Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
difficult child is back in jail....and God it is depressing
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 621628" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I'm glad you are feeling stronger, Had. During the worst of the days, remembering that pain comes in waves, that it recedes and comes in and recedes again helps me find myself, my core self, in the midst of that darkness and confusion that Recovering calls the FOG.</p><p></p><p>It is so important that we be clever, that we be able to think clearly about how best to respond.</p><p></p><p>We need to be clear headed, Had.</p><p></p><p>We need to take our best shot. Like you, I sometimes get lost in the guilt, in regret, in true anger at my blindness or foolishness in not seeing what was there "soon enough." </p><p></p><p>Your child is so young.</p><p></p><p>His requests are not unreasonable.</p><p></p><p>I would do as he asked. </p><p></p><p>There is no harm in those things.</p><p></p><p>But I would also gather my forces and write him a letter.</p><p></p><p>You are his mother. Whether it seems like it or not, what you say matters. What you say, how you see him and his situation, will determine how he thinks about himself. I believe that with my whole heart.</p><p></p><p>Before I wrote the letter, I would envision so clearly who and how I want my son to be. Not what you have done wrong in raising him, but what HE has done wrong to YOU in choosing this path <u>though he was raised to know better</u>. Then, I would write the letter from my heart. I would write about my expectations. I would tell him that I've changed. That I will help this time but that the time will come when I will turn away. </p><p></p><p>That I want my son to stand up and become the man I raised.</p><p></p><p>That he was raised better than to do what he is doing.</p><p></p><p>Instead of being the strong one, I would layer on the guilt, the how could you do this to me again? I would express shock and betrayal. </p><p></p><p>The point of the letter would be twofold. One, to shock him into changing, And two...to tell him that, whether he chooses to walk a healthier path or not, you ARE changing. He can continue on this path, you have no power to stop him. </p><p></p><p>But you <u>can</u> turn away from him.</p><p></p><p>And you will.</p><p></p><p>At a time of your choosing, you will.</p><p></p><p>That is the only power we have, as I see it. Once our children are older, we lose even that. </p><p></p><p>I think it will help you to think about your son at thirty. Write to the man he will be at thirty if he continues along this path. Think about who he will be at thirty if he chooses to change his path, now.</p><p></p><p>That's really the only thing that matters, right now, right this minute. He is relatively safe in the jail. His head is clear of drugs, he has time to think.</p><p></p><p>Try to see this as an opportunity, Had. Take full advantage of the situation. Your son's head is clear. Hit hard, pull out all the stops, use every tool at your disposal to help him open his eyes, to show him where he is taking his own life ~ and for what? A drug high? Drugs get you high by squeezing your brain dry, like a sponge. All those feel good chemicals are devoured by the drug, and the user slips into depression. He just wants to feel like he used to...before he started using. He uses, again. Soon, his brain doesn't have enough feel good chemicals to provide a high on that drug, anymore.</p><p></p><p>Something is added, or the now addicted person goes to something harder, altogether.</p><p></p><p>The pain of addiction is real.</p><p></p><p>The only way to stop is to stop.</p><p></p><p>Better sooner than never.</p><p></p><p>You know where your son is going if he continues on this path. That is the real nature of the battle, here. As moms, we search our souls for where we went wrong so we can address whatever the shortage was that resulted in our kids taking a wrong path. When there are drugs of any kind involved, this is a wrong way to fight the situation, I think. The only way to fight back against drug use is to clear our heads of guilt, of responsibility, of any hint of self blame. </p><p></p><p>The enemy is the drug use.</p><p></p><p>I lost my own son that way. As they age, they become so mean it's unbelievable. Their brains are so affected they are hardly recognizable as the sons we raised.</p><p></p><p>Your son is still young.</p><p></p><p>You can fight for him.</p><p></p><p>If I had it to do again, that is what I would have done. I would have stopped looking for what I did and opened my eyes to what was actually happening to my son. The drug use was not recreational, it was terminal.</p><p></p><p>You are strong enough, Had.</p><p></p><p>I am happy you posted his letter. He sounds like a decent kid.</p><p>I hope with all my heart that you can save him.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 621628, member: 17461"] I'm glad you are feeling stronger, Had. During the worst of the days, remembering that pain comes in waves, that it recedes and comes in and recedes again helps me find myself, my core self, in the midst of that darkness and confusion that Recovering calls the FOG. It is so important that we be clever, that we be able to think clearly about how best to respond. We need to be clear headed, Had. We need to take our best shot. Like you, I sometimes get lost in the guilt, in regret, in true anger at my blindness or foolishness in not seeing what was there "soon enough." Your child is so young. His requests are not unreasonable. I would do as he asked. There is no harm in those things. But I would also gather my forces and write him a letter. You are his mother. Whether it seems like it or not, what you say matters. What you say, how you see him and his situation, will determine how he thinks about himself. I believe that with my whole heart. Before I wrote the letter, I would envision so clearly who and how I want my son to be. Not what you have done wrong in raising him, but what HE has done wrong to YOU in choosing this path [U]though he was raised to know better[/U]. Then, I would write the letter from my heart. I would write about my expectations. I would tell him that I've changed. That I will help this time but that the time will come when I will turn away. That I want my son to stand up and become the man I raised. That he was raised better than to do what he is doing. Instead of being the strong one, I would layer on the guilt, the how could you do this to me again? I would express shock and betrayal. The point of the letter would be twofold. One, to shock him into changing, And two...to tell him that, whether he chooses to walk a healthier path or not, you ARE changing. He can continue on this path, you have no power to stop him. But you [U]can[/U] turn away from him. And you will. At a time of your choosing, you will. That is the only power we have, as I see it. Once our children are older, we lose even that. I think it will help you to think about your son at thirty. Write to the man he will be at thirty if he continues along this path. Think about who he will be at thirty if he chooses to change his path, now. That's really the only thing that matters, right now, right this minute. He is relatively safe in the jail. His head is clear of drugs, he has time to think. Try to see this as an opportunity, Had. Take full advantage of the situation. Your son's head is clear. Hit hard, pull out all the stops, use every tool at your disposal to help him open his eyes, to show him where he is taking his own life ~ and for what? A drug high? Drugs get you high by squeezing your brain dry, like a sponge. All those feel good chemicals are devoured by the drug, and the user slips into depression. He just wants to feel like he used to...before he started using. He uses, again. Soon, his brain doesn't have enough feel good chemicals to provide a high on that drug, anymore. Something is added, or the now addicted person goes to something harder, altogether. The pain of addiction is real. The only way to stop is to stop. Better sooner than never. You know where your son is going if he continues on this path. That is the real nature of the battle, here. As moms, we search our souls for where we went wrong so we can address whatever the shortage was that resulted in our kids taking a wrong path. When there are drugs of any kind involved, this is a wrong way to fight the situation, I think. The only way to fight back against drug use is to clear our heads of guilt, of responsibility, of any hint of self blame. The enemy is the drug use. I lost my own son that way. As they age, they become so mean it's unbelievable. Their brains are so affected they are hardly recognizable as the sons we raised. Your son is still young. You can fight for him. If I had it to do again, that is what I would have done. I would have stopped looking for what I did and opened my eyes to what was actually happening to my son. The drug use was not recreational, it was terminal. You are strong enough, Had. I am happy you posted his letter. He sounds like a decent kid. I hope with all my heart that you can save him. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
difficult child is back in jail....and God it is depressing
Top