Did you hear that? - Suggestions - Help?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Jan 30, 2009.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    The scream at 3:00 in the morning? It was me. I've been thinking I was doing really well at detachment 101. Then I had Dude over last night and he has a puppy. Pootie was so hurt. I was so angry. Then the foster Dad tells us that there is a "meeting" with the caseworker and foster care today. I literally stuck my fingers in my ears.


    He's been doing "okay" according to foster Dad, but he has his moments (oh really? gosh - whoda thunk?) and he keeps thinking Dude will be cut from the program that funds his living in foster care. Um....doesn't Medicaid pay for that? (thinking I wish I knew for sure but do not)

    So at 3:00 AM I sit straight up and I start having these very odd feeling thoughts that won't let go - over and over and over like cycling. They don't stop. I keep thinking about them telling him at the meeting today he's out of a home. Will I have the strength to say "YOU really can't come HOME?" and mean it. Will I be able to swallow the lump in my throat and hand him the list of shelters available and watch him get put into jail for not having a permanent address? Over and over and over this stuff just rolls through my head. I even thought at one point - OMG maybe I need to get on Abilify or something? This is just awful.

    It's now 1:00 our time and no call from Dude or the Foster family - I have NO idea what is going to go on. We haven't gotten a hint of a court date for the jury trial that could get him 30 years in prison....and that rolls around every now and then too. If you have an idea of how or something that can make this stop I'd be willing to try it.

    I passed a guy just getting up from "living" under an overpass this morning and while I know that we all have choices to make in our lives and consequences to pay for our choices it just made me choke up to think that HE was someones kid too and then it hit me that HE could BE my kid in another couple of days due to program cuts and not 100% perfect compliance. OMG why all of a sudden does he have to be 100% perfect?
    (I guess budget cuts) but all of a sudden too - the caseworker who called us MAYBE twice a year? Is calling the foster home - 2 and 3 times a week. It's like all of a sudden he is DOING his job. Amazing.

    I'm all ears & tears if you have any thoughts. You just can't swallow hard enough to get a lump out of your throat when you know that having your kid come back to live with you would be CHAOS in the nth degree, but living on the street or in a shelter would make you feel even worse.

    Thanks for listening.
  2. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Oh Star, I am so sorry hun! I can only imagine how you are feeling. I often think the same thing when I see a homeless person in the street. Someone loves them. But as you said yourself, we all have choices. It would be terribly unfortunate (putting it nicely) if your son ends up homeless due to budget cuts!!! UUURRGGHH!!!! I know we are in a recession but jeesh, the cuts should not come from something this important. If your son is not complying and that is why he might be booted from the program then that is out of your hands. I can't tell you not to worry, you will worry, but try not to let it take over your life as he has to live with the consequences of his choices. I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to lend you a shoulder.

    You are in my thoughts. Hang in there and breath......

  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Thanks Bran - I know you're right - and I keep telling myself I'm doing that negative projecting thing - but with our kids it's just so much so often I think it's become habit.

    Somedays I'm a rock and then......somedays I'm a crusty stale marshmallow.
  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Well I'd still wrap you up like a s'more. It must be a sign, I bought Marshmallows today... for the girls.
    I hope and pray the this kid does not end up out in the streets, he has come so far since the the days of the broken jaw etc.
    when I read about politics and what gets allocated for what at times it just makes me sick.
    Hang in there, things keep working out for Dude, he has a guardian somewhere, not always awake, ;) but trying to keep tabs on him.
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Star - I so relate to you! I had the same feelings about my son. If he got kicked out of the place he was living would I have enough strength to tell him he couldnt come home even if it meant putting him on the street? Well, we did for about 2 nights - then the family said they would give it another shot - especially since while he was home for the holidays he had a drug party at our house when I had gone to see my Dad and my hubby was at a conference for umpires! I understand - there seems to be no easy or peaceful answer - just remember we have to give them back to God when they get old enough to make decisions and choices - when they are babies it is different - we can just pray.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    You don't need abilify, you need to breath carefully thru this one and be good to you while you do so.

    I can't directly relate to this, yet I can say that I know you always function with his best interests in mind as you are even doing so now. Trust in your gut and your logical thoughts and decisions. I also agree with toto that things have been working out for him and he has come a long way.

    I'm just sending you alot of hugs right now.
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Star, Fix yourself a nice cup of cammomile tea to sooth your nerves and try to either meditate or do some kind of relaxation exercise. Afterall, worry never changed a thing. -RM
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I have no clue how I would handle such a situation. I'm pretty sure I'd be having as rough a time as you are with it, maybe worse. Talk about the perverbial rock and a hard place.

