difficult child 1 continues hostility from prison

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tishthedish, Aug 13, 2014.

  1. tishthedish

    tishthedish Active Member

    I am an idiot. Why, why, why do I harbor hope that this will get any better? I had posted that the prison visit with difficult child 1 didn't go well. I sent him a letter and then left to go out of town on a retreat. (it was wonderful) Now I am back and within days am in the full throes of emotional turmoil of my screwed up family life. While I was away my husband visited difficult child 1 in prison on his birthday. My son refused to see him. It is a 4 hr. drive round trip. My husband was heartbroken but said it was the right thing to do so difficult child 1 knew that someone wanted to be with him on his birthday.

    So difficult child 1 calls last night. He read the letter and liked my honesty. He thanked me for the birthday card. He has court this week. Small talk. Then he starts his bizarre talk about how his father emotionally froze him out as a child (untrue!) and is the Emperor (say WHAT?) and how he is on the brink of just walking away from all of us because WE are screwed up but he will try to give us another chance. Conversations with him are almost like a barrage of machine gun fire of perceived misdeeds against him. He is so mean, deliberate and so imperious in his delivery of these insults. It is very hard to hear him/understand him on the prison phone and I ask if he can write to us. I am hoping if he writes perhaps his thinking would be more ordered and I could understand what he is saying. He says he doesn't want to spend the money in the commissary on the paper, pen and stamps. Prices are inflated and the pens don't work. I fund the commissary account so it's not on his dime and I am thinking he has plenty of time. But no. He is obviously still very ill. The medicine they are giving him is not helping enough. Then at the end of the conversation he says, oh yeah, can you put $50 in my commissary account? Dazed and confused I say, "Yes, but with your court date this week let's hold off until we know if you will be released or transferred." I know that "yes" was not the answer I wanted to give and I wanted to buy some time. He agrees. Conversation over. This is a familiar pattern with my difficult child's. Wear me down, confound and confuse me and then go in for the kill....ask for $$$$$.

    Today I am livid. So the phone rings and it's him from prison again. His court date has been delayed so he tells me not to come to court. He says, now can you fund my account? I ask him flat out if that's the only reason he calls. Each time he has called he has asked for money. First je doesn't understand and says, "No, I called so you don't make an unwarranted trip". Then, he gets my gist and says "you people" are sick and have problems and are the reason I am in jail. Incredulous I say...wait, you are blaming us for being in jail? And he says yes. It is our attachment issues that put him there. Delusional. He is "trying to make his brain healthy and if I have to be a SOB to do it I will cut off all contact with you people". He also adds that he hates his father and never wants to see or speak with him again but will try with me and only me to keep a relationship. I said, "I find that problematic," and he says don't send the money, I'd rather starve and hangs up. Again, I am immobilized by my emotions. When I was away I felt good. I came home and thought "that did me some good. I feel calmer". And within days I know the difference between here and there. I was lighter there. I popped out of bed and started my day with no hesitation or reservation or demands or expectations. Here each day the preponderance of problems, obligations and expectations hits me the moment I open my eyes and just the very act of putting my feet on the floor and moving feels like a monumental effort. I know that arguing with a bipolar difficult child 1 is like arguing with a drunk, but I could no longer assuage his anger with my fake passivity. It doesn't work. He is still angry and his perception is still skewed and tamping down my feelings again and again leaves me depleted and depressed. In the last 12 hours I just got a big reality check. But I'd rather that than to keep swallowing my feelings and being emotionally frozen. Man, I am mad!
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Tish...have you ever gone to a twelve step meeting or seen a private therapist?

    In my opinion only, and I am not you or the world, I think you should not visit him. Four hours is a long time to drive to be kicked in the face. Would he do that for YOUR birthday? Why is it different? He obviously doesn't care about you, but is all about him. Don't feel alone. Our difficult children are all that way. That is partly why they get into trouble. They think about two things "I want it and NOW" and "It's all about me." Now the caption may be cute if he were a puppy, but he's a grown man who is acting like a five year old spoiled brat.

