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Parent Emeritus
difficult child, College, and Responsibility
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 595372" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Boy, I hear you stressbunny, it is most exasperating, I understand. Your son sounds as if there is more going on then ADHD, but even if there is, he will likely not seek help. </p><p></p><p>Here's the thing, to the degree that you enable him, you are going to suffer and live with the choices HE makes. For many of us, we cannot distinguish between where we leave off and they begin, hence enabling. Enabling is very difficult to separate from love, which is why it is so remarkably challenging for us parents, we do not want them to fail, we will do almost anything to get them to succeed. The problem begins when our intention is not only stronger then theirs, but we are actually alone in that intention, they don't care at all. We cannot control what another does, EVEN our own children. At some point that becomes sickeningly obvious, usually after we are exhausted, depleted and burned out. You cannot continue rescuing him from himself. It will go nowhere and it will literally ruin your health, not to mention your joy and your life. I am not exaggerating, if you read through many of these posts you will be able to FEEL the incredible toll this takes on us, it sucks the life force right out of you. You are essentially powerless and yet, that is the hardest thing to understand. We try and try and try again, only to hit the same wall over and over again. </p><p></p><p>That's why you need help to cope, to change, to grow and to heal. I put myself in a codependency program which although I was a little suspicious that it was more for relationships with alcoholics and substance abusers, I quickly figured out, enabling is enabling, it is a negative set of choices that do not serve you or your son, they in fact, destroy the connection. It is so difficult and I always feel so bad for all the parents, just knowing what I had to go through with my own daughter, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my whole life..............so I know how it all feels. </p><p></p><p>This is a process, no one just gets it and then does it and all is fine. We go through lots of stages, lots of painful choices, we learn a new way to parent, we set boundaries, we detach, we accept what we cannot change. It's tough. That's why I always suggest getting into therapy, or some group, you will need it. Of course, you don't have to do it, you can do it alone, it will be harder, because without that continuing support, it's so easy to back track, so easy to give in, so easy to just do what we always have done.......it's hard to allow someone you love to fail. But often that's what we are forced to do. It stinks, but the alternative is you live with their behaviors and watch all your peace, all your joy, your health and your well being go down the drain, they will hold you hostage with their behaviors. Your son is already doing this to some degree by the actions you've described. You are already depleted and tired, he has been a difficult kid to raise. Imagine how difficult he will be as a fully grown adult man with all the traits he presently has and no ability to take any responsibility for his behaviors.</p><p></p><p>Your husband sounds like he has a good handle on it, without your emotional attachments. It will be harder on you. I don't mean to sound harsh, it could all turn around, but from what you've shared already, you are on a clear path and there are usual outcomes and those outcomes will insist that you let go of enabling. It is not your fault. You did not create this. You cannot fix it nor change it. Only he can. And he may not be ready for a long time. If I were in your shoes, and I have been, I would prepare myself, I would arm myself with all the tools and support I could muster, I would get a plan of action ready for the almost inevitable changes ahead and find the strength within yourself to allow your son to fail. That may be the only way he ever finds his way. I'm sorry. I really am. This is so hard, your hurt and disappointment are real, I feel all of that too. We just have to find ways to not only live, but be happy in spite of the choices of our children. A very big order I know.....................hugs................keep posting, it helps..........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 595372, member: 13542"] Boy, I hear you stressbunny, it is most exasperating, I understand. Your son sounds as if there is more going on then ADHD, but even if there is, he will likely not seek help. Here's the thing, to the degree that you enable him, you are going to suffer and live with the choices HE makes. For many of us, we cannot distinguish between where we leave off and they begin, hence enabling. Enabling is very difficult to separate from love, which is why it is so remarkably challenging for us parents, we do not want them to fail, we will do almost anything to get them to succeed. The problem begins when our intention is not only stronger then theirs, but we are actually alone in that intention, they don't care at all. We cannot control what another does, EVEN our own children. At some point that becomes sickeningly obvious, usually after we are exhausted, depleted and burned out. You cannot continue rescuing him from himself. It will go nowhere and it will literally ruin your health, not to mention your joy and your life. I am not exaggerating, if you read through many of these posts you will be able to FEEL the incredible toll this takes on us, it sucks the life force right out of you. You are essentially powerless and yet, that is the hardest thing to understand. We try and try and try again, only to hit the same wall over and over again. That's why you need help to cope, to change, to grow and to heal. I put myself in a codependency program which although I was a little suspicious that it was more for relationships with alcoholics and substance abusers, I quickly figured out, enabling is enabling, it is a negative set of choices that do not serve you or your son, they in fact, destroy the connection. It is so difficult and I always feel so bad for all the parents, just knowing what I had to go through with my own daughter, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my whole life..............so I know how it all feels. This is a process, no one just gets it and then does it and all is fine. We go through lots of stages, lots of painful choices, we learn a new way to parent, we set boundaries, we detach, we accept what we cannot change. It's tough. That's why I always suggest getting into therapy, or some group, you will need it. Of course, you don't have to do it, you can do it alone, it will be harder, because without that continuing support, it's so easy to back track, so easy to give in, so easy to just do what we always have done.......it's hard to allow someone you love to fail. But often that's what we are forced to do. It stinks, but the alternative is you live with their behaviors and watch all your peace, all your joy, your health and your well being go down the drain, they will hold you hostage with their behaviors. Your son is already doing this to some degree by the actions you've described. You are already depleted and tired, he has been a difficult kid to raise. Imagine how difficult he will be as a fully grown adult man with all the traits he presently has and no ability to take any responsibility for his behaviors. Your husband sounds like he has a good handle on it, without your emotional attachments. It will be harder on you. I don't mean to sound harsh, it could all turn around, but from what you've shared already, you are on a clear path and there are usual outcomes and those outcomes will insist that you let go of enabling. It is not your fault. You did not create this. You cannot fix it nor change it. Only he can. And he may not be ready for a long time. If I were in your shoes, and I have been, I would prepare myself, I would arm myself with all the tools and support I could muster, I would get a plan of action ready for the almost inevitable changes ahead and find the strength within yourself to allow your son to fail. That may be the only way he ever finds his way. I'm sorry. I really am. This is so hard, your hurt and disappointment are real, I feel all of that too. We just have to find ways to not only live, but be happy in spite of the choices of our children. A very big order I know.....................hugs................keep posting, it helps.......... [/QUOTE]
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