difficult child and school. Hoping I didn't make a big mistake

[Californiablonde]

So difficult child reluctantly started school where I work last Wednesday. So far she is not having a good time of it. She has not met any friends yet, which I told her takes time, but she is missing her old friends at her old school. She does not like her classes. There is one teacher that she likes who she says has a great sense of humor, but other than that she says her classes are all boring. Her other classes at her other school were apparently more fun. She was allowed down time and was able to play cards with other students. Here at this new school she is actually made to work, which she is not used to. She absolutely hates her PE teacher. Can't say I blame her for that one. I have had many complaints from other parents who say he is too strict and has been known to sometimes not follow doctor's notes when a student is unable to participate. difficult child tells me the teacher yells at her and it stresses her out. She is making me feel guilty for moving and putting her here.

easy child is having a better time at his new school. He likes it and has already made a big group of friends. He eats lunch with them every day and he seems to be doing well. I am trying to get difficult child to stay in the cafeteria and socialize more so she will meet new friends but she wants to come to my office and hang out with me instead. My lunch time overlaps her lunch, so there is about a half hour where I am gone to lunch and she wants to hang out at my desk while I'm gone. My coworker/supervisor told her to leave the other day while I was gone. I am worried having her where I work is gonna cause problems. I am hoping difficult child learns to adapt to the school quickly. I feel bad now for making her leave the other school. It took her months to get acclimated to the other school and to meet friends. She was finally starting to get used to it over there then I had to go and change everything (which she never lets me forget.) So hoping I didn't make a mistake here but now it's too late so I guess we both gotta learn to live with it and make the best of it.

 

[DDD]

Is she paying more attention to her hygiene now she is at the new school? Although I never had to change schools and was blessed to be a easy child, I always felt badly for new students. I put myself out there to try to help them but since it is the end of the year it likely is more difficult. When my difficult child#2 was in high school he was allowed to go to a Special Education room after he had eaten his lunch which really helped him as he never has had friends. Many decades ago at my high school all students were allowed to go to the library (now, of course, called the media center) after lunch. I hope you come up with a solution because I don't think it's in her best interests to join you...and likely not in your best interests either.

How absolutely wonderful that your son is adapting happily. That is absolutely terrific. Hugs DDD

 

[SuZir]

Glad to hear your son is doing fine. That certainly is a relief.

Thean again, your daughter. Not liking a new school after a week is to be expected. It takes time to make friends, especially when you change schools mid semester. It is of course hard for her and I understand well, that you feel bad for her. And it is goos that you let her know you sympathize how difficult it is for her. But don't let her use your pity against you. That she was allowed not to work and just play cards last school wasn't doing her any favours. Neither is letting her come to your desk. Tell her that she can only come to see you, if she has legitimate reason, only when you are there and not to hang out there. And tell your co-workers to treat her like any kid that would try to come and sit on staff's desk while they are away. I'm sure that is not allowed. Shouldn't be allowed to her either. it would help her more to try to help her find ways to get friends. Do your school has any peer mentor program or other to help new students to find their place? Do guidance counsellor or Special Education have any suggestions? I'm sure she is not the first kid to have these kinds of issues in your school.

oh, and hating a gym teacher is good. There is no better way to fit in than whine with your classmates what an twit your gym teacher is. One of those global truths

 

[Californiablonde]

Hygiene has not improved since starting the new school. I had a talk with her about washing her hair and how it not only reflects badly on her, but it reflects badly on me. She doesn't care. Says it's stupid for me to feel like I look bad for not making her wash her hair. She just doesn't get it. I am lucky if she washes her hair twice a week. I am thinking about dying her hair so it will dry it out more cause her hair really does get oily very quickly. I am the same way. I have to wash my hair every single day. And as far as mentoring we used to have freshman mentors but I think they did away with it this year. We have plenty of clubs difficult child can join but she has absolutely zero interest in them. It's like she's doing her best not to make friends, which I don't get.

 

[DDD]

Has she ever gone to a beauty salon? Just an idea. Could be that a professional wash once a week would be a hit with her and most people can survive with one thorough scalp scrub. Also it you guys are going into the pool often with the chlorine in the pool the hair should dry out.

I need to get to work, lol, instead of brainstorming about difficult child's head! LOL DDD

 

[Californiablonde]

She needs to wash her hair every single day unfortunately, so taking her to the hair salon once a week wouldn't do it for her. And her lack of hygiene is just going to make it harder for her to meet new friends, which I told her, but she just doesn't care. She has had friends in the past who didn't care that her hair was dirty so she thinks it's okay now. I don't know what to do to motivate her.

 

[SuZir]

We have plenty of clubs difficult child can join but she has absolutely zero interest in them. It's like she's doing her best not to make friends, which I don't get.

