be family therapy after that. The attachment issues will have to be dealt with. </strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>My tweedles had to go back to day one - at almost 7 years of age we had to swaddle them in blankets & rock them. I bottle fed my kt until she was almost 9; she had a pacifier for comfort until almost 10. I fed both wm & kt with a baby spoon & played the games we play with babies while feeding them. We reparented (when tolerated) through some of the most important developmental stages. I had to make kt & wm believe that I loved them & would keep them safe; that was a hard sale after years of neglect/abuse. It took & still takes time. </strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>We dealt & still deal with some pretty significant PTSD. </strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Though all of this I'm still not "real mom". The tweedles have been with me more than half their young lives & I'm still not real mom. They, for the most part know, that I will keep them safe & that I love them. But there will always be this level of "mistrust" for any caregiver.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>I don't say all of this to discourage you - rather to let you know that now probably isn't the time to marry. I'd wait & see how the therapy between difficult child & her father goes. In the meantime, I'd study up on ways you can nurture as a step parent & only do so when difficult child can/will tolerate it.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>It's not fair for your life to be disrupted to this level - however this difficult children life was severely disrupted by a bio mom who made some hellish parenting decisions for her children & your fiance' is left holding the bag. </strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>I'm truly sorry.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="timer lady, post: 172353, member: 393"] [B]Shamrock, I'm sorry for your pain - truly it's devastating as a parent to have to make a choice of this nature. Saying that, I am the parent of 2 difficult children with severe Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD); we brought these children into our lives going on 8 years ago. And it has been a huge & nightmarish roller coaster ride. Not that we didn't & don't have our moments of joy. BUT we weren't trying to marry & combine 2 families at the time. As the parent of attachment disordered children I can see & understand what the psychiatrist or therapist was recommending. The merging of 2 families along with an attachment disordered child makes this situation too volatile; too fragile. in my humble opinion, dad & difficult child daughter will have a great deal of attachment based therapy ahead & then there will be family therapy after that. The attachment issues will have to be dealt with. My tweedles had to go back to day one - at almost 7 years of age we had to swaddle them in blankets & rock them. I bottle fed my kt until she was almost 9; she had a pacifier for comfort until almost 10. I fed both wm & kt with a baby spoon & played the games we play with babies while feeding them. We reparented (when tolerated) through some of the most important developmental stages. I had to make kt & wm believe that I loved them & would keep them safe; that was a hard sale after years of neglect/abuse. It took & still takes time. We dealt & still deal with some pretty significant PTSD. Though all of this I'm still not "real mom". The tweedles have been with me more than half their young lives & I'm still not real mom. They, for the most part know, that I will keep them safe & that I love them. But there will always be this level of "mistrust" for any caregiver. I don't say all of this to discourage you - rather to let you know that now probably isn't the time to marry. I'd wait & see how the therapy between difficult child & her father goes. In the meantime, I'd study up on ways you can nurture as a step parent & only do so when difficult child can/will tolerate it. It's not fair for your life to be disrupted to this level - however this difficult children life was severely disrupted by a bio mom who made some hellish parenting decisions for her children & your fiance' is left holding the bag. I'm truly sorry. [/B] [/QUOTE]
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