difficult child 3 attacked again

[Fran]

Marguerite,"boys being boys" is the most lame excuse a parent can use for bad behavior. Where in the Y chromosome does it say brutality is acceptable if you have a penis?
Every time someone says that to me I seethe. Parents who use that excuse are morons. It is positively the largest load of horse dung excuse made.

I'm sorry for your son. It breaks my heart. Brutality is cruel and it diminishes your son's self image. Civilization says we have moved passed pack mentality. Attacking the weakest in our group is a sure sign of cruelty.

Many hugs to your son and to you.

 

[1 Day At a Time]

Marguerite,

I am so sorry that difficult child 3 and your family had to experience this event. There can never be any excuses that hold water for this type of mob violence.

I believe that your idea of the school education program promoting compassion is a wonderful idea. The school needs to step up to the plate here and educate the kids. There are plenty of good programs around - or even better, they can create their own.

difficult child experienced this problem AT school a number of years ago. He didn't tell me and you can be certain that the school officials didn't tell me - they took the path of least resistance and looked the other way. Who told me? One of his classmates, a beautiful, shy little girl. The situation was bothering her conscience - what a special little one!

husband and I went into high gear. Our community is a small, closeknit one like yours. Everybody knows everyone else's business. A blessing and a curse, according to your viewpoint at the time. We politely went to the principal of the school, offered our assistance, and asked what we could do to make this unacceptable behavior stop immediately.

The school pulled their "no bullying" program out of the closet where it was gathering dust, and presented it to all of the kids. It has definitely made a difference. Recently we were on a bus on a wonderful field trip to the Georgia coastal islands to study marshes. Another boy (who is definitely his Mom and Dad's difficult child) suddenly, with no provocation, jumped up and started pounding difficult child with both fists. The reaction of the kids on the bus was amazing. Every single kid, jumped up, surrounded the two, and the strongest boys pulled this boy off of difficult child. They took him to the back of the bus, and some of the other kids tried to calm difficult child down and help him get it together . One of the boys walked over to me and said "Don't worry Ms. M, he just does this sometimes, no one knows why , it's not difficult child's fault". I credit this to kids who are in touch with their compassion, who have developed social responsibilty, and years back... participated in this program. The school really can make a difference here - even if the incident happened off of school grounds. It's just the right thing to do.

 

[ML]

Marg,

I just read this. I'm so upset to hear this. When stuff like this happens I keep telling myself that something good will come out of it. I don't know if I'm just an ignorant optimist but I like to hope that these boys realize what they did was wrong. Why *don't* kids have more compassion? Are *we* doing something wrong as parents (I mean as in our general society). I think it's because of that fear of wanting to belong and not being the one who is getting stoned. If the receptionist's son turns around like older brother than that is one good thing. But it's not fair that our difficult children have to be the ones hurt in the process. I wish you weren't so far a way. I'd love to go walking with difficult child 3! My hearfelt prayers and good thoughts are coming down your way. Big hugs to you and family and I hope your headache is better. MicheleL

 

[Marguerite]

We rang the police this morning. Having heard nothing for 36 hours, apart from the doctor's receptionist who apologised profusely to me on behalf of her (six year old) son, we've heard absolutely nothing. Certainly no hint of an apology from any kid.

So, I called the police. "I'm new at this, what is the protocol? What should we be doing?"
The officer on duty said, "According to this, you said you didn't want to take legal action."
I replied, "I said I want this to stop. I was also told that as the offenders are only 10 or less, they can't really be charged with anything."

He told me that all the children responsible had been visited by the police that night and they all seemed genuinely very sorry that difficult child 3 had been hurt, but that "difficult child 3 started it". News to me.

At first I think this officer was dismissive, but as we talked I explained a number of things:

1) we have a history of difficult child 3 getting wounded and when we try to take action we're told "he started it". Even when we have witnesses to the contrary!

2) difficult child 3 is autistic. He is extremely law-abiding. He has been drilled to NEVER even hit back, let alone begin an unprovoked attack. We have personally witnessed difficult child 3's response to being bullied and only when extremely provoked over a long period of time, does he begin to lay into the other kid(s). Generally we take him home before he gets to the hitting back stage, and praise him for keeping his cool. So to say "he started it" when the other kids are younger and smaller - doesn't wash. But the police seemed prepared to accept this - I'm not happy.

