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Parent Emeritus
difficult child 1 released from jail and now back in
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 655428" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I love this.</p><p></p><p>Tish, we just went through a time when it was almost impossible not to help with housing or money or a loan <em>or even advice.</em> But our daughter came through her recovery, and she did it believing in herself, instead of in us. The hardest part about not helping, about saying things (like, "I believe in you. You are strong and bright (or you have been hurt and are not thinking right) and / but you can do this. Give it time. I am sorry this is happening but I know you will come through it.") was, and continues to be, how it leaves us feeling about ourselves. Now that we have proof that our helping was actually preventing our children from taking the reins of their own lives, we expect it to get easier, or at least, more acceptable, to love them fiercely, but not to encourage a kind of weakness in the kids that leaves them feeling they cannot steer their own courses in life.</p><p></p><p>It helped me to remember (after learning it here) that our differently wired kids need to be parented differently. It seems to me that one of our objectives has to be trusting them strong enough that they come to trust themselves.</p><p></p><p>That kind of parenting seems to have made a difference for our children.</p><p></p><p>Our grandchildren too were edging toward "I am troubled, or sick, or otherwise unable to take my life in a positive direction." Trusting them to stand up, or trusting them to stand up again after falling apart, worked for those situations too, Tish.</p><p></p><p>It wasn't only a matter of limiting contact, but a matter of telling the truth whether it left us feeling heartless or cheap or like rotten people.</p><p></p><p>These things helped us, Tish.</p><p></p><p>Stay the course.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 655428, member: 17461"] I love this. Tish, we just went through a time when it was almost impossible not to help with housing or money or a loan [I]or even advice.[/I] But our daughter came through her recovery, and she did it believing in herself, instead of in us. The hardest part about not helping, about saying things (like, "I believe in you. You are strong and bright (or you have been hurt and are not thinking right) and / but you can do this. Give it time. I am sorry this is happening but I know you will come through it.") was, and continues to be, how it leaves us feeling about ourselves. Now that we have proof that our helping was actually preventing our children from taking the reins of their own lives, we expect it to get easier, or at least, more acceptable, to love them fiercely, but not to encourage a kind of weakness in the kids that leaves them feeling they cannot steer their own courses in life. It helped me to remember (after learning it here) that our differently wired kids need to be parented differently. It seems to me that one of our objectives has to be trusting them strong enough that they come to trust themselves. That kind of parenting seems to have made a difference for our children. Our grandchildren too were edging toward "I am troubled, or sick, or otherwise unable to take my life in a positive direction." Trusting them to stand up, or trusting them to stand up again after falling apart, worked for those situations too, Tish. It wasn't only a matter of limiting contact, but a matter of telling the truth whether it left us feeling heartless or cheap or like rotten people. These things helped us, Tish. Stay the course. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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difficult child 1 released from jail and now back in
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