difficult child just makes me sick!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by insanemomoffour, Oct 18, 2009.

  1. insanemomoffour

    insanemomoffour New Member

    I really wonder if I am this horrible person for feeling this way, but it is truly the way I feel. Just the sight of him makes me "uh!". I dread dealing with him. He is suppose to sleep in the family room because he still pees in the bed. It amazes me, he can stay dry when at a friends house or while in the hospital. But at home, not. So I asked him this morning why he was sleeping in the family room? He said he fell asleep. I told him I didn't buy it because he manage to get a blanket and undress all before "falling asleep". Then I asked if the couch is dry? He of course said yes, but I doubted him. So I asked a couple more times and he finally admitted to it being wet. So I asked why does he lie so much? He said he just feels like it. I asked when will he stop lying? "When he feels like it", is what he said. so then the conversation went on and he started cussing at me. At some point he said that husband and I keep disrespecting him. But of course he couldn't give any examples. I told him that if it is disrespectful to clothe, shelter and feed him and buy the medications that HE said he needs(but we got to remind him daily to take)and wants to take, wow, if that's disrespect, I don't know what else to do.

    I just feel like I don't even want him around anymore. He takes too much energy and time out of me. He is fluncking out of college and no job. UGH!
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm so sorry that you are feeling such extreme stress.
    Surely, it is normal to feel frustration.
    Is this your older child that is having bladder control problems? Can he take medication for his? Is he seeing a therapist?
    You have every right to insist that he treat you with respect and this would NOT include being cussed at. I would calmly and most assuredly let him know this.
    At the same time, as best as you are able, let him know how much you appreciate it when he is behaving in a kind and appropriate manner. Be watchful of any good or positive behavior.
    Would you consider family therapy? It might be beneficial.
    What we have done...and it has been very helpful...is our child goes to individual therapy weekly, but then monthly we go with- her for family therapy. Studies show that Family Focused Therapy is highly successful with Bipolar Illness. Since our daughter is an adult, there is more emphasis on individual therapy, but we always make our once a month Family Therapy. It has been a helpful system.
    If he is flunking out of college and has no job, I would give him a cut off time to make a change. Set up a boundary here.
    If he is new to college, perhaps he should take a lighter load. However, you have a right to ask him to try his best and this includes passing his courses.
    Tell him...start passing your classes or get a job.
    Give him a chance or two...but let it not be a never ending situation. AT some point, draw the line...he might have to move out of your home and fend for himself if he refuses to do better.
    Also, I would buy a one or two week at a time container for the medications. (It's hard to find the two week ones). If necessary, have one for day and night and label them.
    For now, remind him about taking them, but do it less and less. How far away is his next birthday? Let him know that when his birthday comes around, you are not going to remind him anymore.
    If he is still living with you, you might help him set up his medications in the containers periodically, but then ask him to remember to take his medication on his own. It will be a way for him to 'celebrate' his birthday.
    Be a loving and caring mom, but not an enabling one.
    Lasted edited by : Oct 18, 2009
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    You know - I am sending you hugs because in a week I'm not sure what is going to happen in my world or Dudes either.

    He has no place to live, no job, no education, no prospects - only a letter saying - thanks for 10 years - here's the address to the mens homeless shelter down town. I have a full length womens down coat with a hood in the closet - Dude asked me for that and if I had a back pack this weekend. I told him he could have it. He said he's going to need both. He's not taking us up on "if you really can't find a place." He said he's going to go live on the street, quit school and show up at the caseworkers office to thank him for the 10 years - especially the last 1 1/2 of the horrid foster family and for only coming to see his living conditions and check up on him 2 times. He said he's taking his letter and going to see the Governor also. More power to him.

    I think Nomad has a point about the bladder control. Something needs to be done. There are pills that could help. This is beyond the age where it's tolerated or accepted. This is now a medical condition. Could be that he sleeps so soundly and comfortable at your home he urinates and when he's in strange places he does not sleep that well? As far as the lying? Don't hold your breath. You have to figure out when you draw your line in the sand and make plans to act on them. You can't ask him when HE will stop lying - you can only tell him - IF you lie to me again and I find out it's a lie XX will occur. Then follow through. If that means throwing him out - then that's what it means.