3) I pointed out that there are now parents out there who feel their child has been unfairly singled out for police attention, because my son started something and then got injured. I said this is an erroneous view (because NOTHING justifies the injury anyway) and also devalues any punishment or any chance I have of changing the attitudes of these kids. The problems will now continue with the same excuse ("he started it") because such an excuse clearly has worked for them before.

4) I want the chance to sit down with these parents (at least; their kids too if possible) and explain that Rob is not to be hassled. He is less capable of handling bullying and this sort of group behaviour shouldn't be happening. I also explained to the cop about the accidental phone call - difficult child 3 bumped the "last call" button on his phone and I could hear what was happening. The other kids were not sounding angry, they were sounding happy and excited. difficult child 3 sounded calm, with only an occasional word such as, "no", and "okay". This did not sound like difficult child 3 starting anything.

The cop was by now sounding a lot more supportive and said he would get the constable who dealt with the matter to call me this evening. He said he himself would make sure he talked to this constable at handover.

husband & I then talked to difficult child 3. I was by now concerned because difficult child 3 HAS been asking me questions like, "If someone calls me four-eyes, it is appropriate for me to reply with, 'Can't you count?'"
I keep reinforcing, "If someone is insulting you, do not let them see it upset you. Instead, do not signify it with a response but just walk away, maybe smiling and shaking your head at their stupidity."
I was now concerned that difficult child 3 may have deliberately gone looking for these kids to practice his 'anti-bullying techniques' on them.

So we questioned him. Carefully - it's so easy to re-write a different 'truth' if you don't ask the questions the correct way. I did ask, "Did you actually go looking for these kids, so you could practice your ability to verbally respond to their calling you names?"
He said, "No, I do go looking to see where they are, so I can make sure I'm not where they are."
We then talked about how being "in their territory", even if it's just to determine the safe distance, is dangerous. Mind you, they're not entitled to a territory but since they're taking one, he has to learn to stay well away and not even check to see where they are. I gave him the analogy of a boy needing to walk through the jungle from one village to another - halfway along the path is a big white tree which marks the territory of a man-eating tiger. A sensible boy will find a different way to the other village, well away from that big white tree. because the tiger is hungry, it's only doing what tigers do. You can't reason with it.

Then we got down to facts. "Tell me what happened."
he couldn't tell us the detail we needed, so I took a risk. "The police say that the other boys said you started it. Is there any way in which you might have started it?"
difficult child 3 looked exasperated and annoyed. "All I said was, 'Go away'."
"When did you say that? Did you walk up to them and say it?"
No. I had been looking to see where they were, but they weren't there. Then I was in the park and they were just coming in, they said something I can't remember, it might have been 'There he is,' and I said, "Go away, I want to be on my own.'"

Now I know that difficult child 3 can't invent something as complex as that. Nor would he - he was happy to admit his part in throwing things back once it started. he was also happy to give them credit for stopping when they drew blood, so he's not into making them look bad and him look good.

And even if he were - NOTHING justifies a gang of kids attacking another kid.

I remember that accidental phone call - those kids were not attacking out of revenge. There was no anger in their voices, just excitement./ And difficult child 3's voice betrayed no anger or sign he's been pushed to his limits. He sounded calm as if trying to calm an angry dog. And that was a full half hour before he came home - and it was right on the time when difficult child 3 SHOULD have brought himself home, by his usual pattern of behaviour. It was beginning to get dark and he had things he wanted to do before dark, such as feed the hens.

I've been told I can get the police youth liaison involved. I intend to. I do not want retribution, I do want a solution. If I do nothing now, difficult child 3 will continue to be more scared and more reluctant to leave the house. And the other parents will feel that my son is a danger and to be feared - how will this help?

Oh, did I mention that husband & I found the log? It's huge and knobbly, a bit of a tetrahedron in shape, like caltrops only log-sized. I'm amazed he didn't have a fractured skull, or a much worse laceration. I want those parents to see that log, to see what could have happened.

