difficult child "graduates" from PHP this afternoon prayers pls.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by StressedM0mma, Jan 18, 2012.

  1. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    And I am so scared that I want to throw up. I do not think she is anywhere near ready, but they disagree. So, she goes to school tomorrow. I feel like we are just setting her up to fail. And I blame myself for it.
    I talked to her guidance counselor this morning, and he has not heard from the PHP about her school transition. That is supposed to be part of their plan. Nice huh. He told me he was going to call PHP when we hung up to find out what difficult child needs. Why does it have to be soo hard to get everything in order?
    I am trying so hard to be positive, because I do not want difficult child to see or feel the fact that I don't think she is ready. But, I just do not see this going well at all. Sorry for being a Debby Downer right now. Just feeling bad.
    Please pretzel and Pray for a smooth transition back to school for her. We need every positive thought we can get.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    in my opinion, that's not a PHP at all. It's a short-term group therapy center.

    Do NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT blame yourself!!! You have been jumping through every hoop out there trying to get her help, more info, and so on. YOU are not setting her up to fail - THEY ARE!

    If her counselor is in touch with you, he will know you are bending over backwards - and the PHP isn't. Trust me, this will help. Maybe not a lot, not now, but eventually.

    :hugs: and I'm cyber-sending you my Warrior Mama armor, because I know you're gonna need it.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    OH so many hugs. I hope the "graduation" goes smoothly. (actually I hope she has a melt down traumatic fit in front of everyone and they call an ambulance and get a darn clue but????)

    As far as the counselor calling psychiatric hospital...what do you think they will tell him??? I am sorry but I have lost all confidence and I would not even encourage that. they already told you their opinion and it will not help her in school. I would TELL school what she needs. She needs accomodations, reduced stress, revised expectations, modified tests, etc. Maybe even a modified schedule having her arrive or leave early if you think it could help. YOU call the shots, do not leave it up to the psychiatrist, the school and most especially not the the impassioned pleas from difficult child who says she wants to do hte same as before, she can do it, she promises, the other kids will think she is different, she is dumb, the world is ending, etc.... be DEAF to that. She needs your confidence that you can do this job and you ARE doing it by the way so stop the blame. This parenting trip is a learning journey for life. You could not have been expected to know what to do with a child like this. Hate to beat the cancer analogy to death but you would never hold a parent who had a child with cancer responsible for not knowing every step of the way what to do with the child's whole life as it is impacted by such a devastating illness. Be gentle with yourself in terms of judgement, be hard on yourself in terms of action! You can do this.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive thoughts and hugs. DDD
  5. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Thanks everyone. Step thank you for the warrior suit. I will wear it with pride. I know you have been through your share of battles, so I am hoping its strength will transfer to me. DDD thanks for the hugs. Buddy the PHP is telling us that we should not give her school accommodations like starting late because she needs to face the natural consequences of not attending or being late. They feel this is more of a defiant behavior than a manifestation of her depression/anxiety. I just want peace in my house. I absolutely hate confrontation and disorder. It sends my panic into overdrive. I am sure I will be a mess tomorrow. I am setting myself up to believe that she will not be going at all, and if she does go I will be surprised. That way I will not be disappointed. Sick I know, but whenver I get my hopes up about her I am let down and disappointed.

    Trying hard to get on with my life and not be so wrapped around what difficult child is doing to hers. It is very hard though. Hopefully my therapist will be able to help me through all of it. I have lost 20 pounds since all of this has started. (Good thing I had it to lose.) Trying hard to eat it just makes me sick to do so.
  6. rdland

    rdland New Member

    I agree! My difficult child is in php and his program is so much better than the one you are dealing with. I get calls from psychiatrist 3 times a week and therapist 2 times a week. I have met face to face 2 times in the 3 weeks he has been there for treatment team meeting. I was apart of the goal setting they put in place when he started there. We have also been playing around with his medications while there since the psychiatrist visits the classroom every day and can see first hand what us working and what is not.

    it sounds like the program your difficult child is in did nothing. I am so sorry you had such a bad experience. If you ever need to go this route again I suggest finding a different program. I am so sorry this program was such a waste of time for you and your difficult child. Please know that is NOT how it should be. I am shocked they never communicated with you or worked with you about difficult child. Also that they did not want to tell you anything. Hang in there and I hope tomorrow goes better for you than you think it will.
  7. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Rdland I would have loved for her to have been in a program like the one your son attends. I will most definitely look into other options if we have to go this route again. (I pray we don't but think we will)
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    SM... sometimes, things have to go so far downhill that you don't think there's a way back up... before the system helps. been there done that. But we came back up. Different situation, but...

