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difficult child is back in jail....and God it is depressing
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 621457" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. Welcome to the Wish-We-Weren't-In-It Club (I try to keep a sense of humor).</p><p></p><p>I just got back from working out (which is part of myself taking care of ME) and I did not read any responses other than RE's and she was as usual right on the money. I will give you my perspective. Please take what you find is useful and discard the rest. We are simply moms who have suffered similarly and we come together to share our stories and methods of dealing with our adult grown kids who seem to make their own lives difficult for themselves. And, yes, at the very beginning, I thought it was all because of me. Examples:</p><p></p><p>"If I hadn't gotten divorced Daughter would n'[t have had to move and I wouldn't have remarried and she would never have tried drugs and we would have been the Cleavers."</p><p></p><p>See how wrong that thinking is? But I did think that way a long time ago. Although THAT particular child did clean up her act in a very honorable way and I am so proud of her, I have two of five children who broke my heart; one who still continues to try but no longer has the power and the other who also can be a terrible person at times.</p><p></p><p>So was it the way I mothered? Hmmmmmmmmmm. I had five kids. Three have hearts of gold and are well-functioning and content with life. I have one autistic son who is in that category. I have one chld I adopted at six from Hong Kong who will no longer be a part of the family and one son who is always in drama mode, can be very disrespectful, has put his hands on his father, has threatened to shoot me once, likes to try to get money from his fairly wealthy father and who thinks his life is the worst in the world. All of these kids were raised the same. Was I a bad mother because of the oldest two or a good mother because of the youngest three? I think that once the kids turn about fourteen, influences way beyond us shape who they are...most notably peers. That's when THEY make decisions that can positively or negatively affect their lives. I believe a lot is inherited personality traits much more than how a c hild is raised. Personality traits ARE inherited. Even if Child One was adopted, he is likely to be more like his bio. parents than the parents who raised him. I have raised three adopted kids and most adoptive mothers in my parent group totally agree with that. Ditto for parents who have left a spouse before a c hlid's birth yet the child is just like his DNA dad because of heredity. It does NO GOOD to sit and think "What if I had...?" Most likely your child would be the same no matter what you had done, unless you locked him in the basement all of his life.</p><p></p><p>But difficult children sure like to blame us, don't they? There's a reason for this. They are NOT stupid kids. They know that if we feel guilty, we are far more likely to try to make it up to them by handing them free money, giving them passes on horrendous behavior, let them live at home for free, turn the other way when they self-destruct, allow drug use at home, cook them hearty meals that they don't help clean up, etc. So they tell us all the things that we did to cause them to be this way. It's baloney, of course. Most of us gave our kids love, love and more love plus plenty of perks and extras. Maybe we gave them TOO much. That may be our biggest mistake...</p><p></p><p>If your son goes to jail, he may have time to contemplate a whole lifetime in jail and may change how he lives his life. If you set strong boundaries for him about w hat he absolutely must do or not do when he gets out, he will be furious at you, but he will have to decide how to shape his own life. You should not have to be a child's mother forever. Yes, you have a child. No, he is NOT a child anymore and your relationship should not be one of caretaking him anymore. Nor, in my own opinion (which you may disagree with) should you offer him your home, free money, or pay for his toys. He wants money? Yes, it's hard to get a good job, but he can start at McDonald's or some retail store. It's money, honestly made. If he doesn't want to demean himself that way, let him demean himself by panhandling or selling drugs, like many difficult children do. Somehow our difficult children can never find jobs. Well, you have a life to live and you need your money. He is old enough to find something to do that will allow him to find a room to rent.</p><p></p><p>You have my prayers and well wishes. I hope you can learn to detach from his drama and live a good life yourself. You do not have to suffer, cry, and have no life just because you have a child who is not doing well. He is not you. You are not him. You are separate people who took different paths in life and his path is his cross to bear, not yours. You can not change him or anybody except yourself so if you angst over him all day that still will not change him. You can talk to him forever and that only gives him an excuse to verbally attack you about his pot smoking and arrest is really YOUR fault (they are so good at twisting things). In the end, he wants to smoke pot and God knows what else he is doing, drug-wise. You don't need to know.</p><p></p><p>I hope that he is allowed to go to rehab, but if he does, understand that unless he is 100% behind the idea of quitting all drug use, rehab will not help him.