    It doesn't matter w hat happened to him in the past. He has only himself to blame for his adult choices. Period. Don't believe me? Did you ever read "A Child Called It?" by David Plezer. This man was so severely abused, it is a miracle he is alive to write his story. He actually wrote three books. This insanely abused man was in the service honorably and now g o es around helping abused children. He could have taken the turn our difficult children take, but he didn't. I guarantee you his life was worse than your difficult children. All our difficult children use "my childhood socked" to try to make us feel guilty. At this point in my life, I refuse to listen to that. If my difficult child starts up about his rotten childhood, I hang up, which I have told him in advance I will do. We have phone rules. 1/He can't raise his voice. 2/no cussing at me nor calling me female parts. 3/No blathering about 'it's all your fault.' The Consequence for violating any of those three conditions is that I halng up gently and will not talk to him for a period of time. Usually it is three days and he's much nicer. If he isn't, I hang up again. Nobody deserves to listen to abuse. My question: Why hear it? What is the up side to it? You can't reason with these difficult children. All they want from us, sad to say, is money or "mommy" type help, such as financial or our nodding dumbly and crying and telling him that YES!!! his horrible actions are all OUR faults! I'm so done with that...

    Sometimes they do cut off contact with us. Does it matter? Would you rather hear him abusing you? Usually they come back when the money runs out. Often that is the ONLY time they contact us anyway. Personally, Id cut his talks with you down to once a week. I really think you'll be shocked at the peace you will experience. His problems and obligations ARE NOT YOURS. THEY ARE HIS ONLY!

    If you can possibly do it, I'd go to a twelve step meeting today. They are all over. If you don't feel you can, find yourself a therapist who is there to help YOU, not him, and you WILL get through this. You will become stronger and more caring toward yourself and less intertwined with your son's drama. You have 100% control over yourself but 0% over your son. Until he has had enough of his rotten life and wants to change, he will not no matter what you say. So perhaps it is best to take care of YOU now and any of your other loved ones who value your kind heart and other positive traits. If this were not your son would you put up with this type of talk? Don't put up with it from him either. Only HE can get his head on straight and he regresses each time he speaks to you the way he did, so it is not within your power to help him.

    One last night: I would not fund his jail account. "I'll just starve." What baloney. They feed you in jail. It's not the Ritz, but it's JAIL! It's a consequence for doing something wrong. Why should you send him money??? Question: Has he ever bought you a gift on your birthday that he didn't want some payback for? Does he express caring or kindness to anyone in the family? Bipolar or not, there is no excuse. I have a very serious mood disorder and was hospitalized for it so I don't believe bipolar makes you a mean jerk. Also, if you have bipolar and you don't care for it, like take your medications and NOT drink or do other drugs, you are choosing to be sick. It is your own fault. It is HIS own fault.YES< IT IS. THE ONLY PERSON AT FAULT HERE IS ONE PERSON: HIM!!!! You and your husband have nothing to do with his decision not to treat his bipolar the right way or to take drugs and get into crime. He stands alone as the guilty one.

    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. We are with you, holding your hand.
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    Last edited: Aug 13, 2014
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Tish, I remember what this feels like.

    I feel so badly for you.

    MWM is right.

    An AlAnon meeting will give you in person support, but more than that, it will give you a chance to see that every difficult child says the exact same things to whoever is trying to help them. No matter how they were raised, whether there was a strong religious background or whether there wasn't, whether the parents were divorced or whether they weren't, whether the difficult child was an only child, did or did not have a pet -- whatever the conditions of their upbringing, our difficult child children will exploit our love for them, our determination to be the best parents we know how to be to hurt us, and to bend us to their will.

    It is the situation that is bad Tish.

    Not you, not husband, and not even difficult child.

    To MWM's really great take on things, I would add that your son is triangulating. His apparent hatred for husband isolates you and puts you in a more vulnerable position relative to difficult child.

    I think you and husband need to face this together and tell difficult child so.

    Like. ..no money and no nothing until you apologize to husband.

    Like. ..whatever threats or accusations he makes, "That is your choice."

    Your son is engaging in a pointless, hurtful power play where the only winner is him.

    You raised him better than to do what he is doing, Tish.

    Finally, that is what I told my son, too.

    "You were raised better than to do what you are doing difficult child. I expect you to stand up and behave as the fine, strong, ethical man your father and I raised you to be. "

    There really is nothing more than that to say, Tish. If difficult child were conducting himself as you raised him to, he would not be in this situation, now.

    Adding abusing his parents or telling lies about how he was raised is the least helpful thing difficult child could do for himself.

    Last edited: Aug 13, 2014
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I do have a somewhat differing opinion.

