difficult child needs help getting an ID

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tanya M, Dec 18, 2014.

  1. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    About a week ago I got a message from difficult child saying he needed a huge favor. He is without any ID and needs me to contact the state to get a copy. I was so not amused!!! I have been down this road before a few times with him. 6 years ago I gave him my final copies of his birth certificate and told him that was it, no more coming to me when he loses it. Of course he did lose it and came to me once again and when I told him I had given him the last copy he said I was lying and that turned into one of those battles you never win. As much as I would like to tell him this again I know better than to engage it.
    So, here we go again. I told my husband and he of course is much softer than I and said we need to do something to help him. difficult child claims he is trying to get his life back on track (true or false - only time will tell).
    I reluctantly told difficult child that husband would be contacting the state to find out what needs to be done, I made husband call as I was not going to.
    I got the form and filled it out, put that and a check for $65.00 in the mail to the state. Of course once I receive the copy in the mail I will then have to get it to difficult child who is currently homeless in another state.
    All I can say is I'm not happy about doing this but I don't want to argue with husband over it. I have been very busy this month with Christmas not to mention having a bad cold. Oh well, once it's done it's done and if he ever loses it again, I WILL NOT help him. He will be 34 next month, time to grow up.
    I do hope that difficult child is telling the truth and really wants to get his life back on track but I will believe it when I see it as I've heard this all before.
    Anyway, thanks gang for letting me vent!!

  2. Sleepymom1

    Sleepymom1 New Member

    I feel your pain about the ID. My difficult child is 20 and has no ID card either. He had one issued by our state, but of course lost it. (He has never had a driver's license.) He owes some back fines for a couple of Class C misdemeanors, so I'm assuming those must be paid before he can get a new ID? Anyway.....it's always something, isn't it?!?
  3. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Your husband is not doing your son any favors. At 34, he is a man, not a child, and old enough to keep track of his own paperwork.

    Worse yet, you and he are not on the same page with each other about how to handle your son.
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thank you for your responses.

    My husband and I for the most part agree on how we deal with difficult child. We made a decision quite a few years ago that we were done helping him. The only reason I agreed to help this time is for him to have an ID which he does need and the only way to get one is with a copy of a certified birth certificate which can only be ordered by the person or parent but you must provide ID to get a copy. Once I get it I will mail it to him via a friend of his. I will send it certified to verify it's signed for and I will enclose a note to him that if he loses this one that's it and my husband agrees. My husband and I have done nothing for him for several years now. We both let him know a long time ago to not bother asking us for money or anything else as the answer would be no. I really do hope that he is tired of being homeless and that he will start to put his life back together. I of course have guarded optimism.

    This small gesture of helping him by no means is opening a door to help him more and that my husband and I both agree on.
  5. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    hey Tanya,

    Chiming in to say I am with you. husband and I agree 99% of the time when/how to deal with difficult child -- who is 33. We are grateful for that. It only stands to reason that sometimes....well, we will not agree. And, down the road, one of us will admit the other was "right". But, to think we will agree 100% of the time is unrealistic.

    It gets easier, but I do not think it ever gets crystal clear.
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  6. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Don't feel bad Tayna, my grandparents (who raised me) would never lift a finger to help me get my birth certificate or my ss card. I am in my thirites and still have the same ss card that I was born with and I think I only lost my birth certificate once. I vaugley remember having to get another one a long, long, long time ago, but still I am not sure that I ever lost it. My grandparents would never, ever, help me with something like that, and my parents....ahahahaha, forget about it!

    How can you be in your thirties and still ask your parents to help you out with something like this? Especially since it's happened several times already!
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    GM, my difficult child for years has claimed to be a "sovereign citizen" in that he does not have to conform to society's rules and no one has any authority over him. It's no wonder he has been careless with keeping track of what you, I and most people consider important documents.
  8. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Haha, well maybe you should have reminded him of that when he asked you for the birth certificate. It was very nice of you to help him anyway in spite of himself. I think it's ok to help them once in a blue.