  9. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Awww Starbie. I'm so sorry. I can relate to those doggone 3 a.m. jolting (electrical?) wake ups with our difficult child being the only subject on our mind. Impossible to redirect, and then the body's physiologic response to stress kicks in - heart rate, breathing, sweating - and it all circles until hours later we're a puddle of motherhood and have not solved a darn thing, have gotten no rest, and still have to go on and carry through the day like we semi-have it together. What a big fat joke.

    I don't have any suggestions for you, hon. On the one hand, it sounds like Dude is making some efforts at getting it together. On the other... is home his cryptonite? Will he revert to old habits? It's a huge gamble at least in terms of your well-being.

    I think at the end of the day you have to do what you know you need to do, whatever that is. You have to be able to live with your choices.

    When thank you tested positive for meth at the beginning of the month, it scared the stuffing out of husband and me. I mean... visions of being called to ID our son at the morgue kind of scared. We did something I didn't think we'd do again. We started talks about him coming home. Not because he's stable or compliant or showing one iota of getting his stuff together but because at the very core of it all, we love this boy and we think home is the one slim chance of keeping him from disappearing forever. If we didn't make the offer? We don't think we could live with thinking we didn't try *everything*. I think it's futile in thank you's case but... not because we didn't do all we could think of. The one caveat is that he has to show minimal participation in the plan - and that's thank you's cryptonite, doing for himself.

    There isn't a right answer, Star - I'm beginning to wonder if there ever was one. As with everything else over the years, I think you need to follow your heart (it's a good heart) and do what you think is right, both for you and for Dude. I think you need to remember to keep you and DF safe (physically and emotionally), and that it's ok and possibly quite reasonable at some point to just say "no". At what point is something you will know.

    I don't imagine that lump in the throat or the ache in our heart is ever going to go away when it comes to our difficult children.

    Hugs, hon.
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2009
  10. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I just want you to know I'm thinking of you - I don't have any good advice to offer. I decided to "visit" the PE forum today - difficult child 1 is almost 18... HELP!!! Sorry, this is YOUR thread, not mine. See, I told you I would be of absolutely no help. I have no experience in this area (yet). I have a nagging feeling, I'll be in a similar situation someday - I honestly don't know what to say...

    Like I said, before I started rambling, I just want you to know I'm thinking of you... All I can say, is that you have to do whatever you believe is the right thing to do... I'm sorry. Sending lots of hugs... WFEN
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I wish I had suggestions or help, Star. I struggle with this one myself. Many, many hugs...and many, many prayers.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star....get him on SSI and then find a dumpy mobile home park that he can rent a place in. I know there has to be something around down there like Cory is in. Get Dude in a place of his own. Isnt he 18 now? If so, transfer his stuff up here and move him into this park Cory is in. Only 125 a month plus electric. He will do much better living by himself around other young difficult child's. Oddly enough this has been so good for Cory. He is growing up after not living with us.
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    OMG.........I believe it is called PTSD.........and it is one of the most miserable conditions I have encountered and fight. No you don't need Abilify, you just need stability. The constant process of being subjected and reminded of past disasters, and the fear of the future, triggers this inexplicable terror that seems as real as if it is happening. I relate, and it hoovers up the ying yang.

    I am with Janet, find him a 'shack' and let him live. Or you have property, right? What about having him live in a mobile home a couple of acres away?

    Of course ideally, he would get to stay where he is. But maybe as a backup plan:smug:

    Many, many hugs girl.
  14. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Star, I'm so sorry. I know that horrible middle-of-the-night rumination thing. I really hope things work out and your son will have the chance to continue the good things that have been happening.

    Lots of hugs and good thoughts.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Thanks all -

    Janet oddly enough the meeting (this is so weird) WAS about getting him on SSI and finding him a dumpy trailer. He's not sure how he feels. Dude has problems with rejection at any level and didn't take this as a "grow up" moment - he took the meeting as a "We're dumping you" moment.

    THEY DO have apartments across town that are $165 with utilities and they are nice. Look like lil condos down in FL. Even has a small yard and drive but no garage. He said he wants that. (So he's been thinking).

    I have to keep asking myself "DID worrying help you?" no.......did it solve or stop anything? NO.......so why do you keep doing it? Ugh.......The doctor did prescribe some muscle relaxers for me. I told him I wasn't depressed I just kept having racing thoughts that I could not (thanks for the word slsh) Redirect. He asked if I slept at all - and I said "Yup, and then my brain drops a cakepan in it's kitchen and we're all up for the night and can't go back to sleep and CAN NOT turn off."