They also need to know what this has done to his emotional and social development - it has set him back. I'm not happy. Not happy at all. I was almost at the point of nailing my Wittenbergian thesis to the telegraph poles around town, along with photos of the damage, and the log. But it probably wouldn't help.

I'll keep you all posted on what happens from here. I should be hearing from that cop in another three hours at the latest.

Marg

 

[AllStressedOut]

I'm so sorry difficult child 3 is going through this and what you're having to do to get help. I've been thinking about how our difficult children are affected by other peoples ignorance and I wish there were a simple solution like making up a bunch of t-shirts with an explanation of our difficult children diagnosis and all that comes with it. Then I think how awful it would be to be branded like that every day. Then I go back to thinking how great it would be if you could tell something was wrong and what it was, just by reading their shirt.

difficult child 3 did not deserve to be attacked and I'm amazed from your earlier description of the log that it didn't do more damage. Poor guy! Much of how he acts, looking to see where they are so he can avoid them, telling the kids to go away when they come near, sounds so much like my oldest difficult child. It breaks my heart to think of what yours is going through.

I hope you find some resolution to this with the parents and kids. Maybe if you spoke with the receptionist friend she could set something up with the other parents? I hope things get better! Ya'll are in my thoughts.

 

[Marguerite]

It's after midnight now. The cop came on duty at 6 pm, he goes off duty at 3 am. Then he's been posted to APEC, so we're going to be down a lot of cops in our area until all the dignitaries go back home.

If he rings now, I'll be amazed. If I get a chance in the morning, I'll try again, but also try to get in touch with the Police Liaison Officer.

Today when i managed to get difficult child 3 out in the neighbourhood with me, looking for safe houses, I noticed how stiff and tense he was. A puppy from a neighbour's was trotting along. difficult child 3 has walked this dog for the neighbour, but wouldn't bend down to pat the dog, he was too nervous. After we'd talked to a few neighbours and discussed safe houses, I got difficult child 3 to knock on the door of his friend's house, but nobody was home. As he was coming back out of the gate, another small white puppy was trotting along. It saw difficult child 3 and turned to approach him, clearly wanting to 'talk', but as puppy got closer difficult child 3 just stood there, not moving. Puppy stopped, backed away ten turned and ran. I told difficult child 3 to squat down to puppy's level and let it sniff his hand, but it was too late by then - his body language had scared the little dog.

This is so unlike difficult child 3. He loves dogs, is good with them although sometimes a little shy. But never like this. He is one scared kid and I'm so angry, not only at the physical and emotional damage done, but the apparent attitude of, "We can't prove he didn't start it, so we're not going to do anything more." It's almost as if they're saying he deserved this. And what are these parents thinking? I know a lot of them, they are good people. Do THEY think my son deserved this? They really have no idea, the cops don't know just how big this log was (the ambo had guessed difficult child 3 was exaggerating, the 'stick' was probably only an inch or two thick - we know now it was about 6" thick and 2' long). And I can't even set the record straight, as things stand.

Then a neighbour who I'd tried to introduce difficult child 3 to, as part of the safe house - we know her from church but difficult child 3 won't recognise her until he sees her at her house - she rang. Very supportive, lovely lady. But the news that down in the village a friend of mine saw some kids (older than the ones who attacked difficult child 3, we think) throwing old furniture into the creek below her guesthouse. She went down to the water's edge to stop them and they attacked her with sticks. Her husband came to the rescue and the thugs attacked him too. I don't know if the police were called - I want to ring her, find out how they are and if she reported it. The police have to help us - this is ridiculous.

We're going to the train track tomorrow, well away from the bullies. But there are other kids there, it will be interesting to see how difficult child 3 mixes with them this time (or not). He's got on OK with them in the past, but he's extra anxious right now.

I guess the cop won't ring now. I'd better get to bed - tomorrow is going to be a busy, tiring day.

