He violated probation by smoking marijuana and has been sitting in jail since the 18th. The first week, i tried the hard way of dealing with the situation by ignoring his phone calls and refusing to see him, only put a little money for small stuff like toothpaste e.t.c. But since last night i have been obsessing about my role in what has became of difficult child and i feel so depressed thinking through the what ifs and wondering what if i did this and this instead of that and that and this morning i woke up and wondered what if i just swallowed some pills and just lie down and die. Then while i was driving to work, i kept on wondering it would be so much better if my car went off the road and i am unconscious so i don't have to deal....I know it is crazy,selfish,immature i and don't want to feel this way but life feels so meaningless when you are in pain. Just writing this brings tears in my eyes because part of me is unable to forgive myself and i know or want to believe my poor parenting somehow contributed to where difficult child finds himself at this time in his life. He will be 22 in June and yet he is so inadequate to handle life. Well, according to difficult child, he smoked marijuana on Xmas and new years eve while he attended a party with friends from school. When he reported to probation on 24th January, he got a warning and was put on color code and tested the same day but when he reported to the PO on Feb 18th, the PO said the amount of marijuana in his system was more than he could ignore so he hauled him before the same judge who has had his case from the beginning and he locked him up. I am so mad, first with difficult child, second, the system and third with myself partly because difficult child has really been trying. He was going to school and attending his classes, actively looking for work and staying in the house every day except Saturdays, and going to church with me on Sunday. He did chores in the house, plowed the snow in my driveway during the last few storms. Basically, everything i told him to except stay away from pot. During this period, i had stayed away from his business allowing him time to grow up but now i am beating myself up wondering how did i end up here again? Now, as he sits it jail, he has been begging to go to rehab and his lawyer found a place that is willing to admit him but i think it is too late. The PO won't budge, the whole lot says they have given him enough chances and he has blown them all. So now, i am bracing for the worst because jail, again seems so likely. His hearing is next week on the 6th. So fellow members, keep him and me in your prayers and thoughts hoping for the best outcome. Meanwhile, i am trying my best to cope - i attended a church support meeting for parents of addicts last week and hope to go again this week, but i wish i was as stronger as some of you like cedar, recovering,Mwm e.t.c....oh and child of me, if you read this, know that i have been reading your detachment journey(too depressed to offer any support) and i admire you so much because you are doing what i would like to do but right now i feel so weak.