    I believe your son is a very sick person. From what I understand his mental illness is not in control at all and I wouldnt count on getting great treatment in jail. His statements seem to me to be delusional and somewhat paranoid. I wouldnt try to convince a crazy person of anything.

    I know you are mad and I know you want to hurt him back but maybe think about holding off on putting money on his account. Maybe decide that you will put X on his account per month and no more no matter what he asks.

    See, I know what it is like to be delusional and have people try to tell you something and you think they are wrong. Mine wasnt from mental illness but it doesnt matter.

    I was in a coma back in 08 from meningitis and when I was coming out of the coma and right after that, I had some wild delusions. I even thought I was pregnant with twins! I had lost the ability to use my legs but no one could convince me I couldnt just get up from the bed and walk to the bathroom so several times I fell down trying to get up and walk. You cant convince someone of something that they really believe.
  5. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Oh Tish, Oh Tish, Oh Tish,

    Many times I relate to what others post on this forum but your latest story beats all others for that! Your son sounds exactly like my difficult child. He got somewhat nicer while incarcerated the last time. The first time he was in jail for four days or so and got word to us not to visit. But, years down the road, when he was incarcerated about 18 months, he was okay with a visit and letters. Phone calls ...he was usually nice, but not always. But, he never felt bad about asking his wicked, uncaring parents for money for his account and books from Amazon.

    HOWEVER, between those stints of being locked up, and again, AFTER he got out the last time (about 7 years ago), what you describe your son as doing has been my difficult child's mode of operation. Oh my goodness. Totally our fault he was incarcerated. Very delusional about his childhood. In fact, his younger sister felt badly for him initially and was writing him while he was in jail. She stopped because his letters became scary delusional --- wanting her to share in his memories of their childhood. She never told us any specifics. She is a psychological examiner and does not scare easily when it comes to minds.

    We treated the other two kids way better
    We called him a "little liar" when he was six years old
    He had to earn video game time by reading
    We made him buy a used Volvo so he never learned how to date
    He ended up incarcerated the last time because we refused to send him a little bit of money ($1000)

    There are many, many more.
    I very rarely stood up to him on any of these, thinking...well, not sure WHAT i thought. Guess, i thought difficult child was messed up because he believed those things and one day he would see things clearly. If i had to do it over again, I would have been an emphatic broken record, "That never happened."

    I am so sorry. This is painful. I attribute my difficult child's hateful blame to antisocial behavior disorder, but concede there are likely other serious factors involved.

    Stay close!
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    This is for you, SS. I couldn't help laughing at what your difficult child said about his childhood. One question: Pretend all of it is true (I know it's not). Where is the abuse? Having to read to play videogames is abuse? Having a Volvo is abuse and that's why he can't date? LOLOLOL! My sons both had to drive a Taurus, share it, and the passenger door was caved in because 36 got into an accident so any "date" would have had to have climbed from the driver's side to the passenger side or climbed over the back seat. THAT 36 never thought to blame us for. Even if you called him a "little liar" once, bet every parent on earth has slipped up and called his/her kid one mean name in his entire childhood and felt guilty later. I mean, I don't know if that's delusional or a weak attempt to make you feel guilty. Of course, if it's not true, he may be gaslighting you.

    Gaslighting, in case you don't know, is a trick many antisocials and narcicists use. It is deliberately lying about something and insisting it happened to the degree that we question our own sanity. It's a form of abuse. 36 never did it, but Scott did. He told his wife that I made him pay all the bills when he was a little kid and she believed it and he insists to me that it is true. Where would he get money for bills as a little kid? But, hey, he said so therefore it must be true and he was abused...almost a child slave! Between the two of them, I'm surprised I have ANY sanity left at all.

    Seems like both of our now close to middle age men have learned to date in spite of having inadequate cars (cough, cough), although it seems they don't make good choices about who to date. On the other hand, would stable women date them? I hope you aren't offended that I found a commonality in your post and had to laugh at our "boys" who are really, technically men.

    36 just convinced my ex, who is a softhearted fool (but I can't and don't try to control him) to give him $1500 so that he could brible some goofy women he brought into his house to leave and ex did it. I'm almost laughing just as hard at ex right now.

    I have a sick sense of humor. Pardon me and I'm so sorry for hijacking the thread. I will leave this topic now.
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    Last edited: Aug 13, 2014
  7. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Gaslighting...very glad to learn this term. Yep, he does that. Gotta share this with husband.