Marg

 

[TerryJ2]

Marguerite, it sounds like you're handling this very constructively. I am so sorry it has set back your difficult child. Sigh. But walking around the neighborhood and finding safe houses is a good idea. And I would definitely encourage the neighbors to report their assault. There is no reason NOT to report it! And the more assaults the police have on record, the more they will realize there is a problem. It will also help unite those neighbors who are affected by it.
You're a good mom.

 

[ML]

You are doing everything you can, Marg. I just wish you didn't have to go through this. You know my son, despite adhd (and odd at home) is very shy and never "hits" back when the boys wrestle with him at school. I've seen it, he just sort of puts his hands on his head to protect himself. He is just so afraid all the time. He is hyper sensitive to things and says "so and so beats up on me" when I know it's simply they are "normal" active boys who push and wrestle. I've seen the boys do it to each other but difficult child never had brothers or cousins growing up to learn that with. I think if he were every truly attacked like your difficult child 3 it would tramatize him significantly.

Thank you for keeping us up to date with this. How is he doing today?

Hugs,

MicheleL

 

[Liahona]

I think you are doing the right thing pushing for a solution. If you don't stand up for difficult child 3 they won't stop and it'll get worse. Is there an agency to call when those kids are out after dark harrassing people and cars? It might take multiple calls to get anything done. But eventually they'll do something because you'll build up a history with them. Good luck, I know you can do it. Don't think that not complaining because they're kids is being mercifull. Those kids need to learn better from someone, and they aren't learning it at home.

 

[Marguerite]

We were advised that pressing charges would not work, for a number of reasons:

1) the perpetrators are 10 years old, too young to be charged.

2) the constable I spoke to yesterday pointed out that difficult child 3, being autistic, would be discredited as a witness.

I also was concerned about going down that path - sometimes a kid ends up with a record and still doesn't get the help he needs. I'm going to try the path of communication and education. I've been given the name of the Police Youth Liaison Officer, I'm going to call her and ask her to help with mediation and to see if there is some sort of longer-term strategy that can be put in place.

The only agency we can call, is the cops. A noisy party - call the cops. Kids blowing up letterboxes - call the cops. A bloke found bashed and unconscious on the wharf - call the cops. And the ambulance.

We have a couple of ambos who live in the village, they come home on call but off duty, bringing their equipment with them. In a local emergency these guys get called first. It was one of these blokes who turned up to help difficult child 3. He's the one who looked at the wound and said, "It probably wasn't really a log, I'd say it was just a stick about 2" in diameter that did this." He's also working as a part-time carpenter on mother in law's house, next time he's there I'm taking down a photo of the log.
But the cops still don't know that it was worse than we thought.

Today we persuaded difficult child 3 to come out with us - he was reluctant because he said his leg still hurts, plus his head does too. I said that I'm also not well, plus his cousin was really tired after an overnight flight across the country, and SHE was coming. So he came along. We left the train track early - he spent the morning playing Nintendo DS with two other boys there, who often play with difficult child 3 - no problems. We then went to the beach for a picnic and difficult child 3 went to play on the equipment with a lot of other kids - all strangers. I watched him from a distance - he made no attempt to interact, he just climbed on the frames or sat on a swing, playing by himself. Other kids played nearby and they all ignored each other. But there were also no problems.
I do think the outing helped, though. As we were driving home we passed his friend and his mother, walking home. I reminded difficult child 3 that his friend has been really worried for him and would benefit from seeing him, to be sure he was OK. So after he did his chores, he walked himself around to their house - right past the end of the street where these bullies were attacking him. He was not game to go alone yesterday, but he's seen how empty the streets are right now - it looks like all the kids have been grounded.

He wasn't home as it began to get dark so I walked there myself, to make sure he was OK and to bring him home. Turns out, friend's mother was getting ready to feed difficult child 3 some dinner, along with her son. I thanked her but brought him home - he has a routine we need to stick to, it's a school day tomorrow.
She did tell me, though, that she went to see one of the parents of one of the attackers. This woman was mortified, apparently. Turns out I helped her with her daughter, in getting access to support funding. She more than most has a good understanding of difficult child 3, and THIS happens, her son involved! My friend told me that this mother at least gave no hint of thinking difficult child 3 had started it - and even if he had, this was unwarranted.

