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Diagnosis = Heartbreak
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 641397" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Suggestion from the daughter of a classic narcissist.</p><p></p><p>He will not change. These people think they are the center of the universe and never stop thinking that. My father is 90. You'd think long years of just life would change his way of thinking. It hasn't. Instead of blaming his saintly deceased parents (sarcasm here..his father was also probably a narcissist), he blames his kids for everything that has gone wrong in his life. "Not one of you kids have given me one moment of pleasure. Not one." He did make a good living so he likes to threaten to control us by threatening to disinherit us. I told him during our last interaction that I can't control what he does with his money and that it's his money and he should do what he wants with it. I DON'T CARE. I'm done. Done trying to please the last parent I have...my family was so dysfunctional I never knew parental love. So be it. I'm the matriarch of our family now and way too old to be putting up with disrespectful even from him. During our many years he has said and done the most horrible things and I tolerated it because at least he spoke to me, unlike my mother. But even an idiot <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> like me can say "enough is enough." I will never call him again because our last interaction was him telling me to never contact him again (which he has said multiple times in all of our lives). I wrote him a short, sweet letter saying I will respect his wishes and he can call me if he wants, but he has to be respectful. Probably telling him he has to be respectful will make him unable to call me beacuse it can't be his fault. It is NEVER his fault. So be it. I tried. I did the best I could. I understand that this is your son and not a parent and it is more hurtful, however your son is not much different and probably will not get much different. Narcissism is hardwired into the brain. You need to set strict boundaires for what they can and can not say to you or how they can treat you in order to have any sort of functional relationship with them at all. And they must be willing to accept your boundaires. My son, who has traits, has accepted my boundaries and our relatiotnship has greatly improved. My father probably won't as he is 100% hardcore narcissist.</p><p></p><p>Why do you even read his long, ramgling texts that are lies about you, attempts to gaslight you into thinking you are the problem, and his gall of expecting you to expand your house to support him!!!! Jeesh. They do get crazy, don't they? Yet they are good at making us think WE are the bad guys and they do it by repetition and persistence until they wear us down. My life got better when I told my son I would not read abusive texts, but would delete them at the first sign of abuse, I would not talk to him on the phone if he even so much as raised his voice...I would gently but firmly hang up. I did both and he is much nicer to me now. And I am very firm about sticking to my boundaries with him. This may not work with your adult child, but it's better than letting him abuse you. If a spouse talked to you that way, you'd leave him. I'm not telling you to leave your son, but you can set a boundary as to how he is allowed to communicate with you if he wishes you to read his texts or talk to him. You have the power of being able to reject his abuse and letting him know it. If I were you (and I know I'm not), I'd never respond at all to any abuse. Trying to defend yourself about fake reality and gaslighting is useless and just throws fuel on their fire and makes us feel rotten.</p><p></p><p>Here are the symptoms of a narcissist. Your son may have the whole nine yards or just traits or you may not see him in this at all. If he even has traits that will make him self-defeating and difficult to deal with forever and trying to deal with him normally will not work. There are books and websites telling you how to deal with somebody who has a personality disorder. You can make it better for YOU, but you can't change him. Only he can change him. Ok, here's the link. See what you think and if it hits home start doing homework on how to deal with it. I also included a good link for a book about dealing with personality disordered people.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/" target="_blank">http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/</a></p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Disarming-Narcissist-Surviving-Thriving-Self-Absorbed/dp/1608827607" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/Disarming-Narcissist-Surviving-Thriving-Self-Absorbed/dp/1608827607</a></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 641397, member: 1550"] Suggestion from the daughter of a classic narcissist. He will not change. These people think they are the center of the universe and never stop thinking that. My father is 90. You'd think long years of just life would change his way of thinking. It hasn't. Instead of blaming his saintly deceased parents (sarcasm here..his father was also probably a narcissist), he blames his kids for everything that has gone wrong in his life. "Not one of you kids have given me one moment of pleasure. Not one." He did make a good living so he likes to threaten to control us by threatening to disinherit us. I told him during our last interaction that I can't control what he does with his money and that it's his money and he should do what he wants with it. I DON'T CARE. I'm done. Done trying to please the last parent I have...my family was so dysfunctional I never knew parental love. So be it. I'm the matriarch of our family now and way too old to be putting up with disrespectful even from him. During our many years he has said and done the most horrible things and I tolerated it because at least he spoke to me, unlike my mother. But even an idiot ;) like me can say "enough is enough." I will never call him again because our last interaction was him telling me to never contact him again (which he has said multiple times in all of our lives). I wrote him a short, sweet letter saying I will respect his wishes and he can call me if he wants, but he has to be respectful. Probably telling him he has to be respectful will make him unable to call me beacuse it can't be his fault. It is NEVER his fault. So be it. I tried. I did the best I could. I understand that this is your son and not a parent and it is more hurtful, however your son is not much different and probably will not get much different. Narcissism is hardwired into the brain. You need to set strict boundaires for what they can and can not say to you or how they can treat you in order to have any sort of functional relationship with them at all. And they must be willing to accept your boundaires. My son, who has traits, has accepted my boundaries and our relatiotnship has greatly improved. My father probably won't as he is 100% hardcore narcissist. Why do you even read his long, ramgling texts that are lies about you, attempts to gaslight you into thinking you are the problem, and his gall of expecting you to expand your house to support him!!!! Jeesh. They do get crazy, don't they? Yet they are good at making us think WE are the bad guys and they do it by repetition and persistence until they wear us down. My life got better when I told my son I would not read abusive texts, but would delete them at the first sign of abuse, I would not talk to him on the phone if he even so much as raised his voice...I would gently but firmly hang up. I did both and he is much nicer to me now. And I am very firm about sticking to my boundaries with him. This may not work with your adult child, but it's better than letting him abuse you. If a spouse talked to you that way, you'd leave him. I'm not telling you to leave your son, but you can set a boundary as to how he is allowed to communicate with you if he wishes you to read his texts or talk to him. You have the power of being able to reject his abuse and letting him know it. If I were you (and I know I'm not), I'd never respond at all to any abuse. Trying to defend yourself about fake reality and gaslighting is useless and just throws fuel on their fire and makes us feel rotten. Here are the symptoms of a narcissist. Your son may have the whole nine yards or just traits or you may not see him in this at all. If he even has traits that will make him self-defeating and difficult to deal with forever and trying to deal with him normally will not work. There are books and websites telling you how to deal with somebody who has a personality disorder. You can make it better for YOU, but you can't change him. Only he can change him. Ok, here's the link. See what you think and if it hits home start doing homework on how to deal with it. I also included a good link for a book about dealing with personality disordered people. [url]http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/[/url] [url]http://www.amazon.com/Disarming-Narcissist-Surviving-Thriving-Self-Absorbed/dp/1608827607[/url] [/QUOTE]
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