The scream at 3:00 in the morning? It was me. I've been thinking I was doing really well at detachment 101. Then I had Dude over last night and he has a puppy. Pootie was so hurt. I was so angry. Then the foster Dad tells us that there is a "meeting" with the caseworker and foster care today. I literally stuck my fingers in my ears. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW IF HE IS GOING TO BE HOMELESS. He's been doing "okay" according to foster Dad, but he has his moments (oh really? gosh - whoda thunk?) and he keeps thinking Dude will be cut from the program that funds his living in foster care. Um....doesn't Medicaid pay for that? (thinking I wish I knew for sure but do not) So at 3:00 AM I sit straight up and I start having these very odd feeling thoughts that won't let go - over and over and over like cycling. They don't stop. I keep thinking about them telling him at the meeting today he's out of a home. Will I have the strength to say "YOU really can't come HOME?" and mean it. Will I be able to swallow the lump in my throat and hand him the list of shelters available and watch him get put into jail for not having a permanent address? Over and over and over this stuff just rolls through my head. I even thought at one point - OMG maybe I need to get on Abilify or something? This is just awful. It's now 1:00 our time and no call from Dude or the Foster family - I have NO idea what is going to go on. We haven't gotten a hint of a court date for the jury trial that could get him 30 years in prison....and that rolls around every now and then too. If you have an idea of how or something that can make this stop I'd be willing to try it. I passed a guy just getting up from "living" under an overpass this morning and while I know that we all have choices to make in our lives and consequences to pay for our choices it just made me choke up to think that HE was someones kid too and then it hit me that HE could BE my kid in another couple of days due to program cuts and not 100% perfect compliance. OMG why all of a sudden does he have to be 100% perfect? (I guess budget cuts) but all of a sudden too - the caseworker who called us MAYBE twice a year? Is calling the foster home - 2 and 3 times a week. It's like all of a sudden he is DOING his job. Amazing. I'm all ears & tears if you have any thoughts. You just can't swallow hard enough to get a lump out of your throat when you know that having your kid come back to live with you would be CHAOS in the nth degree, but living on the street or in a shelter would make you feel even worse. Thanks for listening.