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difficult child is so impossible!
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 586863" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>JKF, geez, I'm sorry your difficult child flew the coop. I completely understand your feelings and have much compassion for your mangled mothers heart. My heart has been quite mangled too from my difficult child's behavior. But, as you mentioned, you did EVERYTHING possible for him, <strong>there is nothing left for you to do</strong>. You can rest in that knowledge. He chose to refuse to follow the rules and be abusive. </p><p></p><p>One thing that always strikes me as odd and yet it is prevalent behavior with certain difficult child's, is their remarkable lack of capacity for any authority or what they perceive as authority. My daughter is exactly the same. In her world, the way she lives, without any rules, not adhering to any social norms or commitments is what she would describe as freedom. It is certainly a skewered reality based in part on their mental illness, but it is worth looking at for you. They are making choices based on an internal drive to not answer to anyone, so in a strange way, they are living out their value system the way they believe it best serves them. I am certainly not condoning this behavior, I'm just trying to give you a different way to frame it which may help you. It is not my world, it is not your world, it is not how we want to live nor is it how WE want them to live. But, we have no choice, do we? In their commitment to their freedom reality, they are really remarkably tenacious, cunning, manipulative and resourceful. You can read about their abilities to survive on the streets all over this forum. If it weren't so terrifying and out there, you would almost have to commend them for being able to do it. </p><p></p><p>I have a schizophrenic brother who for a long period of time lived on the streets in Los Angeles. We had no idea where he was until I got a call from a Social Worker that he had been picked up having a breakdown in public. They sent him to me. He stayed with me for a few months. I live in a small, relatively quiet Northern California town. After a few months he told me he was going back to LA to live on the streets because my town was "too boring and there was nothing to do." He had all his needs met in a beautiful, safe environment and family around him. I was aghast and unprepared for that response. But, that's what he did. That was 20 years ago,....... as he aged, living on the streets was less enticing so my other brother and I got him on disability and got him a room in a boarding house in Hollywood where he's been ever since. He lives in his own world, but he is safe and I told him he had to periodically contact me by mail (he has no phone) to let us know he is okay. He has honored my request for 20 years. That's as good as it gets sometimes. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes with all our efforts, with all of our love and all of our support, our kids still go off the normal rails and refuse to live by our standards. Sometimes they wake up and come back, go on their medications and leave that life behind. Sometimes they don't. Your boy is still very young and has many choices before him. Like some kids here, after a while the streets may lose their appeal and he may want to be more compliant. Or he may be like my daughter, at 40, still fighting the freedom fight while all normal truths point to a wasted life, while she blithely continues down her path fighting for her limitations. It's very sad for me, but I've learned to accept that it is her choice. I hope your boy wakes up. But whether he does or he doesn't, <strong>you need to go on with your life. </strong> </p><p></p><p>On my desk here at work, I have a small piece of paper which is right where I can't miss it......on it it says, <strong>"Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions."</strong> That is my daily mantra, I know that it is true. </p><p></p><p>I love that you said you are going to go and enjoy the day for a change. That is being detached. That is the serenity prayer. That is healthy. Great job! (((HUGS))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 586863, member: 13542"] JKF, geez, I'm sorry your difficult child flew the coop. I completely understand your feelings and have much compassion for your mangled mothers heart. My heart has been quite mangled too from my difficult child's behavior. But, as you mentioned, you did EVERYTHING possible for him, [B]there is nothing left for you to do[/B]. You can rest in that knowledge. He chose to refuse to follow the rules and be abusive. One thing that always strikes me as odd and yet it is prevalent behavior with certain difficult child's, is their remarkable lack of capacity for any authority or what they perceive as authority. My daughter is exactly the same. In her world, the way she lives, without any rules, not adhering to any social norms or commitments is what she would describe as freedom. It is certainly a skewered reality based in part on their mental illness, but it is worth looking at for you. They are making choices based on an internal drive to not answer to anyone, so in a strange way, they are living out their value system the way they believe it best serves them. I am certainly not condoning this behavior, I'm just trying to give you a different way to frame it which may help you. It is not my world, it is not your world, it is not how we want to live nor is it how WE want them to live. But, we have no choice, do we? In their commitment to their freedom reality, they are really remarkably tenacious, cunning, manipulative and resourceful. You can read about their abilities to survive on the streets all over this forum. If it weren't so terrifying and out there, you would almost have to commend them for being able to do it. I have a schizophrenic brother who for a long period of time lived on the streets in Los Angeles. We had no idea where he was until I got a call from a Social Worker that he had been picked up having a breakdown in public. They sent him to me. He stayed with me for a few months. I live in a small, relatively quiet Northern California town. After a few months he told me he was going back to LA to live on the streets because my town was "too boring and there was nothing to do." He had all his needs met in a beautiful, safe environment and family around him. I was aghast and unprepared for that response. But, that's what he did. That was 20 years ago,....... as he aged, living on the streets was less enticing so my other brother and I got him on disability and got him a room in a boarding house in Hollywood where he's been ever since. He lives in his own world, but he is safe and I told him he had to periodically contact me by mail (he has no phone) to let us know he is okay. He has honored my request for 20 years. That's as good as it gets sometimes. Sometimes with all our efforts, with all of our love and all of our support, our kids still go off the normal rails and refuse to live by our standards. Sometimes they wake up and come back, go on their medications and leave that life behind. Sometimes they don't. Your boy is still very young and has many choices before him. Like some kids here, after a while the streets may lose their appeal and he may want to be more compliant. Or he may be like my daughter, at 40, still fighting the freedom fight while all normal truths point to a wasted life, while she blithely continues down her path fighting for her limitations. It's very sad for me, but I've learned to accept that it is her choice. I hope your boy wakes up. But whether he does or he doesn't, [B]you need to go on with your life. [/B] On my desk here at work, I have a small piece of paper which is right where I can't miss it......on it it says, [B]"Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions."[/B] That is my daily mantra, I know that it is true. I love that you said you are going to go and enjoy the day for a change. That is being detached. That is the serenity prayer. That is healthy. Great job! (((HUGS)))) [/QUOTE]
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