    The car story reminds me of another one. difficult child and his sister both worked to buy their first cars. difficult child saved about $1900 and daughter saved over $3000. I DID insist he buy a used Volvo because i read it was the safest car. He bought the first Volvo he could afford (piece of junk and i never insisted that for our other two kids because that Volvo was a money pit, tho his driving it 30 miles overheated contributed, ahem). Daughter bought a spiffy looking Camaro. One day, leaving the house in a huff, he kicked her car and said, "and THIS. I will never forgive you for this".

    Granted, there was no time for dialogue. difficult child did not wait for a response. And, why would he ever stop to think that perhaps his sister saved more money? husband and i did not put one cent into either car.
  8. tishthedish

    tishthedish Active Member

    I understand what I need to do and I will do it, but still feel pain and question my judgement.But the seesaw of he loves us/he loves us not has to stop.

    MWM, this difficult child 1 was never the easiest kid because he was so socially awkward and self conscious due to Tourettes but he was sweet and very loving at one time.He would remember if there was a book you said you wanted to read or a tool my husband would say he needed to replace and yes, it would be under our Christmas tree even if we hadn't spoken about it for months. There still were incidents that made us scratch our heads, but overall he was a good and loving kid. The bipolar pulled the rug out from under all of us. He "smoked" in college but quit when all this started. Now he is anti medications. Your idea to set parameters for conversations is a good one. All we can do is try again.

    Our son doesn't call as often as yours. This last time almost 1 year went by before calls. We don't get many chances to enforce rules and have him experience consequences. BUT, I can see the wisdom in doing so. I did state that to him in a letter, but is still too ill to process or remember the rules.

    SS, the list of offenses sounds so familiar. The things are so petty. We have references going back to kids leaving him out in preschool. It is ever-changing and ludicrous. Because of our extremely limited contact I have tried to just listen and let these accusations roll off our backs but I will try your advice next time this happens.

    Janet thanks for sharing your experiences. You are so right. I am still trying to reason with him and it is physically impossible to do so. He is incapable of processing it. Since being mandated to take medications he is better, but way, way far away from well. As for hurting him back, no, never does it occur to me. I am usually so controlled in my demeanor with him, because of his irrationality. As angry as I am he is ill and did not cause or ask for this. I have the capacity to stay angry at someone for about 15 minutes. I think this is one of my problems, not advocating for myself and not being more self-protective. There are some people in my life that I really should go all "Billy Jack" on, but with my personality I suffer more than they do. I've always been like this and it is a birth family issue. I am working to change this with the help of a good therapeutic team and by going to Al-Anon and Nami meetings. As for Al-Anon, I have attended about 4 meetings and will continue. I belong there and it helps.

    Wow. Cedar you anticipated my question about the divide and conquer tactic he uses. Triangulating! My sons have always said that it's not fair that husband and I back up and support each other in our approach to raising them. It was always a head scratcher for me as husband and I both came from homes where this was SO far from the case. Our folks would bad mouth the other and make them out to be the bad guy or idiots. Early in our marriage we vowed never to do that to each other and we haven't, much to the chagrin of our difficult child's.

    MWM, the "Gaslighting" term is new to me and would apply in many cases. I'm going to be looking into that.

    Ladies, Volvos, Taurus? LOL. Our kids got a Ford Escort to share with 132,000 miles on it. Imagine the psychic pain they felt over that. And yes, they wrecked it within months. That was the last time they drove our cars. Ever.

    Thanks for the input as always. You've given me some great advice. husband and I are on the right path, but are still babies when it comes to executing some of the strategies here. We have to keep coming back to check the instruction manual.
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    HUGS! I so get the drain that their irrational thinking can cause. You are handling this situation nicely.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tish, just want you to know I'm reading along and here with you.

    Everyone has given you great advice, all I would add to the mix is to remember to take very good care of you. In addition to your other support systems, remember to nurture and nourish yourself in whatever ways work for you. It is essential to be very kind to ourselves and take very good care of ourselves as we traverse this awful landscape.

    Mental Illness brings so much pain in its wake, I am so sorry. I understand your feelings. There is so much we are powerless to change or help with. Keep yourself WELL supported, be kind to yourself, stay close to the board and give your son over to your perception of your higher power.............keeping you and your son in my prayers..........
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Tish, in reading your post plus all of the others, I just stop and think. Is there truly anything you can DO right now about your son and his viewpoints. I don't think so.

