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difficult child 1 continues hostility from prison
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 632895" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Tish, in reading your post plus all of the others, I just stop and think. Is there truly anything you can DO right now about your son and his viewpoints. I don't think so.</p><p></p><p>I read your signature and you don't say there that he has a more substantive mental health diagnosis that would include paranoia and delusions. Does he have a diagnosis as such? If not, is this behavior just for show? To get a rise out of you? </p><p></p><p>My son, who has no severe mental health diagnoses (he is a drug addict, has depression and anxiety (not severe in my opinion), has acted very hateful at rare instances, less and less so in the past six months to a year, except for a time or two. </p><p></p><p>When he was younger he would say things like: You were so overly strict in high school and had me so scared to do anything, so I never had any fun. It's your fault that I hated high school because you made me go to a different middle school and I lost all my friends. </p><p></p><p>I don't remember it that way at all, but I thought, well, maybe that is how he saw it, and I moved on. I thought and still think that is a bunch of excuses for what he has chosen to do since that time. </p><p></p><p>I feel we gave both our sons a great upbringing and childhood and opportunities. Perfect? No. Very good and lots of opportunities? Yes. One of my sons took it all and ran with it, and at age 28, is a very nice young man with an advanced education, good job, great values and a chance for a great life ahead. The other did not. </p><p></p><p>Regarding prison, how long is he supposed to be there? Regarding money on accounts (I have lots of experience with this), I used to do it a lot, put money on his account. I also sent books. I also visited. I also sent cards and letters. </p><p></p><p>Then I found out that they use that money to barter and gamble when they play cards, which is something they do a lot in jail and prison. So I stopped putting money on the account. I haven't done that at all for the last two or three times he has been in jail.</p><p></p><p>I stopped sending books too.</p><p></p><p>Then I stopped visiting much at all. I tried to visit one time this last go-round but he wasn't there. I determine if I am ready to visit or not, and that guides my decision. </p><p></p><p>I used to write him and send cards, but then the jail changed its policy and you could only send postcards. It seems that people were putting drugs in letters in all kinds of ways. So I would send postcards sometimes. </p><p></p><p>The only times I ever received a letter from him from jail were at the beginning of each jail stint after he used his one free phone call. Oh, I forgot, I do not pay for phone calls from jail either. been there done that. No more.</p><p></p><p>Evidently, they provide paper, envelopes and stamps for the inmates to write letters. I didn't know that for a long time, but now I do. But difficult child never writes unless he wants something. So I don't want to hear any more about writing and needing money for that.</p><p></p><p>Little by little, I learned and each of his rationales was found without merit. In other words, it was all BS.</p><p></p><p>Tish, you might call the jail/prison and find out what they are provided. It might be on their Website as well. Then YOU will know, when you lay awake at night and wonder. </p><p></p><p>Even if your son has a severe mental illness, unless he is completely out of his mind, he is responsible for his behavior. That important distinction was made to me by a therapist some years ago about my now ex-husband, who had clinical depression. I thought that meant I needed to make a lot of allowances for his moods, his behavior, his irritability, his impatience, but she strongly said No. He is still responsible for his behavior, regardless.</p><p></p><p>That was huge. </p><p></p><p>We are all responsible for how we act, I believe. That is why I try hard (and fail) to say what I mean, but not say it mean, to everybody all the time. I try hard to be kind, gentle, pleasant, considerate. I fail. I work on this more today more than I ever have in my whole life. </p><p></p><p>The reason is this: when I look in the mirror, I want to be proud of who I see there. If I "lose it" or do or say something I am sorry for later, I try to immediately make amends. I say I am sorry. I should not have done that. Al-Anon has taught me this, over time. </p><p></p><p>I just told my dad I am sorry for giving him a hard time on an email blast he sent that was discounted already by snopes.com. He does this all the time, like a lot of older people do. It really bugs me when he does this, and I think it immediately identifies him as one of those old people. So I have called him out on it. It hurt his feelings, and I realized I was wrong. If he wants to do it, so be it. That's his business, not mine. I got out of my own boundaries and into his. So I told him I was sorry and I would not do that again. I said it warmly. </p><p></p><p>It's called: Keeping our side of the street clean. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes I am so angry and disillusioned and disappointed with difficult child, and I know I will not be able to keep my mouth shut. That is when I stay away from him. I try to see and talk with him in small doses, especially when I am feeling this way, because I don't control myself well sometimes with him. </p><p></p><p>Tish, some things to consider:</p><p></p><p>1. Stop putting money on his account.</p><p>2. Write letters and cards only when you want to, or not.</p><p>3. Visit rarely. </p><p></p><p>You can also tell him why you are "changing your policy" on all of the above, or you can just do it. Sometimes action is all we need to do, with few or no words about our action.</p><p></p><p>You don't need to listen to lies and bs and talk like he is dishing out. You need to think about yourself more than him. It's the 51% rule: You are at least 1% more important than he is. Your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health is your responsibility and that needs to come first. