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difficult child is back in jail....and God it is depressing
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 621444" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>First, I am offering gentle empathy to you this morning. I hope you feel that. I know from "whence you come." I have been there myself, right where you are as you describe it. </p><p></p><p>Cry, rage, sleep, hide----HHE70. That is how you feel and the feelings are overwhelming, especially in a crisis like you are going through right now. You are once again experiencing having no control over a situation, and it is hard to deal with. It sounds like difficult child was making some progress but he was still using drugs. He wasn't ready to stop. He probably thought he could function pretty well and still do drugs. That's not how probation and the legal system works. So, while he was showing some signs of functionality, he wasn't stopping the drugs. And that is what he has to do to turn his life around. He has to completely stop. </p><p></p><p>Remember, you can't know the journey HE has to take to become a man, a fully functioning contributing member of society who---if he is an addict---will have to fight that monster for the rest of his life. It is HIS journey, his and God's. It doesn't include you, as much as you love him. </p><p></p><p>So after you deal with your own very valid feelings and feel them, after a while, get up and turn your energy to yourself. </p><p></p><p>That is when things will begin to get better for you. When you can turn your energy to yourself, and AWAY from him, things will get better. As long as the primary focus is on him, the person who is making the bad choices against all logic and reason and sanity, you are going to be right there with him in the insanity. </p><p></p><p>We can't control the system, the courts, the judge, the rehabs, the homeless shelters, the police, the therapists. Especially we can't control a nearly 22 year old MAN. That is what he is, even though as you said, he is ill-equipped. My son is also, at age 24.5. Same thing, just nearly three years older. </p><p> </p><p>I promise you, there IS joy and contentment and happiness and relief and peace and serenity, regardless of what is happening with our difficult child children. It isn't easy to find and hold onto, and there are lots of slips and slides, but really, think hard about this: Is what you are doing right now working? Your post tells me it is not.</p><p></p><p>When you are ready, when you are so sick and tired, so completely sick and tired of what you have been doing and are ready to do something new, that is when the real work begins. I think you are just about there. </p><p></p><p>Things you can do today:</p><p></p><p>1. Write a gratitude list---write down five things you are grateful for. Do it every day.</p><p>2. Find and go to an Al-anon meeting, a support group, a Nar-Anon meeting. You don't have to say a word. You can cry the whole time you are there, but start to listen. Bring an open mind with you. </p><p>3. Purchase one of the books to read at home and see if they have the pamphlet: The Merry Go Round of Denial. It is excellent and will make you feel better reading it.</p><p>4. Post on this forum the things you are thinking and feeling and the plans you want to make for yourself.</p><p>5. Write down and print out those plans. They can change at any time and you are in control of it all. You can decide to do something different at any time, no matter what you have told anybody, including your difficult child. You are an adult and you have the right to change your mind.</p><p>6. Try to think about things as: just for today. Or just for the next hour. Whatever works for you in the moment. </p><p>7. Do something nice for yourself, whatever that is. </p><p>8. As you get better, add this to your "getting better" list: Do something nice for someone else. </p><p>9. Please consider seeing a therapist who understands addiction. Ask that question. </p><p></p><p>Please know I am saying everything I am writing here with caring, warm thoughts and with respect that your situation is yours alone and only you can decide what you should do. I never presume to know what anybody else should do---that's what got me in trouble in the first place. (lol). </p><p></p><p>Please don't think I have it all together. I have worked hard to get here, and I am continuing the hard work. Some days it is easier than others, but most days are good and there are far fewer hours that are really bad. </p><p></p><p>And today, my son is homeless, I don't know where he is or what he is doing and I haven't heard from him in four days. I am learning to accept that. And today, I am okay. You can be too. You really can be. </p><p></p><p>Please keep talking to us. Please try not to drive yourself crazy about the what ifs? what will happen when? the shoulds? The should nots? The near-misses. There is no peace there. He is going to do what he decides to do until he decides to stop and you aren't going to be a factor at all in any of it. That's just the bald truth. </p><p></p><p>There