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difficult child 1 continues hostility from prison
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 632832" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Tish...have you ever gone to a twelve step meeting or seen a private therapist?</p><p></p><p>In my opinion only, and I am not you or the world, I think you should not visit him. Four hours is a long time to drive to be kicked in the face. Would he do that for YOUR birthday? Why is it different? He obviously doesn't care about you, but is all about him. Don't feel alone. Our difficult children are all that way. That is partly why they get into trouble. They think about two things "I want it and NOW" and "It's all about me." Now the caption may be cute if he were a puppy, but he's a grown man who is acting like a five year old spoiled brat.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't matter w hat happened to him in the past. He has only himself to blame for his adult choices. Period. Don't believe me? Did you ever read "A Child Called It?" by David Plezer. This man was so severely abused, it is a miracle he is alive to write his story. He actually wrote three books. This insanely abused man was in the service honorably and now g o es around helping abused children. He could have taken the turn our difficult children take, but he didn't. I guarantee you his life was worse than your difficult children. All our difficult children use "my childhood socked" to try to make us feel guilty. At this point in my life, I refuse to listen to that. If my difficult child starts up about his rotten childhood, I hang up, which I have told him in advance I will do. We have phone rules. 1/He can't raise his voice. 2/no cussing at me nor calling me female parts. 3/No blathering about 'it's all your fault.' The Consequence for violating any of those three conditions is that I halng up gently and will not talk to him for a period of time. Usually it is three days and he's much nicer. If he isn't, I hang up again. Nobody deserves to listen to abuse. My question: Why hear it? What is the up side to it? You can't reason with these difficult children. All they want from us, sad to say, is money or "mommy" type help, such as financial or our nodding dumbly and crying and telling him that YES!!! his horrible actions are all OUR faults! I'm so done with that...</p><p></p><p>Sometimes they do cut off contact with us. Does it matter? Would you rather hear him abusing you? Usually they come back when the money runs out. Often that is the ONLY time they contact us anyway. Personally, Id cut his talks with you down to once a week. I really think you'll be shocked at the peace you will experience. His problems and obligations ARE NOT YOURS. THEY ARE HIS ONLY!</p><p></p><p>If you can possibly do it, I'd go to a twelve step meeting today. They are all over. If you don't feel you can, find yourself a therapist who is there to help YOU, not him, and you WILL get through this. You will become stronger and more caring toward yourself and less intertwined with your son's drama. You have 100% control over yourself but 0% over your son. Until he has had enough of his rotten life and wants to change, he will not no matter what you say. So perhaps it is best to take care of YOU now and any of your other loved ones who value your kind heart and other positive traits. If this were not your son would you put up with this type of talk? Don't put up with it from him either. Only HE can get his head on straight and he regresses each time he speaks to you the way he did, so it is not within your power to help him.</p><p></p><p>One last night: I would not fund his jail account. "I'll just starve." What baloney. They feed you in jail. It's not the Ritz, but it's JAIL! It's a consequence for doing something wrong. Why should you send him money??? Question: Has he ever bought you a gift on your birthday that he didn't want some payback for? Does he express caring or kindness to anyone in the family? Bipolar or not, there is no excuse. I have a very serious mood disorder and was hospitalized for it so I don't believe bipolar makes you a mean jerk. Also, if you have bipolar and you don't care for it, like take your medications and NOT drink or do other drugs, you are choosing to be sick. It is your own fault. It is HIS own fault.YES< IT IS. THE ONLY PERSON AT FAULT HERE IS ONE PERSON: HIM!!!! You and your husband have nothing to do with his decision not to treat his bipolar the right way or to take drugs and get into crime. He stands alone as the guilty one.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. We are with you, holding your hand.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 632832, member: 1550"] Tish...have you ever gone to a twelve step meeting or seen a private therapist? In my opinion only, and I am not you or the world, I think you should not visit him. Four hours is a long time to drive to be kicked in the face. Would he do that for YOUR birthday? Why is it different? He obviously doesn't care about you, but is all about him. Don't feel alone. Our difficult children are all that way. That is partly why they get into trouble. They think about two things "I want it and NOW" and "It's all about me." Now the caption may be cute if he were a puppy, but he's a grown man who is acting like a five year old spoiled brat. It doesn't matter w hat happened to him in the past. He has only himself to blame for his adult choices. Period. Don't believe me? Did you ever read "A Child Called It?" by David Plezer. This man was so severely abused, it is a miracle he is alive to write his story. He actually wrote three books. This insanely abused man was in the service honorably and now g o es around helping abused children. He could have taken the turn our difficult children take, but he didn't. I guarantee you his life was worse than your difficult children. All our difficult children use "my childhood socked" to try to make us feel guilty. At this point in my life, I refuse to listen to that. If my difficult child starts up about his rotten childhood, I hang up, which I have told him in advance I will do. We have phone rules. 1/He can't raise his voice. 2/no cussing at me nor calling me female parts. 3/No blathering about 'it's all your fault.' The Consequence for violating any of those three conditions is that I halng up gently and will not talk to him for a period of time. Usually it is three days and he's much nicer. If he isn't, I hang up again. Nobody deserves to listen to abuse. My question: Why hear it? What is the up side to it? You can't reason with these difficult children. All they want from us, sad to say, is money or "mommy" type help, such as financial or our nodding dumbly and crying and telling him that YES!!! his horrible actions are all OUR faults! I'm so done with that... Sometimes they do cut off contact with us. Does it matter? Would you rather hear him abusing you? Usually they come back when the money runs out. Often that is the ONLY time they contact us anyway. Personally, Id cut his talks with you down to once a week. I really think you'll be shocked at the peace you will experience. His problems and obligations ARE NOT YOURS. THEY ARE HIS ONLY! If you can possibly do it, I'd go to a twelve step meeting today. They are all over. If you don't feel you can, find yourself a therapist who is there to help YOU, not him, and you WILL get through this. You will become stronger and more caring toward yourself and less intertwined with your son's drama. You have 100% control over yourself but 0% over your son. Until he has had enough of his rotten life and wants to change, he will not no matter what you say. So perhaps it is best to take care of YOU now and any of your other loved ones who value your kind heart and other positive traits. If this were not your son would you put up with this type of talk? Don't put up with it from him either. Only HE can get his head on straight and he regresses each time he speaks to you the way he did, so it is not within your power to help him. One last night: I would not fund his jail account. "I'll just starve." What baloney. They feed you in jail. It's not the Ritz, but it's JAIL! It's a consequence for doing something wrong. Why should you send him money??? Question: Has he ever bought you a gift on your birthday that he didn't want some payback for? Does he express caring or kindness to anyone in the family? Bipolar or not, there is no excuse. I have a very serious mood disorder and was hospitalized for it so I don't believe bipolar makes you a mean jerk. Also, if you have bipolar and you don't care for it, like take your medications and NOT drink or do other drugs, you are choosing to be sick. It is your own fault. It is HIS own fault.YES< IT IS. THE ONLY PERSON AT FAULT HERE IS ONE PERSON: HIM!!!! You and your husband have nothing to do with his decision not to treat his bipolar the right way or to take drugs and get into crime. He stands alone as the guilty one. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. We are with you, holding your hand. [/QUOTE]
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