difficult child Dumped Monkeyboy

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Jul 14, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    That's it. lol.

    difficult child dumped Monkeyboy. In a last ditch effort, I took a stab at discussing her plans to move to NH with monkeyboy. She asked if I was going to be mad when she left. I said "No. I will not be mad. I will be sad, disappointed and worried, but not mad." I asked her if I could just point out a couple of things and she said yes. So I just pointed out how difficult it will be to move far from everyone and everything she knows without money, a job, or a car. I pointed out that I've done it and it's not easy to get by without anyone to at least lean on during such difficult times. I asked her what she would do when monkeyboy throws a tantrum (as he is prone to do) - where will she go to get away from him, who will she lean on? How will she eat, where will she sleep, how will she get blankets and a pillow, where will she do her laundry, what if she gets ill, how will she get her BC, etc. And then I finished up with, "I love you and I understand this is your choice. You can do what ever you want. We will not try to dissuade you or stop you. I will probably even give you a little 'mad money' just in case you want to catch a bus home. But this is your life and you get to choose how you want to live and with whom. I just want you to think of those few things because they are REALLY VERY IMPORTANT. So then she asked if we could at least go out to dinner before she left. Sure. :rolleyes:

    So a whole day and a half goes by and she comes to me and says, "I have to tell you something"...

    "I've thought about what you said and I DO want to go to school in the fall and I do realize that boyfriend has made me lose all my friends and I DO want to stay here and get a job and I DO want to get a car. And I do not think I want to go out with boyfriend anymore because he's such a drama queen (look who's calling the kettle black - I almost smirked when she said this). And he makes me feel guilty all the time and he's constantly telling me he can't trust me and he grabs my arm when he's mad and I feel like I have no one except you and stepdad and him and that makes me so mad. I am tired of crying and lying to him about who I hang out with and I just want to be free to hang out with my friends without lying about it. Everytime I hang out with a friend - one he doesn't want me to, which is all of them - he hangs it over my head and tells me he can't trust me. And I don't get why he can't work here. And his family is NUTS." There was more, but why go on?

    Well, that was a lot to digest, but I did manage a, "Well, difficult child, it sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm glad to see such mature behavior from you and I"m happy that you've been able to make some decisions for yourself and future. Let's share this info with stepdad, ok?" So we went and told H and he said, "Good. That's very good, difficult child."

    So, there were no fireworks and gasps. Inside maybe, but you know, it's hard to get excited. I AM VERY GLAD THAT MONKEYBOY IS OUT OF THE PICTURE NOW THOUGH. He stormed over here yesterday and she took him out to the patio and told him it was over. He cried a cried...it was pretty sad, but my H says, "He can't help it - he's a crybaby. If he doesn't get his way, he throws a temper tantrum - just like difficult child!"

    But I tell you, you should have seen difficult child. She just sat there, cool as a cucumber, slowly smoking her cigarette as he leaned over sobbing into his hat. It was almost a little alarming at how cold she seemed...I called her the Black Widow and my mom (who forgets everything 5 minutes later) said, "Good! It's better to do it cold and calculated and be strong about it - she ought to learn it now, because he won't be the last jerk she will have to dump, that's for sure!" O.M.G, MOM!!! Hahahahaha

    Anyway, I think that chapter is over. She is going for a job interview at a local factory today where one of her old friend's works. I am keeping a good thought that she gets hired. Apparently, they do the application, interview and hiring all on the same appointment, so, hopefully by this afternoon, difficult child will be employed. It's a start.
  2. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Wow, Jo! This is such great news and I am so impressed that she actually listened to you! I hope she gets the job and I hope she stays strong regarding Monkeyboy. I am glad she has you to talk to about it and you handled everything so well! It sounds like if she does start having second thoughts you will be able to point out the things she doesn't like about Monkeyboy and his treatment of her. I sure hope he leaves town. Keep us updated!

  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    That's just the thing, Jane. This is what my exh and people like my sister don't seem to understand - I am very close with both my dds and they DO hear what I'm saying...they just need to come to the decision on their own and in their own time. Despite all the crud with difficult child, she STILL talks to me about important things and that blows my H's mind sometimes! Hahaha.

    I think by telling difficult child that we weren't going to try and make her stay or whatever is what forced her to think on her own just what a move like that would mean. It was pitiful to watch her cry and tell me how she is so embarrassed that she blew off all her friends for monkeyboy and now she feels stupid calling them. I told her to call and just ask them if they wanted to go out for coffee or come for a swim one afternoon. They may surprise her. Girlfriends understand these things I think, don't you?

    I hope she gets that job too - fingers crossed.
  4. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    But I tell you, you should have seen difficult child. She just sat there, cool as a cucumber, slowly smoking her cigarette as he leaned over sobbing into his hat. It was almost a little alarming at how cold she seemed...I called her the Black Widow and my mom (who forgets everything 5 minutes later) said, "Good! It's better to do it cold and calculated and be strong about it - she ought to learn it now, because he won't be the last jerk she will have to dump, that's for sure!" O.M.G, MOM!!! Hahahahaha

    OMG. Can I have her grandmother?