is a great world out there for all of us, if we will start walking toward it, and work hard to claim it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 621444, member: 17542"] First, I am offering gentle empathy to you this morning. I hope you feel that. I know from "whence you come." I have been there myself, right where you are as you describe it. Cry, rage, sleep, hide----HHE70. That is how you feel and the feelings are overwhelming, especially in a crisis like you are going through right now. You are once again experiencing having no control over a situation, and it is hard to deal with. It sounds like difficult child was making some progress but he was still using drugs. He wasn't ready to stop. He probably thought he could function pretty well and still do drugs. That's not how probation and the legal system works. So, while he was showing some signs of functionality, he wasn't stopping the drugs. And that is what he has to do to turn his life around. He has to completely stop. Remember, you can't know the journey HE has to take to become a man, a fully functioning contributing member of society who---if he is an addict---will have to fight that monster for the rest of his life. It is HIS journey, his and God's. It doesn't include you, as much as you love him. So after you deal with your own very valid feelings and feel them, after a while, get up and turn your energy to yourself. That is when things will begin to get better for you. When you can turn your energy to yourself, and AWAY from him, things will get better. As long as the primary focus is on him, the person who is making the bad choices against all logic and reason and sanity, you are going to be right there with him in the insanity. We can't control the system, the courts, the judge, the rehabs, the homeless shelters, the police, the therapists. Especially we can't control a nearly 22 year old MAN. That is what he is, even though as you said, he is ill-equipped. My son is also, at age 24.5. Same thing, just nearly three years older. I promise you, there IS joy and contentment and happiness and relief and peace and serenity, regardless of what is happening with our difficult child children. It isn't easy to find and hold onto, and there are lots of slips and slides, but really, think hard about this: Is what you are doing right now working? Your post tells me it is not. When you are ready, when you are so sick and tired, so completely sick and tired of what you have been doing and are ready to do something new, that is when the real work begins. I think you are just about there. Things you can do today: 1. Write a gratitude list---write down five things you are grateful for. Do it every day. 2. Find and go to an Al-anon meeting, a support group, a Nar-Anon meeting. You don't have to say a word. You can cry the whole time you are there, but start to listen. Bring an open mind with you. 3. Purchase one of the books to read at home and see if they have the pamphlet: The Merry Go Round of Denial. It is excellent and will make you feel better reading it. 4. Post on this forum the things you are thinking and feeling and the plans you want to make for yourself. 5. Write down and print out those plans. They can change at any time and you are in control of it all. You can decide to do something different at any time, no matter what you have told anybody, including your difficult child. You are an adult and you have the right to change your mind. 6. Try to think about things as: just for today. Or just for the next hour. Whatever works for you in the moment. 7. Do something nice for yourself, whatever that is. 8. As you get better, add this to your "getting better" list: Do something nice for someone else. 9. Please consider seeing a therapist who understands addiction. Ask that question. Please know I am saying everything I am writing here with caring, warm thoughts and with respect that your situation is yours alone and only you can decide what you should do. I never presume to know what anybody else should do---that's what got me in trouble in the first place. (lol). Please don't think I have it all together. I have worked hard to get here, and I am continuing the hard work. Some days it is easier than others, but most days are good and there are far fewer hours that are really bad. And today, my son is homeless, I don't know where he is or what he is doing and I haven't heard from him in four days. I am learning to accept that. And today, I am okay. You can be too. You really can be. Please keep talking to us. Please try not to drive yourself crazy about the what ifs? what will happen when? the shoulds? The should nots? The near-misses. There is no peace there. He is going to do what he decides to do until he decides to stop and you aren't going to be a factor at all in any of it. That's just the bald truth. There is a great world out there for all of us, if we will start walking toward it, and work hard to claim it. [/QUOTE]
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difficult child is back in jail....and God it is depressing
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