That could be anxiety. It sounds like she has very low self-confidence and -worth and pessimistic world view. Trying your darn butt off and giving everything to make friends and then failing hurts incredibly badly. If you don't try, you are saved from that hurt. We have a popular modern saying here, "keep your jack (as a device to raise a car.)" It comes from old tv sit-com. Protagonist had a flat tire middle of nowhere. There was one farm house nearby. When he tried to change a tire, his jack broke. He decided to walk to the farm house to borrow a jack. When walking he started to think that maybe there wouldn't be anyone home. Or maybe they didn't have a jack. Or maybe they had, but would charge a rent. or not help at all. And so on. When he came to the house, he threw a stone through the window, screamed that you can keep your darn jack and stomped away and started to walk towards a city.

I think your difficult child may be screaming "keep your jack" from the top of her lungs right now. Mine have done that a lot, still does. Not a very successful strategy unfortunately, but I do understand that there are times when you don't have much strength or courage to anything else.

 

[TerryJ2]

It could be anxiety, or it could be passive-aggressive.
And a week isn't bad in regard to not having new friends. It takes time.
Still, a few will say "hi" and be friendlier. Can you approach a cpl of the teachers via email and ask them to assign projects with-partners? That helps sometimes. Assuming that the other person actually participates.

 

[HaoZi]

If you can't get her to wash it, can you get her to use some of that spray in dry shampoo sometimes? It's tricky to get the hang of at first, but easier than daily fights over washing. And maybe you can sneak in at night while she's sleeping and spray her hair LOL.

 

[Californiablonde]

That's a great idea Haozi. I never even knew they made spray in dry shampoo. I will need to look for it the next time I go to Target!

 

[HaoZi]

Use small amounts, and only at the roots, then brush it through. I've never quite got the hang of it myself, but the people I know that have gotten the hang of it love the stuff.

 

[Californiablonde]

I might even use some of it myself. Washing my hair every single day is a pain in the butt. I wish I could get away with every other day but my hair is too dang oily.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I can tell you how to get so that you can wash it less often... but I doubt you'd be able to handle the process.

 

[buddy]

I was thinking what haozi said....i even think Suave has come out some so out may cost less.

 

[HaoZi]

They do. I don't recommend it.

 

[svengandhi]

Try Pssst! My mom used it on me 40 years ago when I had ear tubes in and we were told not to get water in my ears. I hadn't thought about it in decades and then Superstorm Sandy knocked out our shower for 2 weeks. I found it in the drugstore and it was great.

We moved oldest boy from the district HS to a small alternative school for Aspies in 10th grade. He cried every day for 6 weeks and then began bargaining to go back to his old school. Eventually, he adjusted and now most of his friends are from the school. He graduated 5 years ago.

Good luck.

 

[DammitJanet]

I do have several ideas here for once!

On the oily teen hair. Dye it one shade darker or lighter unless she particularly wants a different shade. It will make the hair much dryer. I had to do this several times with Jamie in HS because he had really oily hair in HS and if I hadnt done that he would have had to wash his hair daily which would have been a pain. Well I actually started it in Jr High when he still had his very long hair so it was much harder to wash than his short cropped hair. That long hair was hard to wash and he could go 3 days between a wash once I dyed it.

Also you can use those new waterless spray in hair washes or you can just brush in baby powder. It works much the same way. Now the day after using that you do need to do a wash.

I also use going to a place like Fantastic Sam's once a week and get my hair washed once a week. I do it because I simply cannot wash my hair well using a plastic cup in the bathtub and get all the soap out well. I dont have access to a shower so I go to Fantastic Sam's and they just wash it for me and most of the time they just towel it dry enough for me to leave the store without it being sopping wet. If its really cold they will blow it dry enough so Im not walking out to have a a cold head and it is not expensive at all. I pay $5 for a wash.

If all else fails, there is always bribery. Find out what her currency is and offer her a reward for hygiene. Doesnt have to be a big reward, just something small. Maybe something small each week that at the end of the month could end up in the total thing. Im sure you can figure it out.

 

[Mattsmom277]

I have a foam type waterless shampoo. It smells amazing. I buy it at Walmart. You simply put it in your hand (think styling mousse), apply toward roots. Use a comb or brush and give hair a good brushing. Then use a dry towel and gently wipe from root to tip. Then brush again. It removes oils and doesn't disguise hair odor, it actually cleans like shampoo and leaves it fresh and pretty smelling. It takes literally a couple of minutes from start to finish.

 

[DammitJanet]

Dang I need that Mel!

 

[HaoZi]

Just remember if you dye her hair she'll need special shampoo and the chlorine in the pool could also do weird things to the color. And she'll need yet another shampoo to get the chlorine out of her hair right after the pool (L'oreal actually makes a great one for kids, look for it in the kids shampoo section during summer).