Hi PlainJane. Yes, some of this sounds familiar to me, too. My son is not really calculatingly rude - with him, it's more heat of the moment, uncontrolled impulse stuff - but there's a shared theme of needing/wanting to be in control and of the child feeling somehow humiliated or reduced by the adult's attempt to control them.
From the outside (imperfect position!), it sure does seem as though punishment and consequences are only going to make this situation worse. Because then your son feels he needs to fight back even more, be even more oppositional. Vicious circle. At the base, his self esteem is probably really shot, this is the maladaptive way he tries to pump it up.
Is there any chance of therapy?