    I read your signature and you don't say there that he has a more substantive mental health diagnosis that would include paranoia and delusions. Does he have a diagnosis as such? If not, is this behavior just for show? To get a rise out of you?

    My son, who has no severe mental health diagnoses (he is a drug addict, has depression and anxiety (not severe in my opinion), has acted very hateful at rare instances, less and less so in the past six months to a year, except for a time or two.

    When he was younger he would say things like: You were so overly strict in high school and had me so scared to do anything, so I never had any fun. It's your fault that I hated high school because you made me go to a different middle school and I lost all my friends.

    I don't remember it that way at all, but I thought, well, maybe that is how he saw it, and I moved on. I thought and still think that is a bunch of excuses for what he has chosen to do since that time.

    I feel we gave both our sons a great upbringing and childhood and opportunities. Perfect? No. Very good and lots of opportunities? Yes. One of my sons took it all and ran with it, and at age 28, is a very nice young man with an advanced education, good job, great values and a chance for a great life ahead. The other did not.

    Regarding prison, how long is he supposed to be there? Regarding money on accounts (I have lots of experience with this), I used to do it a lot, put money on his account. I also sent books. I also visited. I also sent cards and letters.

    Then I found out that they use that money to barter and gamble when they play cards, which is something they do a lot in jail and prison. So I stopped putting money on the account. I haven't done that at all for the last two or three times he has been in jail.

    I stopped sending books too.

    Then I stopped visiting much at all. I tried to visit one time this last go-round but he wasn't there. I determine if I am ready to visit or not, and that guides my decision.

    I used to write him and send cards, but then the jail changed its policy and you could only send postcards. It seems that people were putting drugs in letters in all kinds of ways. So I would send postcards sometimes.

    The only times I ever received a letter from him from jail were at the beginning of each jail stint after he used his one free phone call. Oh, I forgot, I do not pay for phone calls from jail either. been there done that. No more.

    Evidently, they provide paper, envelopes and stamps for the inmates to write letters. I didn't know that for a long time, but now I do. But difficult child never writes unless he wants something. So I don't want to hear any more about writing and needing money for that.

    Little by little, I learned and each of his rationales was found without merit. In other words, it was all BS.

    Tish, you might call the jail/prison and find out what they are provided. It might be on their Website as well. Then YOU will know, when you lay awake at night and wonder.

    Even if your son has a severe mental illness, unless he is completely out of his mind, he is responsible for his behavior. That important distinction was made to me by a therapist some years ago about my now ex-husband, who had clinical depression. I thought that meant I needed to make a lot of allowances for his moods, his behavior, his irritability, his impatience, but she strongly said No. He is still responsible for his behavior, regardless.

    That was huge.

    We are all responsible for how we act, I believe. That is why I try hard (and fail) to say what I mean, but not say it mean, to everybody all the time. I try hard to be kind, gentle, pleasant, considerate. I fail. I work on this more today more than I ever have in my whole life.

    The reason is this: when I look in the mirror, I want to be proud of who I see there. If I "lose it" or do or say something I am sorry for later, I try to immediately make amends. I say I am sorry. I should not have done that. Al-Anon has taught me this, over time.

    I just told my dad I am sorry for giving him a hard time on an email blast he sent that was discounted already by snopes.com. He does this all the time, like a lot of older people do. It really bugs me when he does this, and I think it immediately identifies him as one of those old people. So I have called him out on it. It hurt his feelings, and I realized I was wrong. If he wants to do it, so be it. That's his business, not mine. I got out of my own boundaries and into his. So I told him I was sorry and I would not do that again. I said it warmly.

    It's called: Keeping our side of the street clean.

    Sometimes I am so angry and disillusioned and disappointed with difficult child, and I know I will not be able to keep my mouth shut. That is when I stay away from him. I try to see and talk with him in small doses, especially when I am feeling this way, because I don't control myself well sometimes with him.

    Tish, some things to consider:

    1. Stop putting money on his account.
    2. Write letters and cards only when you want to, or not.
    3. Visit rarely.

    You can also tell him why you are "changing your policy" on all of the above, or you can just do it. Sometimes action is all we need to do, with few or no words about our action.