    To not like our kids? Eh....pretty common - love them? Sure. Not like them? (hands membership card) WELCOME TO THE CLUB. :(
  4. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I had the same thought Star did about the bladder control: that he might more be dozing away from home and hence doesn't fall into a deep enough sleep to not pick up on bladder fullness.

    Of course, he could be doing it as a sign of territorial disrespect. Has he wet in any other weird places in the house such as in closets, clothesbaskets, etc?
  5. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    There is accountability EVEN in disability and disrespect is not part of being accountable. Since it is not typical for a young person aged (? whatever puts their parent into the parent emeritus category) to be wet, at night or any other time - that is something that should be evaluated, first - from a medical standpoint, perhaps second from the psychiatric angle.

    There are medications that help control bedwetting, and over active bldder conditions, but first you need to know what exactly the problem is and what's causing it.

    If it's bothering you, chances are it's bothering him and he doesn't know what to do about it, so is just acting like it isn't happening or doesn't bother anyone. Dealing with that issue may help relieve some of his behaviors by elevating his self-esteem.

    From your description it sounds as tho he has some adjustment difficulties; perhaps some developmental delays. I haven't followed your story - has he been clinically evaluated recently at all?
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2009
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree with the others as per bedwetting issues.

    Travis had bedwetting issues for years due to the fact that he slept so heavy and his body didn't give him the trigger sensation (urge to pee) until it was almost too late. He was around 12-13 before it finally came to an end.

    He didn't sleep nearly as deeply in an outside environment........so could wake up and go.

    Embarrassed him terribly. I'd have that checked out medically. If there is not a medical reason for the bedwetting......then I'd start having some serious discussions with psychiatrist as no boy his age should not care about wetting himself.

    I don't tolerate disrespect. But I do recall that at 17 my usual feelings toward Travis were me wanting to strangle him. lol Some of that is age related.

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The bedwetting MUST be checked out. It is very much abnormal for it to not bother him. If it honestly does not bother him, or if he likes the feeling of laying in it, then he needs help.

    Have you considered insisting he wear a depends? Esp if he is on furniture in common areas of the house? That would be a short term fix until he gets checked out.

    It is a tough age to live with. Pretty much all you can do is what Star said.

  8. insanemomoffour

    insanemomoffour New Member

    ok everyone,

    the bedwetting has been an issue for years. He has been on medications, he has had a complete medical work up. No explanation. He will sleep again on the sheets once they dry. Will sometimes just put clean sheets on top of dry urinated sheets. Hides the dirty. He will not use depends as I have tried that before also. He just takes them off. Yes, he has wet on furniture in other rooms, on the floor if he sleeps in the family room. When I have in the past mentioned it to psychiatrist, difficult child dismisses it and says he can handle it. I haven't brought it up again since because of his anger that it would cause. Yes, we have tried therapy for years as well and things seemed even worse when we would do therapy. I have the medicine box for both night and day. He doesn't take the medications if I don't watch. He is a compulsive liar. He defaults to lying. It could be something simple and basic and obvious but he will still lie. Sometimes I think that he loses thoughts from one side of his brain to the other. He "doesn't get the point". He doesn't to seem to get the cause and effect of a situation. He doesn't think about it, just does it. ugh!
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Have you had a neuropsychologist evaluation done? Perhaps something big has been missed due to maybe excusing it away with other dxes, when it's not really part of it.

    As for wetting at night since you can't seem to stop it.............Sears or somewhere sells those special mattress covers for this sort of thing. You still have to wash the sheets.......but it would spare the mattress.
  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    For children, three indications of severe mental illness are bedwetting, firesetting, and cruelty to animals. I think you need two out of three to be taken seriously by the docs.

    My Rob was a fire setter but not the other two, so I think that's why he was spared a more serious personality disorder diagnosis when he was younger. In those days he was also a pathological liar, among other things.

    It's my guess that your son has something more serious going on if he's able to control bedwetting some times and not others. There is certainly anger there, demonstrated by his lying and probably the wetting behavior, too.

