Sometimes the line between a normal kid and a difficult child blurs into invisibility.
I hear you, with your concerns for your 3 year old. I also hear your concerns (and Sara's) about the likelihood of the symptoms you're studying, showing up in the people in your life (including yourself). However, you may have reason to be concerned. or you may not.
Just keep an eye on how she's going. And something you CAN do - deal with what you see, as you see it. For example, what you're already doing, with trying to avoid her being tired and the family still out. You just need to take this principle a few steps further.
I know she's technically a easy child at this stage, but a easy child can still be helped with "explosive Child" techniques. If you've been reading on this site you will know this is a book we recommend a lot, with good reason. The books is by Ross Greene, and is very useful in helping you plug in to the child's needs and finding ways of helping the child, when more traditional parenting/discipline techniques only seem to make things worse.
I was technically a easy child, but I really wish my mother had used Explosive Child" techniques on me. I was NEVER explosive because it wasn't permitted, but as a result I was controlled so tightly (as were my siblings) that I had absolutely no idea how to make my own decisions and to live my life independently, when I finally had to leave home.
"Explosive Child" works by shortcutting the steps to independent responsibility. A lot of conflict between parent & child occurs around the child wanting to make decisions and the parent needing to control the child, often as a matter of safety or consideration of others. The techniques make it easier to know when to step in, and when to step back. It also helps by being adaptable to whatever you are doing already that IS working.
There is some really good discussion of this at the top of this particular forum. Have a sneak peek, see what you think. For a psychology student especially, I think you'll find it very interesting.
If your child later on develops enough symptoms to warrant a diagnosis of something, it still will have helped you to have something in place to help you better manage any behaviour problems. And if she doesn't - if she is just a normal child only maybe a bit more wilful than average -then you STILL will have something on board to make your lives much easier, and to help direct her more effectively and productively.
When easy child 2/difficult child 2 was 3, I was caught between total admiration for my genius child, and frustration with her very strong will and determination. I certainly never saw ANY sign of difficult child in her at the time. When I look back, I can see the early signs but they were so very slight and masked by the intellect. She was seen by a number of psychologists at the time (trying to assess both the intelligence and the capability to determine if she was sufficiently exceptional to be permitted early entry to school). None of them saw any problems.
The best we can do for each child of ours, is to deal with whatever difficulties we see, as we discover them. We can't do any more than this. We give our kids the opportunities we can, and help them where we can.
From your description of the events, there are things I might have done differently maybe. I don't know. I try to get a mental picture of how it would have looked - two girls plus the mother sitting at a table, each colouring in. The others would seem like giants to the smaller one. The little one would have more difficulty reaching to get the pencils, so it would have seemed very unfair to see her older sister keeping all the best colouring pencils by her. Bigger people would find it much easier to reach further.
Little kids are much more impulsive. They are also very egocentric. The unfairness is so obvious to her that of course she would be outraged and want to right a wrong. WE know she should have asked politely; but it's late, she's tired and this inclines her to be even more impulsive and short-tempered.
One important aspect of Ross Greene's "Explosive Child" book is that it teaches that we need to show respect, in order to teach respect. Yes, your little girl should have asked politely. But a 3 year old asking politely, especially a tired 3 year old - that would be something remarkable indeed.
What maybe SHOULD have happened - you and your older daughter should have seen the problem before it started. The only way to do this is to be so plugged in to the little one, that you can almost read her mind. But if this means you pander to her every whim, how will she ever learn?
It's walking that fine line, where you can head off a problem before it escalates, but otherwise use the situations as opportunities to teach instead of need to discipline.
The aim of discipline is to teach. We often forget this. We need to keep that in mind, and work towards the best way to teach and to help the child learn.
If you get the opportunity to deal with a similar situation to this again, then I suggest the following:
if/when she yells (instead of asking), ask her if she is trying to say she wants to use a particular pencil. Once she lets you know what she wants, then let her have what she wants but rehears with her how she SHOULD have dealt with the problem. if you can (without her raging) get her to make the request appropriately. Don't necessarily make her wait during this, because at 3 she can't wait very well at all.
Do this quietly, not with any sense of punishment. It's a tutorial, not a lecture.
And the older girl - SHE needs to be told to share, as well. YOu don't hog the pretty colours when you're all three of you colouring in together! I do wonder if THAT is what had your three year old so enraged.
And if it IS what had her so riled, then you need to keep an eye on her and observe. Not because I think she is a difficult child in the making necessarily, but that high a level of outrage at perceived injustice often goes hand in hand with a high IQ. And a kid with a high IQ brings her own set of problems.
Considering the studies you are doing, did you analyse her drawing? What is she doing? How complete are her figures or objects? Is she showing any movement away from egocentricity? For example, if she has drawn a house with a chimney, what angle is the chimney at? Is it a typical generic house, or has she attempted something more original? If she is drawing people, what level of complexity is there?
easy child 2/difficult child 2 drew a monster at 3, I recall. It had a solid body, a navel, fingers with fingernails, toes with toenails, eyes with pupils and irises, ears with whorls inside, a mouth with teeth and tongue. I still have it. She also wrote her name on it. The irony of her drawing - she did it during a school meeting about difficult child 1, during which I was being told that I had to accept that my kids in general were not as bright as I thought. To keep easy child 2/difficult child 2 quiet the school counsellor had shoved a packet of pencils and some paper at her, and that drawing materialised with perfect timing for me to point to and say, "Is that the output of a kid who isn't really that bright? NOW can you understand how demoralising it can be for difficult child 1, to have a little sister who is so very capable?"
I think it is a very good thing that you are so observant and so alert to possibilities. But you may never know the answers. All you can do, is meet whichever need you identify at the moment.
Keep us posted on how you get on. She doesn't have to have a diagnosis for you to stick around and belong. It could also help your studies, as you find out what it's like at the coal face.
Marg
Hopefully what Sara said is the case with your child, but most of us have learned to trust our instincts regarding our children. It's very difficult to get a clear picture of a child at such a young age. Many symptoms overlap between disorders and what is a symptom at one age may be behaviorally normal at a different age.