    Shutting down and being comitted to something are two different things. It appears that your daughter is trying a new life, and I hope it happens.

  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    OMG! I would be the grandmother! :rofl:

    Jo, I'm keeping body parts crossed that Monkey Boy stays in NH and therefore OUT of difficult child's life forever. I hope this is and end to a bad chapter, but with as long as it's been going on, I'd be afraid to count my chickens just yet.

    Good for difficult child for listening and thinking everything thru, as well as coming to a decision she really wanted. I'm guessing this made the whole "breakup scene" easier for her to do.

    Keeping fingers crossed she gets the job.

    Good job Mom. I'm glad you tried one more time, and your wording was perfect!

    Hugs :D
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Good job difficult child! I'm so glad she seems to be moving forward. I hope she gets the job.
  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Somehow, calm and giving them choices is the best way to reason with a drama queen.
    Good for you. Good for her. It's her life. If she wants to screw it up she doesn't need monkeyboy to help her.
    Baby steps are good. A job is good. Her detachment is good.
    I think you just articulated what she was thinking and helped her see it in a more organized way.

    Yay! for difficult child taking care of herself before she tries to save another lost soul.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sounds like she made a good choice. Let's hope she gets the job, doesnt' go back to monkeyboy, and chooses a better boyfriend for next time.


  9. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    SOOOOO great the way you handled this.....she followed your example and thought it thru......hope monkeyboy still goes and doesn't decide to hang around to try to get difficult child back!......Great news and hope the job comes thru for difficult child......ah, the sound of success is in the air.......
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    For my Cyber-neice,

    YOU MADE ME PROUD GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    -ps please find YOURSELF before you find another man. You're really a great catch - so you should be extra ULTRA picky with who gets to spend time with your lips. There's a lot of them - but there is ONLY ONE YOU!

    Luv -
    Auntie Star

  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Jo, this is really wonderful news. Good job coaching her! Here's hoping she sticks with her decision!


  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

  13. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Super job by the "G" women. As was said, let's hope he doesn't come back or, worse yet, she starts getting the guilts and feels sorry for him. That could be a real disaster.

    For now, kudos to all and may she get a job and her friends back soon.
  14. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Such good news. I hope difficult child is enjoying her new found independence. For her to see how boyfriend was controlling her is such a big step. I hope she is feeling a lot less stress. The new peace that will come with freedom should keep her focused on her "new life".

    Can she throw a mid-summer party and invite all her friends over for that swim? Hopefully she can get connected to a good set of friends, have those school plans in place, and have a good job before monkeyboy comes back - and I think she needs to plan for that possibility. We want her happy and secure for his next attack to take her back.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I think that is a definite possibility. He's called her 3 times today and she spoke with him...all calm and cool, of course. BUT, I asked her why he keeps calling her and she said, "Because we're friends now"...Uh, no, sweetie, that's not how it works. I just told her there is usually a cooling off period before the 'we're friends' part begins, if at all. She rolled her eyes. I then told her that he will try and manipulate her back into his web, so she has to be careful. She told me there is no chance of that happening since she's not attracted to him in any way at all anymore. Um, ok, didn't realize addictions were like that; I said nothing. She went out with one of her old-new friends that she's reconnected with. I don't know him - YES- HIM. I wish she would hang out with girlfriends, but I do not have any control over that.

    She applied for her job today and has an interview tomorrow at 2PM.

    Thanks so much for all the support - keeping strong thoughts that this will be a turning point for her.
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It's a beautiful thing! :thumbsup:
  17. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Good thing monkeyboy is well on his way to historyville and let's hope he stays out of the picture -- the sooner he gets himself to NH the better... Sounds like difficult child has learned a thing or two :smug:, WAY TO GO!
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I dont know which is funnier.......

    Monkey boy - or

    Both are SO far beind her !

    The only thing she's going to suffer from now POST Monkey boy is the

  19. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    That little punk asked difficult child if he could at least still take her out to dinner for their 10 month anniversary and I am very happy to report that she said NO. How cool is that? :D

    difficult child told me that her girlfriend asked her how many times he took her out to dinner while they were together and the answer was ONCE in 10 months and it was to a Panera's - jeesh. So her friend said, "why do you think he really wants to take you to dinner now then? He's trying to win you back! Don't go!" so she didn't. Yippeeee.

    I am trying to bite my tongue all over the place because, you know, I know what I had, I don't know what I'm going to get...in terms of "who's up next?"
  20. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Well, I, for one, never agreed with the saying, "Better the evil we know than the evil that we know not." I'm all for eliminating the present evil regardless.