A lot of these parents are good people. There is another parent who I also helped, in a similar way. Another who does a lot of good volunteer work with the school. Another who works hard in the health areas in the local community. So how can this happen? Because children in this age group are not only easily led, but the standards that should be set and supervised are not being reinforced properly. I do blame the school, at least in part. These kids have been running wild not only in the street, but at the school. Nothing seems to be done to really try to resolve or improve the situation, instead the school will only punish. IF the kids get caught. Too often, the school has been blaming the victim which teaches the bullies that they are doing things right. It also silences the victims.

If a victim is voiceless in any way, nothing is done to sort things out because the claim is, "We can't be sure who the perpetrator is," and so they never investigate or try to supervise more closely.
For a number of years, small girls in Kindergarten were getting molested by boys in the senior classes. These poor little girls had no way to identify their attackers - they simply hadn't been at the school long enough to identify them, and so NOTHING WAS DONE to investigate. Next year, it happened again. I know it happened at least two consecutive years, but it may well be more because it was all hushed up.

difficult child 3 has also been voiceless, due to his difficulty in recognising other people/kids, especially out of context. Plus he could always be 're-educated' if questioned the wrong way and told he had to doubt his own observations.

I'm asking for mediation, to sit with the families and these boys, show them the photos and explain why not only this is wrong, but how much harm it can do not only to others but also to themselves.

The school fair is coming up in a couple of months. I'm hoping to have enough solution in place by then, for difficult child 3 to be much safer this time. We'll still shadow him, but hopefully with less problem.

I'll let you know how I get on with the police during the working week.

Marg

 

[1 Day At a Time]

Marguerite,

Please do keep us in the loop of what happens in your community regarding this situation. I personally believe that a true measure of a culture is the way those in the culture with little or no voice are treated. I have much sadness regarding this issue in my culture - we have so far to go! This starts at home and most definitely with our children. Ten years old is definitely not too young - in fact - it may be almost too old. But I'm an optimist and I believe that it is never too late to start an educational process.

The time I was most proud of easy child was when a neighbor called me to thank me for something he was doing. At the time we had many kids on our street - all of them around the same age. Big groups of them would walk to school together every morning. By the luck of the draw, most of the kids were boys - and my neighbor had a daughter. She thanked me because she said easy child was the only kid who would walk with her daughter and talk with her. She was feeling very ostrasized because, she was a girl!

The shoe is on the other foot now, though, I know that all of those guys are kicking themselves. The neighbor's daughter has grown into a knockout beauty who spends summers in Milan modeling and is in college in L.A. trying to kickstart her acting career. Who knew?

I've never been a big fan of big groups of kids. Some kids who are quite nice one on one change into a different person when they get into a large group with their peers. It seems like the lowest common denominator takes over and takes charge of everyone in the group. So often the negative qualities have the most strength. It's often not a pretty situation.

I think it is up to the adults in the community/culture to ensure that this well known quality in children is now allowed to manifest itself. "Boys will boys" and "I had to deal with it when I was young, it made me tougher" just doesn't fly. Kids need to be kept occupied and busy. They also CAN be taught to know what empathy is - we all know that it just doesn't come naturally. When difficult child was in the 5th grade his class spent all year studying about "personal qualities". They had 7 personal qualities to study, such as persistence, goal setting, being a friend, etc. They wrote little screenplays and made very professional videos of the screenplays. (One of the parents is a film maker and he worked with them). At the end of the year, they had a "screening" of their videos with most of the community present. They had also painted a huge mural with each of the "qualities" portrayed. I personally believe that this course of study has made a huge difference for these kids. No one preached to them, they investigated the subject matter for themselves and had fun while they did it. O.K.... off of my soapbox for now :smile:

I am thinking good thoughts that there is a positive solution to this frightening experience and that your community can be healed!

 

[ML]

Oh Marg I'm so glad that things are happening. This was my highest hope for this siutation. I'm still very sad for difficult child and want to reach across the computer and give him tons of hugs. I think that he will flourish with the way you are handling this. Major kudos to you down there xo