    I got Flexeril. He said it would help with my TMJ and grinding teeth too......he was right. One tiny little pill and I'm...........

    and I started this 4 hours ago so I'm going to bed.......must..........REALllllllleeeeeeeeeeee work. lol pft...yeah. NO seriously - they're very mild. :surprise:

    Thanks for the love - I needed it.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well....those apts sound wonderful! he will really like living alone once he gets his tushy in there. Good lord...I want one.

    Why havent you started the SSI yet? If you have problems I can walk you through it online. I cant see why dude wouldnt meet criteria. His medication file alone is daunting enough to scare any govt worker. If he does need a lawyer I know a good one.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, Star, I came late to this. I am glad it is about moving him to the next level ov independence and NOT about something he had done "wrong". He certainly should qualify for SSI, and that might give him some breathing room to get some job training.

    I hope the flexeril works for you. I could take 10 and not have any effect from them (and that was in high school - irresponsible doctor actually had me stay in his office and take 2 every hour to find out how many it would take to work - at 10 I refused to take any more. And I didn't feel any different than before I took them! I take a different one for spasms.)

    Anyway, I hope you can help Dude see that no one is "done" with him, but that this is another step in growing up. If a PM or email from me would help, I will happily write to my nephew.

    thank you really appreciated his message from you. It really helped him go back to school the next day. ANd it has helped him decide that he isn't going to let these jerks force him out of scouts, he is going to stay in and they can either get "over it or face Ms. Anna. 'Cause she may be short like you Mom but when she is mad she is almost as scary as you are." Direct quote. I did tell him that if he wanted I would go up and add my scary to Ms. Anna's scary. He said that probably wouldn't be needed, because after all it is BOY scouts, not boys and moms scouts. Ms. Anna is the Den leader because there wasn't a dad available the year she started, and it would be mean to kick her out, but really, it isn't a Mom activity."

    (How do you NOT crack up when your 9yo explains this to you?? I heroically kept a straight face while he was in the room and a pillow over my face while I laughed really HARD after he left.) (I also thought it might give you a little smile right now!)

    Dude may also qualify for services through Dept of Rehabilitation, and possibly grants for tech school training. I think he might be able to develop a good business fixing up people's appliances, stereo's, etc.... as well as light home repairs. He seems to be very good with his hands, and it takes a special kind of gift to do those things. And it IS a form of being gifted to be able to take a junker stereo or appliance and fix it with-o formal training. I have a strong feeling my nephew is very gifted, just not in the traditional academic way. We are so biased toward book-smart ways of being gifted, but there are so many other ways out there.

    Given some help, esp in budgeting and marketing, Dude could make a good business for himself esp in this economic times as people are fixing rather than replacing. There have been many articles about this that I have seen lately. So if we can encourage Dude to build up a clientele who he fixes things for, he could potentially be set for life. He will need some self discipline and drive though. And he has to find those himself.

    I am just so glad they didn't just throw him out onto the street! I know that would have been so hard for you!

    Gentle hugs to you, DF, and my nephew!
  18. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Ok ~ so, *technically* I don't belong here :) But, again, *technically* B is now emancipated, so ~ although he's not 18 quite yet ~ I'm free :)

    I'm very sorry that you're faced with this. I'm happy, however, they have housing/accomodations and he's getting on SSI. It sounds like things will be ok!

    Star, I was just faced with this very issue you're dealing with. B, coming out of his *fourth* Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) stay, countless interventions, financially draining us, the verbal abuse handed to my other children on his behalf. He was hauled into this Residential Treatment Facility (RTF), a state one, for violating probation (actually, that would be stealing our car with no permit or license, driving into the fields and totalling it) and after 8 months, they say "well, can he come home?". Hmm ~

    My answer was of course a huge no. And then, how convenient, they had "nowhere" to place him. Hmm....funny. My motherly instinct, of course, says bring him home. My sanity says absolutely not.

    I did. He hasn't been here a week. I regret it.

    My first instinct was to tell him tough beans ~ you did this to yourself, good luck.

    I always heard you should follow your first (gut) instinct.

    I hope you're rested :)
    Lasted edited by : Feb 2, 2009
  19. Genny

    Genny Worlds Best Nana

    Glad you have something to help you sleep. Personally, I needed an anti-anxiety medication for my PTSD. I couldn't function very well always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not on anything anymore, but it was a lifesaver for me for a while. If your inability to 'redirect' your brain is affecting your work, sleep, life in general...ask your dr about something for anxiety.

    As for Dude - sounds like they're trying to help him be independent without being homeless. I hope he sees this and works with them (rather than lashing out because he feels rejected and blowing the whole thing). Encourage him to do what he needs to in order to get himself set up in one of those apartments. Learning that he CAN be independent may just give him the shot of self-esteem that he needs.

    Crossing my fingers that everything works out (it really does sometimes, I promise!)