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difficult child and life
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 576165" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Nancy, I am so sorry you have to watch her go through all of this. she is truly blessed, not lucky, to have parents who are still willing to keep trying to help her learn to manage her life. </p><p></p><p>I know how badly you want to help her and have her make good decisions. I doubt highly that whatever plan she brings to you will be anything close to the truth. If you want to help, you have to be far more involved than is healthy for either you or her. A good credit counselor could help, but I don't know if she could stick to the plan. The good thing about credit counseling is you tell every creditor who calls to call the agency, but the bad thing is if you give them any money outside the agency, you can be dropped and all agreements with creditors are null and void. You also cannot have ANY credit accounts, payday loans, etc... I don't thing difficult child is ready for it. </p><p></p><p>I would insist that you and difficult child run her credit reports from all bureaus BEFORE you give or promise a single penny. Then you and difficult child should contact the most urgent creditors TOGETHER with the phone on speaker so that you can verify that she actually did make a plan and it is what you said it was. I would not believe a WORD of what she says unless you hear it from the creditor. </p><p></p><p>You already know she lied on the comm service. You also know she is lying when her lips are moving. I know it is HARD, probably the hardest thing, to watch her implode this way, but until she truly hits bottom, which may be jail or some other really ugly thing, she is NOT going to change and is NOT going to tell you the truth and is NOT going to stick to ANY plan that you make with her. I know you want to help her, and that she is very very young. But honey, she doesn't WANT to change. She wants you and husband to think she is changing so that she can continue to drink and party and do whatever she wants. It is what it is. She may hate her life, but until she hates it enough that she is motivated to come to you and beg for help, and she has started to find other resources for help, and has started to take advantage of those resources, she doesn't hate it enough to really want to change.</p><p></p><p>I have known a LOT of addicts, and known what they do not tell their folks. Most were in this sort of situation constantly/chronically. Sure, they had good hearts, and often good intentions, but they had no real intention of following through with things, and wehn they had real intentions of following through? As soon as they didn't have that next fix, those intentions were smothered by the need for the fix.</p><p></p><p>What difficult child is telling you is not the truth. I don't care what it is. Any and EVERY penny you give her will go to her addictions. You will lessen the pressure of the wolf at the door, and that gives her something to celebrate! So she will party. Or she will be upset and thus need to drown her sorrows. I know it is hard. I cannot think of much that would be harder, other than watching her in this situation for decades with her own children. </p><p></p><p>If you are going to help her, please insist on seeing her credit report. Make SURE you know what you are getting into. I am sure there are WAY more than just these two creditors who are hounding her, and it might be easy money to invent another just to get more money from you. I do realize she needs tools to survive, but until she is clean she isn't going to be able to truly learn any new tools or to use them. regardless of the reasons for her problems other than sub abuse, until the sub abuse is dealt with and she is clean/sober, her brain simply isn't gong to be capable of learning these new life skills. If she does somehow manage to learn them? Once she is clean/sober her brain will very likely be unable, incapable really, of accessing them unless she is drunk/high. It is an odd brain quirk that if you learn something while using, often you will need to be using to really use that knowledge. I knew a LOT of people who would study while high, but take tests sober. They always flunked. One of them took a test high because he forgot about it and did very very well. Why? He learned the info while high, and he couldn't access the info unless his brain was in that same state. It sounds odd, but I asked a couple of doctors and professors and all of them said that it is actually very common. The brain learns something while altered and gets used to being altered. If it isn't altered, it cannot use the info and lessons. So it has to be altered to do well, or to relearn the lessons/info while sober to use them while sober.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 576165, member: 1233"] Nancy, I am so sorry you have to watch her go through all of this. she is truly blessed, not lucky, to have parents who are still willing to keep trying to help her learn to manage her life. I know how badly you want to help her and have her make good decisions. I doubt highly that whatever plan she brings to you will be anything close to the truth. If you want to help, you have to be far more involved than is healthy for either you or her. A good credit counselor could help, but I don't know if she could stick to the plan. The good thing about credit counseling is you tell every creditor who calls to call the agency, but the bad thing is if you give them any money outside the agency, you can be dropped and all agreements with creditors are null and void. You also cannot have ANY credit accounts, payday loans, etc... I don't thing difficult child is ready for it. I would insist that you and difficult child run her credit reports from all bureaus BEFORE you give or promise a single penny. Then you and difficult child should contact the most urgent creditors TOGETHER with the phone on speaker so that you can verify that she actually did make a plan and it is what you said it was. I would not believe a WORD of what she says unless you hear it from the creditor. You already know she lied on the comm service. You also know she is lying when her lips are moving. I know it is HARD, probably the hardest thing, to watch her implode this way, but until she truly hits bottom, which may be jail or some other really ugly thing, she is NOT going to change and is NOT going to tell you the truth and is NOT going to stick to ANY plan that you make with her. I know you want to help her, and that she is very very young. But honey, she doesn't WANT to change. She wants you and husband to think she is changing so that she can continue to drink and party and do whatever she wants. It is what it is. She may hate her life, but until she hates it enough that she is motivated to come to you and beg for help, and she has started to find other resources for help, and has started to take advantage of those resources, she doesn't hate it enough to really want to change. I have known a LOT of addicts, and known what they do not tell their folks. Most were in this sort of situation constantly/chronically. Sure, they had good hearts, and often good intentions, but they had no real intention of following through with things, and wehn they had real intentions of following through? As soon as they didn't have that next fix, those intentions were smothered by the need for the fix. What difficult child is telling you is not the truth. I don't care what it is. Any and EVERY penny you give her will go to her addictions. You will lessen the pressure of the wolf at the door, and that gives her something to celebrate! So she will party. Or she will be upset and thus need to drown her sorrows. I know it is hard. I cannot think of much that would be harder, other than watching her in this situation for decades with her own children. If you are going to help her, please insist on seeing her credit report. Make SURE you know what you are getting into. I am sure there are WAY more than just these two creditors who are hounding her, and it might be easy money to invent another just to get more money from you. I do realize she needs tools to survive, but until she is clean she isn't going to be able to truly learn any new tools or to use them. regardless of the reasons for her problems other than sub abuse, until the sub abuse is dealt with and she is clean/sober, her brain simply isn't gong to be capable of learning these new life skills. If she does somehow manage to learn them? Once she is clean/sober her brain will very likely be unable, incapable really, of accessing them unless she is drunk/high. It is an odd brain quirk that if you learn something while using, often you will need to be using to really use that knowledge. I knew a LOT of people who would study while high, but take tests sober. They always flunked. One of them took a test high because he forgot about it and did very very well. Why? He learned the info while high, and he couldn't access the info unless his brain was in that same state. It sounds odd, but I asked a couple of doctors and professors and all of them said that it is actually very common. The brain learns something while altered and gets used to being altered. If it isn't altered, it cannot use the info and lessons. So it has to be altered to do well, or to relearn the lessons/info while sober to use them while sober. [/QUOTE]
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