    Here's my theory...not original to me but original to this thread. The only thing your difficult child can control is what goes in his mouth and what goes out his urinary/bowel tracts. Rob's sis used pooping in her pants as a means to show anger, control, etc. I suspect this is the BIG BOY VERSION of the same.

    Is there any way you can ignore (or at least not respond negatively?) this behavior? If you do, you take the power out of his action. It's utilizing the "Basket" approach to the nth degree. Perhaps if you don't react, the "appeal" of getting your goat will be gone and he will stop?

    There just doesn't seem to be any other possible explanation that I can see.

  11. insanemomoffour

    insanemomoffour New Member

    tried the ignoring approach. He hides the proof and then when you cam smell the build up of hidden covers and such it becomes revealed and then he says he didn't wet. "I don't know what happened" or "it was dry when I left it". Lies just roll of his tongue. He has nevr had any other type of testing other than psychiatric, not neuropsychologist. Don't even no where to start. When we go to the psychiatrist, he doesn't think there is a problem. And now that he is 18 it seems they go by that for the most part.
  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Truth be told, I'm not sure I could live with this behavior either. If he's going to college (flunking out?) then he's certainly old enough to stay dry through the night. Either there's something terribly wrong with his physical plumbing and he needs to see urologist...or there's something terribly wrong with him mentally/emotionally and he needs to be evaluated again. If his current psychiatrist doesn't think there's a problem, I would change psychiatrists.

    In he meantime, I would buy a waterproof mattress pad for his bed and have him go back and sleep in his room. If he pees in there, the bedding is washable and the smell won't permeate family space like it will on the family couch.

    Last edited: Nov 1, 2009
  13. insanemomoffour

    insanemomoffour New Member

    It is sooo funny. NOT! Today he wanted me to take him to the bowling alley and so I used it as leverage...it seems like I am dealing with a 14 yo. So I told him he needed to get all his homeworksaught up and clean his room then yes, I would take him. So then I told him I would check his room. He said, you need to check my room and I am 18yo. You all can imagine the things screaming in my head to come out of my mouth. I manage to only say, "yes, I will need to check your room". His sheets were wet again today. So when I reminded him to wash them I stood in his room as he took them off. One sheet missing which led me to believe he hid it last time he wet. So he of course stood there telling me he had no idea where it was and I stood there also saying he needed to find it. So he pulls it out of one of his many hiding spots and yes, it was wet. I told him the lies need to stop. And as he tried to argue, I just said "stop it". And walked out. I used to try to control his liquid intake, and he would just sneak. So it is now impossible to control it now. Unless I put a lock on the fridge. Anyone ever do that?
  14. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Lots of people here have had to put locks on refrigerators, food cabinets, etc. usually that is to prevent sneaking food, though.

    You can't really totally restrict lliquids for a child this age unless you are willing to turn off the water to the house every evening.

    This young man first needs a complete urology workup and then a complete psychiatric workup. Something here is terribly wrong, whether it is medical or psychiatric.
  15. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    I have to agree with GoingNorth - "Something here is terribly wrong, whether it is medical or psychiatric."

    There may be a million and one things that you've already tried, but with so much at stake - you ABSOLUTELY need to find some professional support for your son's issues.

    It's hard to comprehend that medical professionals are not grasping the seriousness of this situation.
  16. insanemomoffour

    insanemomoffour New Member

    sorry folks, I wouldn't lock the fridge for just drinking. The food coming up missing is also a problem. I thought I had listed that in earlier posts. I wouldn't be keeping liquids from him. He still has the option of drinking water, but knowing him, he won't. He has a new psychiatrist since this last hospitalization, so I will call her tomorrow and see if we can discuss the bed wetting thing is possible.

    Thanks for all the encouraging words!!!
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What is his drink of choice? If he won't drink water what is he getting?
  18. insanemomoffour

    insanemomoffour New Member

    He will drink anything other than water. Prefers sugary drinks. koolaid, juice then milk. But it's also the amounts of what he drinks. The add that to bed wetting.