    You don't need to listen to lies and bs and talk like he is dishing out. You need to think about yourself more than him. It's the 51% rule: You are at least 1% more important than he is. Your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health is your responsibility and that needs to come first.

    Warm hugs. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Thanks for sharing openly like you do. It helps us all.
  12. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Love this. This forum helps a lot with this - when posters (like myself) ask about how to respond to a difficult child's request. Collectively, you do such a great job of talking us down from an irate response. I am grateful for that because it certainly cuts down the number of regrets.
  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I think this is an excellent idea. The things provided do differ from state to state. Checking our state's doctor website, Stamps and writing supplies are not free :

    "FUNDS: Each offender has an account with personal funds that may be used to make purchases of clothing items, legal or writing supplies, small appliances, hygiene items and snacks. Special regulations have been established for depositing funds to an offenderʼs account.

    CANTEEN: The offender canteen is similar to a small convenience store and offenders may buy items from the canteen. Basic necessities such as food, soap, toilet tissue, clothing, shoes, education, medical care and dental supplies are provided by the institution. Offenders may make purchases from the canteen using their state pay and any money sent to their account from outside sources.

    How can purchases be made from the canteen?

    Each offender is allowed to make purchases from the canteen on specifically assigned days. In order to make purchases, the offender
    must have funds in their personal account at that time.

    What types of items are sold in the canteen?

    The canteen sells many items including candy, soda, snacks, radios, televisions, toiletries, postage supplies, writing materials, phone

    minutes, shoes, clothing and other personal items.

    How are canteen profits used?

    All profits from the offender canteen are used exclusively for the benefit of the offender population. Profits support educational, recreational and religious programming and pay for costs to operate the canteens."

    Inmates get $7.50 per month if they do not have at least a high school equivalency. $8.50 per month if they do. But, those funds can be garnished for things like court costs, child support, restitution, and various programs.

    I've been reading along and the stuff these "kids" complain about floors me. But you know, even if you gave them the best car and everything they wanted, they'd complain. We let our son have driving privileges to my husbands Escape. Good car, terrible mileage, and even bought a 3rd. But the car is OURS and he isn't terribly happy about that. He wanted a Xbox, he got it for Christmas. He had a computer (no internet) from the time he was 9. He basically got everything he wanted, and an allowance.

    He still throws up occasionally the time in 2nd grade when a kid accused him of throwing a rock. The whole class told the teacher it was him. He literally ran away from school and they called because a teacher had to chase him down two blocks away. To this day he has never admitted he threw the rock, swears he didn't, and blames us for not believing him. He has complained that when he wanted a new video game we'd tell him to save his allowance for it and by the time he saved enough it would be obsolete or will have been out so long he'd be a newb and it wouldn't be any fun. He complained about his curfew - which was 9 p.m. and school nights, 11 p.m. on weekends with extensions for special occasions! - and basically we were sooooo strict!

    I will at least say, while he complains when he's in a mood, he has never been verbally abusive. The one time he asked me why I was being such a b-word, I would have slapped him silly if he hadn't ducked. He's never actually hateful. But the things he comes up with to complain about - wild.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Cory doesnt blame us for anything. Go figure. He is a strange difficult child all to his own. Even when I pressed charges against him he would stand up and defend ME if someone said I was an awful mother to have done it...lol. He has had several lawyers ask him how on earth he could ever have anything to do with a parent who did that and he has told them that he darned well deserved it!

    The one who blames us for things is my oldest and some of the things he comes up with to blame us for are things that never happened. He is adamant that we left him in charge of Jamie and Cory when he was 12, Jamie was 9 and Cory was 7. He claims that Cory shot him with a BB gun. This never happened. One we NEVER left him to watch the younger boys because he wasnt capable. Two we never owned a BB gun! I have asked Jamie if this ever happened like maybe I was in the house and they went over to someone's house and he says no. There are many other things too.
  15. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Aha! "Gaslighting"! Maaaaan, have we been the recipients of "gaslighting"! Thanks, Midwest Mom, for sharing that term. I didn't know it, but will liberally apply it now! Gaslighting is the name of our difficult child's game.

    I am learning much from this group and am appreciative. Most of all, to know we're not alone. I told my husband about this group last night and said, "I cannot believe I've run into a whole group of people whose scenarios are very nearly identical to ours!"
  16. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Tish, one question. Is your son in jail awaiting trial or has he already been convicted and is now in prison?