    Line up your plan B, NOW. Maybe you need to be calling the police on her - to create a paper trail. When things get bad, know already which psychiatric hospital you are headed for, and why. Get school counsellor onside - what has to be done from that side to capture the fact that her current problems are MH and not "just behavior"... so that they can turn her marks into INC if they have to (incomplete - used here for medical interruption of schooling)
  9. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    IC we have a plan B pretty much in place. We have decided that anytime she hits or destroys we will be calling the police. We have also decided that if she is late to school we will not be calling her in tardy. She can take the detentions and suspensions. If she refuses to go to school we will be calling her in unexcused (unruly child) We do know what psychiatric hospital she will go to, but they will do nothing. (It is the only children's hospital. in area) The last time they told us to see a psychiatrist and therapist and sent her home and charged us $1000 over what the ins. paid. I have spoken to her Guidance counselor, and they are leaning towards INC for this quarter to let her catch up. I pushed to have her exempt for a few of her finals. Her grades are bad enough that the exam won't help pull them up.
    Never in my life did I think this is what my life would come to.
  10. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    husband is there right now filling out her discharge paperwork. I am so sad/scared. difficult child has already complained to him about having to go to school tomorrow and Friday because of exams. My easy child is home and she just said "mom I don't think she is going to change at all" How sad is it that easy child even knows that it isn't time for her to be back and going to school. Why is it no one listens to you? The program is for 10 days and you are on your way.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending you lots of hugs and confidence and prayers.

    What does your gut tell you she needs? I have gotten a LOT of grief over the years for following my gut from the school, tdocs, psychiatric hospital, etc.... I finally figured out that the times I made the really BIG mistakes were the times I ignored my gut and did what the docs/school/etc... told me we needed to do. A few times that I got extreme grief from school I think my son would have killed himself if I made him do it their was. He didn't say it but I just had that strong feeling that if I pushed him to do what they watned then we would lose him.

    You are her MOTHER. Whether you carried her inside you for 40 weeks (that is ten months not nine - some guy is the one who said it was nine) or you adopted her and spent months and years trying to become her mother, the result is a bond that is super special. The teachers see her for an hour or less a day. With 30 other kids at the same time. T he docs see her for ten minutes max every month or three or six. Yeah. They KNOW what her problem is and what she needs. even this program sees her for a few hours, their psychiatrists don't see her through the whole program or you would know the psychiatrist's name and have contact info so they are spending five min a day reading a chart and having someone tell them about her.

    YOU see her each evening, are iwth her all night, and have done so for YEARS.

    Don't you DARE let them tell you she doesn't need something you know deep down she needs. I don't think you should make life too easy, but if she isn't able to cope with life because she is ill from a mental disease, cancer, or something else then she needs TREATMENT and HELP and not just to be told she is "bad" or has "bad behavior". I never apply the word bad to a person, esp a child. To their choices/behavior/quality of their work, yes, to the person? NO and not just no but HECK NO!

    So if you know the medications are not doing it, or she needs accommodations and/or support, then you push until someone provides them. I know how hard it is. W e fought for years for Wiz and are still fighting for Jess who cannot go to school because her muscles curl up into spasms and she cannot walk or even sit up or unbend sometimes. We don't have a clue as to how to help her, so we educate her at home on her schedule and we fight for the help she needs. We don't expect her to deal with the consequences of being late or not being able to go to school and trust me, LOTS of people tell us we should. They are idiots and see her for a few minutes and "know" what she needs? BS. They don't see her struggles.

    Same with your daughter only her disease is more in her head. You listen to your gut, your momma instincts, and then you make them sit up and take notice. it isn't easy, of course you don't have the right answers to everything. You are Mom, not GOD. There is a reason your name is not God. Youa re doing a great job. You are a Warrior Mom and just getting her to the PHP program is a huge thing.

    Sending lots of hugs, prayers and strength for you to find the best ways to help her. I am sorry this program was run by idiots who don't know how to make a phoen call to the school or what a plan is. Sadly there are a lot of them and they think they are knowledgeable.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    must be disheartening for easy child too. Why does she have to go to school if they are testing anyway? Can you just wait till next quarter since she can't pass the exams anyway? or do they have a place for her to work on her back assignments???

    Your plan b sounds reasonable and don t even wait ONE day I would think because it will set a precedent. I would love to say it wont happen but You know her and she is already complaining so dont even engage. Just let it happen and calmly make the calls. The only thing you can really control is your own reaction.... (trust me that is my mantra and I do not succeed many many times.... sigh)
  13. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Thanks Susie. Unfortunately what we think she really needs we cannot get even with fighting. We really feel that she needs to be in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She loves horses and takes lessons 2x a week, and think a place that has an equine facility would be perfect. Problem is everyone is telling us that she will not qualify because we have no police involvement. And our county refuses to pay for any of it. So the cost even with my parents offering to help is impossible for us. She just really does not like being in our family and does not want to be here. There are not even any emergency teen shelters for her to go to when she wants to run. The one in the next county won't take her because we are not residents of that county. The problems of smaller town life.
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    What is the difference between Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and TBS in real life?? I get the theory difference but for funding etc.. is Residential Treatment Center (RTC) more medical????
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    TBS... is a SCHOOL, that also does therapy etc.
    Residential Treatment Center (RTC)... is a residence, where they wy work on therapeutic stuff... normally, would be sent out to school, or handled like they would in psychiatric hospital.

    At least, that's the way it was explained to me...
  16. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Buddy I do not know myself. I think that Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is more therapy/medical based. I always thought of a TBS as more of a military/tough love type of place. I am probably totally wrong, but that is what I always thought.