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difficult child emails me 2 days after I kicked him out
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 619481" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Well, I think middle ground is always the best policy. So, not too mushy and certainly not punitive.......but along the lines of....... </p><p>"I appreciate and am relieved to hear from you and that you feel remorse for what happened between us. Thank you for the apology. I love you son, however, for now, I agree that it is best for us to remain apart. Let's put the future on hold and concentrate on you getting yourself together which is what everyone wants. Get a job and get some support for your depression. You cannot be a role model for brother until your life is put back together. I need to take this one step at a time because what happened between us had an impact on me which I have to come to grips with on my own and I need time to do that." </p><p></p><p>I don't want to burst the bubble, but over many years I received many emails and had many conversations with my daughter which sounded very much like your son's email. He may be absolutely truthful and will pull his life together immediately...........or like my daughter, he may mean it right now, but there is absolutely no change in behavior. And, she did that many times...............and then I stopped believing. </p><p></p><p>Our kids can be master manipulators with a streak of brilliance..........or they can mean what they say in the moment and forget it the next.............I don't know your son, he really may be sorry and want to change but the truth will be in the<u> doing, </u> not the talking. I think it would be best if for the moment you had little contact.....while you gain strength and he mans up to address life squarely, no more zombie boy...........taking action is what he needs to do and he needs to do it now. You might also make his seeing a therapist and getting on medications or whatever you believe is the solution a part of the negotiation for a relationship with you. You have the power now, not him. He is no longer holding you hostage, you stopped that. And, remember your easy child, he deserves a break too. </p><p></p><p>Really think about what you want, what you are willing to do, what you are not, what is negotiable what is not...........write it all down.............take your time, there is no hurry, he is safe, you have peace..........so you have time............you can also consult a therapist and figure out the guidelines with her/him. You can also meet your son down the road with that therapist and negotiate your terms with a mediator who is skilled in this kind of stuff. I would wait. I would be cautious. And, I would be very clear about what I wanted, what I deserve, the respect due to you as his mother..........you have the opportunity to make a difference and change this, you can't change him but you can change the way he has to be around YOU........so figure out what your terms are, what your boundaries are, where your line is, all of it. He is a man now, not your little sidekick and a man is different with his mother............he doesn't harm her, he protects her. You have every right to demand to be treated the way you want to be treated by him and by everyone. Don't settle. Don't cave. Don't give in with this first shot out of the gate, he needs to make amends for how he acted and how he hurt you AND his brother. </p><p></p><p>Proceed with caution. You're doing a great job and each step of the way we have to stop and wait............don't respond to anything immediately, you have to allow your enabling brain to settle down. Once you come up with a plan run it by us or a trusted friend to see if there are any holes in your thinking. I did that for months with my SO. And guess what? There were almost always holes in my thinking. Once pointed out I could see them clearly, but left to my own devices, I was blind to it. You are still in the FOG a bit so don't trust your first instincts, they will be your mommy heart responding to your little boy, they won't be accurate...............stay the course.........you're doing great.................(and I know it's tough..............we all know that...........).....HUGS.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 619481, member: 13542"] Well, I think middle ground is always the best policy. So, not too mushy and certainly not punitive.......but along the lines of....... "I appreciate and am relieved to hear from you and that you feel remorse for what happened between us. Thank you for the apology. I love you son, however, for now, I agree that it is best for us to remain apart. Let's put the future on hold and concentrate on you getting yourself together which is what everyone wants. Get a job and get some support for your depression. You cannot be a role model for brother until your life is put back together. I need to take this one step at a time because what happened between us had an impact on me which I have to come to grips with on my own and I need time to do that." I don't want to burst the bubble, but over many years I received many emails and had many conversations with my daughter which sounded very much like your son's email. He may be absolutely truthful and will pull his life together immediately...........or like my daughter, he may mean it right now, but there is absolutely no change in behavior. And, she did that many times...............and then I stopped believing. Our kids can be master manipulators with a streak of brilliance..........or they can mean what they say in the moment and forget it the next.............I don't know your son, he really may be sorry and want to change but the truth will be in the[U] doing, [/U] not the talking. I think it would be best if for the moment you had little contact.....while you gain strength and he mans up to address life squarely, no more zombie boy...........taking action is what he needs to do and he needs to do it now. You might also make his seeing a therapist and getting on medications or whatever you believe is the solution a part of the negotiation for a relationship with you. You have the power now, not him. He is no longer holding you hostage, you stopped that. And, remember your easy child, he deserves a break too. Really think about what you want, what you are willing to do, what you are not, what is negotiable what is not...........write it all down.............take your time, there is no hurry, he is safe, you have peace..........so you have time............you can also consult a therapist and figure out the guidelines with her/him. You can also meet your son down the road with that therapist and negotiate your terms with a mediator who is skilled in this kind of stuff. I would wait. I would be cautious. And, I would be very clear about what I wanted, what I deserve, the respect due to you as his mother..........you have the opportunity to make a difference and change this, you can't change him but you can change the way he has to be around YOU........so figure out what your terms are, what your boundaries are, where your line is, all of it. He is a man now, not your little sidekick and a man is different with his mother............he doesn't harm her, he protects her. You have every right to demand to be treated the way you want to be treated by him and by everyone. Don't settle. Don't cave. Don't give in with this first shot out of the gate, he needs to make amends for how he acted and how he hurt you AND his brother. Proceed with caution. You're doing a great job and each step of the way we have to stop and wait............don't respond to anything immediately, you have to allow your enabling brain to settle down. Once you come up with a plan run it by us or a trusted friend to see if there are any holes in your thinking. I did that for months with my SO. And guess what? There were almost always holes in my thinking. Once pointed out I could see them clearly, but left to my own devices, I was blind to it. You are still in the FOG a bit so don't trust your first instincts, they will be your mommy heart responding to your little boy, they won't be accurate...............stay the course.........you're doing great.................(and I know it's tough..............we all know that...........).....HUGS. [/QUOTE]
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