Our situation is a bit different in that there is no contact with our difficult child and his bio mom. (husband and I adopted him out of foster care 7 years ago). Lately though, he's decided that when he turns 18 (in a year) he's going to move back to where bio mom lives. He keeps alternating between saying he's going to live with her and saying he's going to get his own place near her. Either way it would be a bad situation as she still drinks and drugs and is in and out of jail. When I've tried to tell him that she could be going into jail he gets defensive and says things like "how do YOU know? You don't talk to anyone up there" (We have contact with some of his bio family as there are siblings involved with other people) If I tell him that Yes, I do then he still doesn't believe me or get's mad. He was old enough when taken from her that he remembers her but he's really got an idealized memory of her and has his very own pair of really thick lensed rose colored glasses. If he continues with this he's just going to have to learn it on his own but it's going to be ugly when he does. He's asked over the years and all we've said is that because of BM's choices, she lost her right to be a mom to him and his sibs. I know that deep down, he remembers the bad stuff but he's still got those rose colored glasses firmly in place. I think for you, while you may still get negative reactions and difficult child will be hurt, you're doing the right thing. You answer calmly with the facts and that's really all you CAN do. She obviously loves her bio mom and wants her to suceed. You can have her in counseling or talk to her as much as possible but in the end, she's the one that has to come to terms with bio mom's limitations and choices and that she (difficult child) has nothing to do with it. (not her fault or it's all up to bio mom and not because difficult child isn't there to "help" her.....that type of thing)
I know it's hard. Sending hugs. Hang in there.