</p><p></p><p>Try to have some peace and serenity tonight and start by telling yourself to "let go and let God." Put this on God. He is able to handle this. You are not. You need to focus on your own happiness and your loved ones who are kind to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 621457, member: 1550"] Hi there. Welcome to the Wish-We-Weren't-In-It Club (I try to keep a sense of humor). I just got back from working out (which is part of myself taking care of ME) and I did not read any responses other than RE's and she was as usual right on the money. I will give you my perspective. Please take what you find is useful and discard the rest. We are simply moms who have suffered similarly and we come together to share our stories and methods of dealing with our adult grown kids who seem to make their own lives difficult for themselves. And, yes, at the very beginning, I thought it was all because of me. Examples: "If I hadn't gotten divorced Daughter would n'[t have had to move and I wouldn't have remarried and she would never have tried drugs and we would have been the Cleavers." See how wrong that thinking is? But I did think that way a long time ago. Although THAT particular child did clean up her act in a very honorable way and I am so proud of her, I have two of five children who broke my heart; one who still continues to try but no longer has the power and the other who also can be a terrible person at times. So was it the way I mothered? Hmmmmmmmmmm. I had five kids. Three have hearts of gold and are well-functioning and content with life. I have one autistic son who is in that category. I have one chld I adopted at six from Hong Kong who will no longer be a part of the family and one son who is always in drama mode, can be very disrespectful, has put his hands on his father, has threatened to shoot me once, likes to try to get money from his fairly wealthy father and who thinks his life is the worst in the world. All of these kids were raised the same. Was I a bad mother because of the oldest two or a good mother because of the youngest three? I think that once the kids turn about fourteen, influences way beyond us shape who they are...most notably peers. That's when THEY make decisions that can positively or negatively affect their lives. I believe a lot is inherited personality traits much more than how a c hild is raised. Personality traits ARE inherited. Even if Child One was adopted, he is likely to be more like his bio. parents than the parents who raised him. I have raised three adopted kids and most adoptive mothers in my parent group totally agree with that. Ditto for parents who have left a spouse before a c hlid's birth yet the child is just like his DNA dad because of heredity. It does NO GOOD to sit and think "What if I had...?" Most likely your child would be the same no matter what you had done, unless you locked him in the basement all of his life. But difficult children sure like to blame us, don't they? There's a reason for this. They are NOT stupid kids. They know that if we feel guilty, we are far more likely to try to make it up to them by handing them free money, giving them passes on horrendous behavior, let them live at home for free, turn the other way when they self-destruct, allow drug use at home, cook them hearty meals that they don't help clean up, etc. So they tell us all the things that we did to cause them to be this way. It's baloney, of course. Most of us gave our kids love, love and more love plus plenty of perks and extras. Maybe we gave them TOO much. That may be our biggest mistake... If your son goes to jail, he may have time to contemplate a whole lifetime in jail and may change how he lives his life. If you set strong boundaries for him about w hat he absolutely must do or not do when he gets out, he will be furious at you, but he will have to decide how to shape his own life. You should not have to be a child's mother forever. Yes, you have a child. No, he is NOT a child anymore and your relationship should not be one of caretaking him anymore. Nor, in my own opinion (which you may disagree with) should you offer him your home, free money, or pay for his toys. He wants money? Yes, it's hard to get a good job, but he can start at McDonald's or some retail store. It's money, honestly made. If he doesn't want to demean himself that way, let him demean himself by panhandling or selling drugs, like many difficult children do. Somehow our difficult children can never find jobs. Well, you have a life to live and you need your money. He is old enough to find something to do that will allow him to find a room to rent. You have my prayers and well wishes. I hope you can learn to detach from his drama and live a good life yourself. You do not have to suffer, cry, and have no life just because you have a child who is not doing well. He is not you. You are not him. You are separate people who took different paths in life and his path is his cross to bear, not yours. You can not change him or anybody except yourself so if you angst over him all day that still will not change him. You can talk to him forever and that only gives him an excuse to verbally attack you about his pot smoking and arrest is really YOUR fault (they are so good at twisting things). In the end, he wants to smoke pot and God knows what else he is doing, drug-wise. You don't need to know. I hope that he is allowed to go to rehab, but if he does, understand that unless he is 100% behind the idea of quitting all drug use, rehab will not help him. Try to have some peace and serenity tonight and start by telling yourself to "let go and let God." Put this on God. He is able to handle this. You are not. You need to focus on your own happiness and your loved ones who are kind to you. [/QUOTE]
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difficult child is back in jail....and God it is depressing
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