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Thanks for sharing openly like you do. It helps us all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 632895, member: 17542"] Tish, in reading your post plus all of the others, I just stop and think. Is there truly anything you can DO right now about your son and his viewpoints. I don't think so. I read your signature and you don't say there that he has a more substantive mental health diagnosis that would include paranoia and delusions. Does he have a diagnosis as such? If not, is this behavior just for show? To get a rise out of you? My son, who has no severe mental health diagnoses (he is a drug addict, has depression and anxiety (not severe in my opinion), has acted very hateful at rare instances, less and less so in the past six months to a year, except for a time or two. When he was younger he would say things like: You were so overly strict in high school and had me so scared to do anything, so I never had any fun. It's your fault that I hated high school because you made me go to a different middle school and I lost all my friends. I don't remember it that way at all, but I thought, well, maybe that is how he saw it, and I moved on. I thought and still think that is a bunch of excuses for what he has chosen to do since that time. I feel we gave both our sons a great upbringing and childhood and opportunities. Perfect? No. Very good and lots of opportunities? Yes. One of my sons took it all and ran with it, and at age 28, is a very nice young man with an advanced education, good job, great values and a chance for a great life ahead. The other did not. Regarding prison, how long is he supposed to be there? Regarding money on accounts (I have lots of experience with this), I used to do it a lot, put money on his account. I also sent books. I also visited. I also sent cards and letters. Then I found out that they use that money to barter and gamble when they play cards, which is something they do a lot in jail and prison. So I stopped putting money on the account. I haven't done that at all for the last two or three times he has been in jail. I stopped sending books too. Then I stopped visiting much at all. I tried to visit one time this last go-round but he wasn't there. I determine if I am ready to visit or not, and that guides my decision. I used to write him and send cards, but then the jail changed its policy and you could only send postcards. It seems that people were putting drugs in letters in all kinds of ways. So I would send postcards sometimes. The only times I ever received a letter from him from jail were at the beginning of each jail stint after he used his one free phone call. Oh, I forgot, I do not pay for phone calls from jail either. been there done that. No more. Evidently, they provide paper, envelopes and stamps for the inmates to write letters. I didn't know that for a long time, but now I do. But difficult child never writes unless he wants something. So I don't want to hear any more about writing and needing money for that. Little by little, I learned and each of his rationales was found without merit. In other words, it was all BS. Tish, you might call the jail/prison and find out what they are provided. It might be on their Website as well. Then YOU will know, when you lay awake at night and wonder. Even if your son has a severe mental illness, unless he is completely out of his mind, he is responsible for his behavior. That important distinction was made to me by a therapist some years ago about my now ex-husband, who had clinical depression. I thought that meant I needed to make a lot of allowances for his moods, his behavior, his irritability, his impatience, but she strongly said No. He is still responsible for his behavior, regardless. That was huge. We are all responsible for how we act, I believe. That is why I try hard (and fail) to say what I mean, but not say it mean, to everybody all the time. I try hard to be kind, gentle, pleasant, considerate. I fail. I work on this more today more than I ever have in my whole life. The reason is this: when I look in the mirror, I want to be proud of who I see there. If I "lose it" or do or say something I am sorry for later, I try to immediately make amends. I say I am sorry. I should not have done that. Al-Anon has taught me this, over time. I just told my dad I am sorry for giving him a hard time on an email blast he sent that was discounted already by snopes.com. He does this all the time, like a lot of older people do. It really bugs me when he does this, and I think it immediately identifies him as one of those old people. So I have called him out on it. It hurt his feelings, and I realized I was wrong. If he wants to do it, so be it. That's his business, not mine. I got out of my own boundaries and into his. So I told him I was sorry and I would not do that again. I said it warmly. It's called: Keeping our side of the street clean. Sometimes I am so angry and disillusioned and disappointed with difficult child, and I know I will not be able to keep my mouth shut. That is when I stay away from him. I try to see and talk with him in small doses, especially when I am feeling this way, because I don't control myself well sometimes with him. Tish, some things to consider: 1. Stop putting money on his account. 2. Write letters and cards only when you want to, or not. 3. Visit rarely. You can also tell him why you are "changing your policy" on all of the above, or you can just do it. Sometimes action is all we need to do, with few or no words about our action. You don't need to listen to lies and bs and talk like he is dishing out. You need to think about yourself more than him. It's the 51% rule: You are at least 1% more important than he is. Your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health is your responsibility and that needs to come first. Warm hugs. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Thanks for sharing openly like you do. It helps us all. [/QUOTE]
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